Feeling forced into EMDR

[Fallfox984]

I've been with my therapist for 8 months and have a history of complex relational trauma. I initially came to my therapist because her website said she does brainspotting, somatic therapy, psychodynamic therapy, EMDR, among other things. I was hoping we could do some somatic work, but she let me know EMDR would be the best course of action. Even initially, I expressed concerns about this because I really don't want to do EMDR, given the intense dysregulation you can experience. It kind of felt like my concerns were brushed off and the conclusion was basically "well this is what is recommended, so that's what we're doing."

We've worked on the safe place and container throughout this time, but I still don't feel comfortable with it. I feel like EMDR is cold and robotic, and what's been most helpful for me is the relationship and reflection. Honestly, I would rather just keep doing what we're doing. We're supposed to start reprocessing in the upcoming weeks, and my anxiety has been worse. When I asked last session what other options we could maybe use, she basically just said taking breaks until I'm ready again for EMDR. She was also very vague about other possible modalities, just saying "there are other options" and "we'll cross that bridge if we get there." I kind of feel like I'm being railroaded into EMDR regardless, which makes me feel like I have no control. Honestly, if she would have just been clear about other options, I would probably be more open to at least trying EMDR. But now, I just feel more resistant. I feel so stuck. I like my therapist but it feels like she's not listening to me.

 

[Charbella]

No one should do EMDR against their will. You need to communicate more with your therapist. Tell her all the reasons you don’t want to and then tell her you want to do somatic.

That being said it’s definitely not robotic and it definitely helps. I had zero access to emotions before I started, it was like a foreign language I had no connection to. EMDR is hard, I won’t sugar coat it BUT it’s been the only thing I think would’ve worked for me. Somatic can be done with EMDR. Lots of people here do it, if my therapist had his way that’s what we’d be doing. He’s out of luck though, I hate being present enough in my body to feel anything.

By telling your therapist what you want and why you don’t want EMDR they might be able to help you better understand why they think it’s a good choice, or they might see reasons to try something else first. Personally I negotiated with my therapist, he didn’t think I was ready for EMDR and I told him I wanted to try some because I was never going to be “ready” with the current state of affairs. That was 3 years ago. Yes it’s a long road if you have a lot of trauma to unearth.

 

[Midnightmoon]

As uncomfortable as this probably feels could you literally either copy and paste what you've just wrote out and send it to her, or read it out in session? It makes perfect sense and it might help her be able to support you in understanding what these vague 'other options' are, and how to go about doing them? Therapy is a partnership and at the end of the day it should be you in the driving seat in terms of what you try and don't, Ts are there to guide and support not steam roller you into things you don't want.

But....

Complex trauma = avoidant as hell of anything that is a trigger, and T's have to find that sweet spot of challenging and trying to expand our tolerance windows whilst not completely throwing us off all together. Maybe T is a a bit off with the balancing act and you need it to slow down a bit, or maybe she feels you are ready for this next bit and you need a bit of a shove to get there...

Has T given you a reason why she's not trying somatics? Maybe that's something to talk about.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am starting EMDR this week and I have concerns but I know I just have to go through it, a deep breathy and plunge in.

 

[Fallfox984]

As uncomfortable as this probably feels could you literally either copy and paste what you've just wrote out and send it to her, or read it out in session? It makes perfect sense and it might help her be able to support you in understanding what these vague 'other options' are, and how to go about doing them? Therapy is a partnership and at the end of the day it should be you in the driving seat in terms of what you try and don't, Ts are there to guide and support not steam roller you into things you don't want.

But....

Complex trauma = avoidant as hell of anything that is a trigger, and T's have to find that sweet spot of challenging and trying to expand our tolerance windows whilst not completely throwing us off all together. Maybe T is a a bit off with the balancing act and you need it to slow down a bit, or maybe she feels you are ready for this next bit and you need a bit of a shove to get there...

Has T given you a reason why she's not trying somatics? Maybe that's something to talk about.

She just says that EMDR is gold standard treatment for trauma and the conversation doesn't really go far from there

 

[whiteraven]

No one should do EMDR against their will.

This. In fact, no one should be forced to do anything against their will.

 

[Sues]

Early on in my therapy journey, I sought out a trauma therapist because I was remembering a lot of intense trauma and needed more than talk therapy. I was not wanting to do EMDR at that point. I was not against it in the future. I was just having difficulty with the intensity of the horrific trauma memories that were surfacing and I wanted to ease into it. I had similar thoughts as you with a somatic approach.

The first therapist I saw was horrible. I told her I did not want to do EMDR, but she insisted. At that point I was very new to therapy and afraid to speak up. It traumatized me and I left after a few sessions.

I then found a wonderful trauma therapist. When I explained what happened and what I was looking for, he was very understanding and patient with me. When I was ready- which was quite a while later, we started EMDR and it has helped a lot. We do it a bit and then stop for a while. And that is what works for me.

Please do not do EMDR unless you want to and are ready for it. Does it help? Hell yes. Is it intense and difficult? Hell yes. But you should never be forced or feel forced to do anything.

Maybe take one more session to talk to this therapist and lay it out- what you want and need, and what they need to do for you. They are working for you and you should be involved in your plan for therapy. If that doesn't work, then find someone else.

 

[Midnightmoon]

She just says that EMDR is gold standard treatment for trauma and the conversation doesn't really go far from there

That doesn't sound ok at all.

