Am I Being To Sensitive

[Fadeaway]

I reached out to a friend of mine for support. The basically told me they weren't sorry for the tough love but to knock off the victim act to to get help. They said if I keep finding reasons to stay in the same place then things will never get better. I thought that was what I was doing when I reached out to them. I am trying to change things and I am actively seeking help.

The insinuations that I am looking for ways to stay in the same place really hurt when everything I do lately is try and find ways to make things better because if I do stay in this place much longer my mind is going to shatter. Was I wrong?

 

[arfie]

Ouch!!!! For sure I hurt big time when confronted with scenes like this. Wherever the "Right" or "Wrong" of it be ultimately judged, pain is pain. That hurts!!!

I lose all objectivity at moments like this... I save the analysis for when my personal fog clears. Well... I try, anyway. My own first priority is cleansing and treating the wound. But that is me...

Gentle support while you sort yours.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am NOT blaming you, so please don't think I am. I am going to ask a few more questions that will help me answer your question better, because as of right now, I really can't say much.

How did you approach your friend? Did you discuss anything in detail or anything that could possibly put them in an uncomfortable position or make them feel uncomfortable? (I am asking so that I can advise you on how to better approach the situation in the future.)

The truth of the matter is that even though *society* says that when we're in trouble, that all we need to do is reach out to our friends, this isn't really the truth. There are certain things that are best left for professionals (a help line, a therapist, or psychiatrist). And then there is the issue that not everybody can handle everything. Some friends can be there for you during the rough times, while others you should just reserve to be your "fun time" friends where you only see each other to have a good time (a shallow notion of friendship, but yes, I have a few of those).

Regardless, I think your friend could have handled it a bit better rather than saying you are acting like a victim. I've had the same said to me and to be honest, I think it is a COMPLETELY horrible thing to say! Think about it. A woman has been beaten and had other horrible things done to her, but the response she gets is to not act like a victim? Well, she WAS victimized, and such a statement pretty much says "get over it" but in a way that people THINK is a bit more politically correct. I was victimized, why do I have to act like it didn't happen? Sometimes I really just want to smack people.

 

[digger]

Can you be more precise about what was said? Give a bit more context? You've said that's what they 'basically said', are the words 'victim act' something they actually said or your interpretation of it?

As Solara said, some people are better equipped to deal with things like this than others. Is this someone you've found to be helpful in the past? It is hard when someone you thought you could lean on turns out not to be, I've learned this the hard way!

Do you have a therapist you can take these things to?

 

[Hashi]

I'm with @Solara and @digger on this.

Friends can only be expected to understand so much. Beyond that, it's our therapist, support groups, this forum etc.

In my opinion, no-one is wrong. It's just that different people have different understanding, different expertise, and different roles.

It sounds like you might have a good friend who cares about you but perhaps can't be expected to understand it all. I'd suggest focussing on the "cares about" with your friend - however that manifests - and thinking about the "understands it" with your therapist.

 

[bluebird]

I have experiences with different reactions - one of my best friends didn´t understand at all, and yet, I know she loves me and cares for me... she just is one of those people who think psychology is just a verb in the dictionary - I know she meant no wrong, although her words hurt me in that time, as I was especially vulnerable that day... I know she is supportive in many other ways, and I have a great time with her, laughing and everything. And I have also friends who are great at listening to me when I am feeling down... Each person´s character is unique - and I think that not many people have the gift to uderstand emotions they have never experienced. It doesn´t mean they don´t love you... I believe so!

I understand it is painful, however - as others have said, you have your T and you have this forum - there are so many supportive people in here, and perhaps also your friends can be supportive in different ways :hug:

 

[Fadeaway]

Sorry it has taken so long to reply. I had to run out real quick.

Basically, I asked for a sounding board for a decision I had to make. Help weighing out the pros and cons. I said that I was scared of making the wrong decision because of the possible negative outcomes for both choices I have. Listing the possible negative outcomes (the what ifs as she called it) was her reasoning for saying what she did. I did mention i felt scared an lost because I am terrified of making a poor choice due to my history of trying to make the best possible choice, but it turning out to be a bad idea. Hence my need for feedback. Anyways, because I tried to reword my needs and clarify what I was looking for (and I did mention to her that I might be going about it wrong) she ended our 12 year friendship.

 

[Meadowsweet]

they weren't sorry for the tough love

They said if I keep finding reasons to stay in the same place then things will never get better.

I thought that was what I was doing when I reached out to them. I am trying to change things and I am actively seeking help.

It's worth noting that the word love is in there. You weren't wrong - you asked for their help, and they loved you enough to be completely honest with you. Sometimes that does hurt to hear, but friends who are willing to be honest and open with you are wonderful.

It may be that they don't understand, and that you do have to seek that additional understanding elsewhere. It may also be, that they aren't able to cope with helping you and feel that they need you to be more light hearted when with them. That is sad, but they're not therapists and possibly have no experience of what you have lived through - so sometimes, we kind of have to accept that people don't get it, and it's not their fault - they jst genuinely don't have the mental capacity to understand.

 

[Fadeaway]

@digger Yes that is as close to what she said as I can get without a direct quote. I asked down on the help desk if I could copy and paste a snippet of what she said, but they understandably said no. For some reason your post didn't show up at first even though I saw that @Hashi had tagged you. And I am currently between therapists.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @Fadeaway! I definitely think there are different, kinder, and more gentle ways your friend could have responded - even if the general message were the same!

I don't know your whole story or situation, so I'm afraid my response may not be as specific as it could be.

What kind of support exactly, were you looking for from this friend that you reached out to? I agree with @Solara - I think that some types of support is best received from a therapist. Some people/friends are able/willing to be supportive and even helpful, but others are just not. It may be that this friend is one of those that is just not.

The things that we've been through and that have happened to us WERE NOT OUR FAULT!! However, (somewhat unfortunately), what we do now, ie., seeking the help and treatment of a good trauma therapist, taking proper care of ourselves - our journeys toward healing, happiness, and health - IS solely our responsibility. Yeah, it sucks, and no, it's not fair, but that's the way it is. But I suppose, in a way, it is comforting, as we finally have some control over our lives!

@Fadeaway, are you currently in therapy with a trauma specialist? I think in general there is only so much we can ask and expect of our friends. Now, I may be totally off base with all of this, as you may have been asking for something much more simple from your friend, but in general, I think the above is true.

I hope that your friendship with this person has not been lost, and that you are able to find the help and support you need.

We are here to listen and to support you! :)

 

[Fadeaway]

@Time to heal I have never seen a trauma therapist. I am leaving my current therapist because after 10 months I still can't talk to him about anything. The nearest trauma therapist is 1 1/2 hours away, but i do have an appointment set up for next week.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I understand - I drive 50+ miles each way to see my therapist, once or twice a week.

But if this trauma therapist you're set up to see is a good one, I promise it'll be worth it! I've seen many, many therapists over the years, but my current therapist is the first trauma specialist I have seen - and I am amazed at the difference. I hope you will be too! :)