Emdr - What's Normal?

[marylouise]

I hate EMDR. While going through EMDR, I have body memories, strong emotions, bad dreams, an exhaustion that sometimes feels like depression, an inability to concentrate, and I struggle with dissociation, self-isolation, and leaving the house. All this, despite very strong resources. I do feel some relief also. I am uncovering the features of a memory that is days long and truly horrific. At least I know now what happened, and why I am the way I am. And I believe that the processing will make a difference, that it will free me psychically.

I had a break from the EMDR because I moved, but now I'm starting it again. Even going to therapy and talking about my history in preparation for the EMDR work pushed me into a funk. After my second session of therapy today, I came home and cried. In the break between therapies, I felt positive, optimistic and generally cheerful. Now, I just want to curl up on the couch, though I have a class to go to tonight. I feel so sad and vulnerable.

My therapist says she doesn't want to do EMDR with me if it is going to disrupt my life. It does disrupt my life. But then I see people on the board saying that EMDR makes things worse before it makes them better. Is what I experience normal? Is it too much? How else can I get through such a horrific history? I've already gotten through 16 years of therapy, and it has made me better. What other option is there? Except to go through? Does anyone get through such things without their live being disrupted?

 

[desiderata310]

I HONESTLY don't know. I know it has disrupted my life. We started back in January and only did a few sessions before my therapist realized that it was, at the time, doing more harm than good. I was everything you mentioned and a bag of chips and it became dangerous for us to press on. My therapist stopped the EMDR because I would get flooded and then the aftermath was terrible. We have only recently started talking about returning to it.

When we stopped it became apparent to me that we would have to push through and continue because we had in a sense, opened a box and broken the hasp on the lock. I have flashbacks now and never did before, I have panic attacks and that never happened with the frequency that it does now and I have times of abject despair and suicide that I've never had before. His explanation was that we had started the EMDR and we would need to push through once I was stable again.

We've been talking about it for a month but he is concerned because the current trial is causing more trauma and I am struggling to keep my head above water without dealing the aftermath of EMDR as well.

I think it has to turn things upside down to get it better. My therapist immediately moved to a twice a week format for my sessions because I needed the "extra support" and kept that format because the unwanted contact and trial with my abuser kicked into high gear; it has been my main lifeline. We will be sticking with the two a week format as long as I need the extra support and as long as we do EMDR because it has such an extreme effect on me.

Maybe that is something you can suggest to you therapist?

 

[Hashi]

How else can I get through such a horrific history?

Somatic therapy?

I don't believe any of the exposure therapies are right for me (EMDR being one of them). They are far too brutal and rather than work to support my natural healing ability to recover from trauma, they cut across it (and that causes all sorts of issues).

Craniosacral therapy - with a therapist experienced in trauma - helped me much more, without the kind of effects you're talking about.

 

[Mina]

My overall experience with EMDR was that it can indeed get worse before it gets better. It's been a couple years since I did any, as my current therapist doesn't use that modality. From what I recall, the severity of the "worse" was somewhat relational to the severity of the subject matter at hand. Before I switched therapists, I figuratively hit a wall with how far EMDR was taking me in my progress...which is why I switched. Overall it was helpful, though.

You might search for some of Becvan's old posts on EMDR. She is a longtime member who had some serious problems result from it...if I remember correctly, it was enough to say "no EMDR ever again". Here's one of them.
EMDR Lashback - When EMDR Goes Wrong

Since ceasing EMDR, I've had some excellent results with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Never thought it would be as helpful as it has been! But it's eliminated one major trigger completely, one that always sent me into flashbacks, one that EMDR didn't get rid of.

By the way, is your therapist making certain to do a "positive" or "good" set at the end of your EMDR session? I was always worst when we essentially left things open to process without that wrap-up.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Mina, thank you for referencing that post. I had EMDR done once and the therapist put a quick stop to it because I did not react well to it. I have never heard the concerns with EFT like I have EMDR, so it does sound like that might worth bringing up to your therapist.

 

[marylouise]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm not surprised by them. It seems EMDR is a powerful technology - and like all technologies, its use and outcome will vary.