There is a big difference in-between 'EMDR is gold standard so that's what we're doing end of' and 'EMDR is something I think would really support you and I'd like to talk about how that might look like and what your concerns are'.

I'm with you on it feeling clinical. (I tolerated trying safe space a whole for two weeks , couldn't be doing with it, the script was driving me mad) I really really need a human being in therapy, I love humour and 'realness' and relational presence. Likewise some people can't stand that and want formulas and targets and someone quite removed and blank slate. Then everything in-between. It's ok if what T is offering isn't what you need, and if she can't meet you in understanding and adapting that, finding someone else who does practice in the way you feel comfortable might be worth a look into.

That could be a conversation with T to, in the sense of 'I'm feeling very pushed into EMDR at the moment which isn't something I want to engage with right now my symptoms are up and I'm close to walking away. I'd like to look at (insert what you are drawn to here). If that's something you don't feel you can offer me or work with at the moment I'm wondering if I need to look elsewhere for support as I'm not finding EMDR helpful'.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

My T recommends EMDR, as she’s been in training for it for a long time, and also knows it’s the gold standard, but she has put a lot of emphasis that it’s up to me, and for when I may want it… because she knows the massive destabilising power it can have when done too early, etc.
She occasionally suggests resources from EMDR in our sessions, but warily and in small, small doses. And with my consent and informing me what it’s about. She also says I wouldn’t be ready for it yet, anyway. But it’s there on the back-burner, and occasionally she reminds me of it for future reference.

I used to be very unsure of EMDR. Now? May consider it in future… when I am more stable and settled/progressed in general life and therapy. Long down the line.

I think this is something that absolutely has to be done at the correct time and shouldn’t be hurried into. It’s OK to be nervous but start, anyway, but not wanting to do it? I feel that is a recipe for something to go wrong. EMDR should be of your own volition… as therapy, and most things in general.

Seems pretty obvious that something as delicate as this should not be done if the person isn’t even comfortable with it in the first place.
EMDR has been good for a butttonne of people, but that doesn’t mean everyone should just leap / be plunged into it without any conversation or choice of their own.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there”… This is your treatment, you should be able to know what is happening and the options at your disposal.


If you can have a conversation to her about this, I would try it. I understand the difficulty in it, though. But I hope it can be resolved without having to find a new T, as I’m sure starting over isn’t ideal at all.

 

[Sideways]

well this is what is recommended, so that's what we're doing.

Do you mean ‘recommended generally for ptsd’, or recommended for you specifically by someone?

We've worked on the safe place and container throughout this time, but I still don't feel comfortable with it.

Do you feel like you have stabilised, and that you can use the skills you’ve been working on to keep yourself stable?

If so, maybe it’s worth examining why you’d like to avoid EMDR specifically. It’s definitely true that it’s entirely consistent with PTSD that you want to avoid dealing with traumatic memories directly. But it could be incredibly helpful in resolving a lot of issues. It might also help address some of the relational issues that you’re work on directly.

I feel like EMDR is cold and robotic, and what's been most helpful for me is the relationship and reflection.

Have you expressed this to her directly?

Learning to communicate effectively with our Ts is part of the healing process. It’s like a petrie dish where we get to try out skills that we’re not so crash hot on. Like the relational skills you’ve referred to, maybe having an effective conversation with your T about this would be a helpful part of the process for you.

She just says that EMDR is gold standard treatment for trauma

She’s not wrong.

But, “She just says…” doesn’t need to be the end of the conversation. It’s totally normal to revisit these conversations, to talk about your goals explicitly, to discuss the pros and cons of the different treatment options, and the reasons why you don’t feel comfortable with EMDR yet.

That conversation, all by itself, could be an incredibly empowering one for you. Just as importantly, it would give your T valuable information about you that will help her help you more effectively.

She was also very vague about other possible modalities, just saying "there are other options" and "we'll cross that bridge if we get there."

Again, this is stuff that you’re totally allowed to revisit. “I want to spend a session talking about the different treatment options available, the pros and cons, and some of the concerns I have about EMDR…”.

Eight months can sound like a long time. But honestly, it can still feel like ‘early days’ in a therapeutic relationship for some of us. I’ve been with my current T for a couple of years now, and we still have sessions where I need to return to really foundational conversations.

Those conversations are important for so many reasons. Maybe experiment with your ability to advocate for yourself, and address concerns you have directly. The experience of advocating for ourselves, and being heard, all by itself, can be transformational. And the therapy space is a great place to experiment with that.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

(An additional note, I think I’ve been with my T for longer than you, and we’re still building our relationship, especially with dissociative parts and sensitive trauma involved. Everyone is different, but I’d really encourage opening up the conversation if at all possible. Because as Sideways said, it is early days and it is important to voice what isn’t gelling with you.)

 

[thursday]

If you don't feel comfortable and you voiced this to you T she should listen to you. I haven't had EMDR my T said it's not suitable for me. But I know a woman who has and she said it's very intensive and you go very deep into your trauma. I would consider another therapist, but would you have to start from scratch then. The more you open up the better it is for you. But your T might be after your money and she might have the best intensions, who knows. It's up to you if you want EMDR, she can't force you. The more you put in the more you get out of the therapy. It's though out there, it's like being in the wilderness. Fog all around you.