EMDR is not as bad for me as some of you describe. I've actually been really grateful for it, though. I worked through a memory a few years ago that first came up for me 15 years before and wrecked such havoc with me that I checked in overnight to a psychiatric facility with a 24 hour hold. I was able to process the memory fully with EMDR.

I worked on my trauma for 12 years before EMDR was available, and processing memories was like living through an earthquake and its aftermath. Processing memories with EMDR is much less disruptive, but I still resent that I have to go through it at all. I have a pleasant life now, and don't want to have to deal with this wreckage from the past.

My recent therapist thought that my issues stemmed from an interruption of the process. I've been working on a single "memory" with EMDR for years now, except that some medical processes interfered and we had to stop for months at a time. She thinks that all those memories and feelings kind of got backed up and needed an outlet. When I resumed EMDR, I got flooded.

That seems to be happening now. I've only been to two therapy sessions with the new therapist. I haven't done any EMDR yet. Yet, I've been experiencing vivid dreams, irritability, slight dissociation - and since yesterday, I've been so sad and vulnerable.

I decided not to go to my class since I couldn't stop crying (it's not a for-credit class, but it's material I want to learn and I'm now behind). I don't know if that was a good decision now, but it felt like taking care of myself then. I just can't seem to do anything. I feel so sad again today. I don't want to go out. I don't want to talk to anyone. It's like depression, except that the onset was sudden and I don't generally get like this except related to memories.

Hashi, I have thought about Craniosacral Therapy and even feel drawn to it, but would need to find someone who is skilled at working with trauma survivors. I also feel drawn to Reiki. I had a massage therapist do Reiki on me once for about five minutes, and it was very powerful for me.

 

[Hashi]

I've been working on a single "memory" with EMDR for years now, except that some medical processes interfered and we had to stop for months at a time.

This bothers me so much and is another thing I notice about EMDR. Even people who are in favour of it seem to talk in terms of years so far and it's still ongoing for them (maybe not one memory in every case, but overall, x years and counting....)

Finding a suitable craniosacral therapist wasn't easy at all. Somehow, I managed it. I'd started out looking for a somatic experiencing therapist and that was a complete blank. It did, however, lead me to knowing there was something called craniosacral therapy that had the same principles. In the end I found someone by contacting a therapist hundreds of miles away, whose approach seemed to fit although the location was out of the question, and asking for his advice on finding someone locally.

I still had a 1.5 to 2 hour journey each way (three different trains) to see the therapist I found. It was worth it.

I'm going to say this once more, then leave you alone I promise. Having a somatic therapy like craniosacral therapy was worlds different from talk therapy, CBT, EMDR (which I tried a trial of) or anything else. It operates on a completely differently level - the level of trauma energy and cell memory. I've also benefitted from talk therapy, and other things, but I think that was because I had craniosacral therapy first.

 

[desiderata310]

I am actually curious about this kind of therapy @Hashi but I can't stand the idea of someone touching me. How does that work??

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am actually curious about this kind of therapy @Hashi but I can't stand the idea of someone touching me. How does that work??

 

[KwanYingirl]

I've been seeing a trauma specialist for one year. He has helped me understand the mind-body connection and how trauma takes hold of our every living cell. He has encouraged me to take yoga and Reiki and both have bee beneficial in that while I'm doing it I feel very calm. Unfortunately, the effects don't last, but I like both so will continue on. As for EMDR, that is what I originally went to him for. My previous Y got promoted and had to stop her clinical work. She suggested I see someone that can do EMDR. He has been working for a whole freaking year to try to get me stable enough to tolerate it. Now that I've read this thread, I understand it's not the magic elixer for everyone. I've been down on myself, feeling like a failure for not being able to have it. I think I'm going to stick with the energy treatments and not dwell on getting EMDR. With Reiki, I have had body motors that reducer to tears. My Reiki master is wonderful and she helps me get through it. She, as well as my T keep harping on me to work on staying grounded. A concept I find very confusing. Is it the opposite of dissociation? Has anyone been able to develop the ability to stay grounded during stress?[DOUBLEPOST=1401521534,1401521411][/DOUBLEPOST]

I've been seeing a trauma specialist for one year. He has helped me understand the mind-body connection and how trauma takes hold of our every living cell. He has encouraged me to take yoga and Reiki and both have bee beneficial in that while I'm doing it I feel very calm. Unfortunately, the effects don't last, but I like both so will continue on. As for EMDR, that is what I originally went to him for. My previous Y got promoted and had to stop her clinical work. She suggested I see someone that can do EMDR. He has been working for a whole freaking year to try to get me stable enough to tolerate it. Now that I've read this thread, I understand it's not the magic elixer for everyone. I've been down on myself, feeling like a failure for not being able to have it. I think I'm going to stick with the energy treatments and not dwell on getting EMDR. With Reiki, I have had body motors that reducer to tears. My Reiki master is wonderful and she helps me get through it. She, as well as my T keep harping on me to work on staying grounded. A concept I find very confusing. Is it the opposite of dissociation? Has anyone been able to develop the ability to stay grounded during stress?

That should read body memories darn auto correct!!

 

[marylouise]

Thanks for your comments everyone. It's good to be reminded of the mind/body connection, especially related to trauma. It's not a concept that is easy for those raised in Western culture. No matter how much my experiences highlight this for me, I forget. When I first came to therapy at age 20, I lived in my mind. I was so dissociated from my body that I couldn't experience my hands or limbs as solid entities, never mind feeling emotions inside my body. I still have a tendency to favor my mind's experiences over my body's. Thinking over the past two days dealing with memories, I realize I forgot to check in with my body, to move, to breathe.

I've always felt like I was forced to take care of my body. I had fibromyalgia in my 20s. Getting better meant paying attention to food and nutrition, to exercise, to stress levels, and adding massage. At the same time, I also feel that all of the work I've done processing my trauma with traditional therapy effected the fibromyalgia. I simply don't suffer from it anymore, after many years of trauma work. More recently, I came down with some "immune thing" which made me really sick. Getting better meant dietary changes and Traditional Chinese Medicine, and learning how to be gentle with myself as I healed.

@KwanYingirl , it's interesting that you mention yoga. I had an experience with yoga at one point where it initiated flashbacks, interestingly not unlike EMDR sometimes does. I had to get to a stable place to do yoga. I don't actually like most yoga classes in the U.S. which feel more like aerobics than anything else. But more tradition forms of yoga that emphasize breath work have been amazing for me. I think all these modalities depend on us having a certain amount of stability. I know that EMDR can work for me, because it has. I didn't realize I have to be so careful with it. And I feel relieved that my experiences are normal, even if unwanted.

@Hashi , I always thought that I would engage in some form of direct body work someday. A lot of my trauma has been physical, and I think my body needs special care because of that. What's prevented me before is cost and fear of bodyworkers who are not aware of trauma.

I'm thinking that if I'm going to go ahead with EMDR, I'm going to need to make sure I'm getting additional support. I'm not sure what that needs to look like yet. I'll think about it. But it definitely means setting up more structure so I'm paying attention to my body's needs. Maybe it means seeking out a body worker also.

 

[Hashi]

I can't stand the idea of someone touching me.

For me, it was difficult but I worked on it and it became part of the healing process in itself. Reluctant to say more because I don't want to take the thread off topic - it could probably be a thread of it's own. I just wanted to acknowledge your question though.

I actually find EMDR more invasive/intrusive. The idea of something trying to interfere with my brain is worse, for me.

When I first came to therapy at age 20, I lived in my mind. I was so dissociated from my body that I couldn't experience my hands or limbs as solid entities, never mind feeling emotions inside my body.

This used to be very true for me too, although I'm much more connected now. It can and does change.

I'm thinking that if I'm going to go ahead with EMDR, I'm going to need to make sure I'm getting additional support.

I'm trying to get a sense of something, and hope it's OK to ask. I may be misunderstanding you. Do you see stability as coming primarily from outside, through a type of treatment like energy therapy? Do you see yourself developing more internal stability in any ways?

Sorry if I have not followed your meaning, I'm trying to clarify my understanding not challenge you.