What Is Best Way To Deal With Their Wrong Doings?

[J_trustno1]

Several people will say that they would go for revenge but I personally believe revenge is a wrong method since I will be the person regretting it at the end.

Would you ignore them? Would you want to keep fighting the losing battle of trying to ask for justice from them? Even when you already know that you will get more shit thrown at you. Or would you start focusing on yourself?

I always get the urge to put them all in a witness box and ask them why they have done that to me when I was a child? But I have been told even by my previous T that there is no use in asking for justice or fighting this battle because of the way they shift guilt onto me and make me seem the supreme villain in all the abuse they have done.

What would be your take on this? How would you deal with their wrong doings? Do you believe that having nothing do with them anymore is best way or constantly arguing and getting into mess n shit with them?

 

[Fadeaway]

I guess for me, I really struggle with wanting justice I know I probably won't get. I know they say forgiveness is best, but to me that saying that I am ok with what they did. I am not ok because of what they did, my life.

That said, I wouldn't put yourself in a position where they could do further harm. I guess for me, even though it probably isn't healthy, I hope that justice will come in another form. While I wait for that, I stay far away. Staying away is healthy, but hoping for justice in another form probably isn't, but it is what I do.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Fadeaway : Exactly, I struggle with the concept of forgiving them. I see it how you see it and I struggle with forgetting because what they have done isn't forgetful and it haunts me every second of the day and even in my dreams. How will I forget it when what they have done to me is still torturing me? I am the one who is struggling with crying spells, anger, hate, sleeping problems, nightmares, intense memories, on antidepressants and needing long term therapy NOT them! I am having trusting issues, relationships (never had a relationship with a guy!), attachment & detachment issues, fear of male contact and many other unknown things which I am not even unaware of. So forgiving is out of the equation!

Thanks for the answer, I really appreciate your input and I wish you the very best in life and healing.

 

[nursenurse]

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness means you let go of the burden of justice that is weighing you down. If you haven't received the justice you want by now, you need to move on. Be the better person. You know what has happened to you, you understand how wrong it was. That gives you the tools to do things with your life you never thought possible.

However, you have to protect yourself. So if that means not contacting those that hurt you, and/or cutting them out of your life, then you do so. No it isn't easy. But to ruminate on wanting justice or the explanations is going to keep you in the quicksand. Whoever said "Living well is the best revenge." was right. While something horrible may have happened to you, the world is still a beautiful place, but only you have the power and knowledge to seek out what is beautiful for your own life. Time and work with your T. Grieve what was done to you and taken from you. Be angry, then move on. Take the power away from those who hurt you. Good luck :)

 

[J_trustno1]

@nursenurse Thanks for the reply. Yes, you are right but forgiving seems very difficult when you are still getting shit from them. This is actually affecting my physical health as well as my mental health. I am going to seek therapy and really maintain distance from them. It's not that i am even seeing them but even talking about them or hearing about them from other family members affects my mental and physical state. It is a living hell even when I don't see them.

 

[nursenurse]

You will get there in time. Remember it took years for all this to really surface. It will take some time to effectively deal with it all. It would be so nice to flip the switch, but life isn't like that . You learn about yourself, and you grow. You lay a strong foundation by taking your time with things. By processing what happened to you one bit at a time.

At some point you may have to distance yourself from the family functions. Family is family, if you are becoming physically and mentally ill by being there, then you are torturing yourself to keep the peace for someone else. You need to keep the peace for yourself. I am so sorry you are struggling.

I think folks have the thought that forgiveness should be easy, and you should feel great in an instant, but it is not like that. Consider it a part of the process of letting go, give it another name if you want. Right now they have power over you. Consider forgiveness a shift in personal power back to you. It is not a "Come on, let's be friends, here's my other cheek" forgiveness. It is an acknowledgement that something bad happened involving some bad people. And that you have the power to overcome in spite of it all. Be kind to yourself. And remember that none of it was your fault. Forgiveness may be as simple as taking away the self blame that most of us feel when things go wrong in our lives, even when we truly bear no fault.

 

[ghotiff]

It seems like you need more distance from them, it must be so hard to heal with reminders everywhere. Can you ask the relatives that you do talk with, to not mention them out of respect for you. If they can't do this, maybe you consider cutting them out to. You could soften this request by asking it as a 'short term' request, by implying that its only for the moment. Once they are in the habit, they will probably just continue that way anyway.

 

[GWhizz]

It's very conflicting knowing what to do when emotions are running so high. I don't think now is the time for you to worry with dealing with forgiveness or getting justice. Right now you need to focus on yourself, give yourself that space. The rest can come later. If you don't see a therapist, try finding a trauma T to begin helping you work through some of the issues, current nightmares etc.

I cut my family off in January. It's one of the hardest things to do and brings lots of guilt for me. It's really unavoidable for me not hearing about them as I still want contact with my younger siblings and some other relatives. But it was the best thing for me. Though hearing about them is upsetting, I know overall I'm better off not having to see them directly.

I really hope you can begin to put yourself first. The fact that your family still vilify you (mine do this too) says it all. You cannot spend your energy right now trying to seek justice from unreasonable individuals like that. You are not their scapegoat. I hope that you can begin to develop trusting relationships in the future, but for now, trust yourself - you are the most reliable person in your life. Well done for breaking ties with your family

 

[scout86]

The best revenge is a life well lived.

You can't change them. If they are going to change, they have to do that themselves and it doesn't sound like they're motivated. If you're asking for justice "from" them, you aren't likely to get it because their version of reality is likely very different from yours and they just can't see what justice IS. By continuing to fight those kinds of battles, all you're doing is punishing yourself. Some people (them?) actually enjoy that kind of drama, it lets them keep convincing themselves that they're right. My vote would be that you focus on yourself and you're own path to healing and forget about them. In the language of the Serenity Prayer, they would fall under the heading of "things you can't change."

 

[The Albatross]

I'm more of a "detach with love" than a "best revenge is a life well lived". I had a friend who was a victim of ritual abuse who would bless everything and everybody that would cross her path. As she explained it further, when queried, I did a self study on the benefits of blessing rather than cursing people. I am not consistent with this, but find it to be generally more beneficial for me. I'm not explaining it at all well. But cultivating and at least attempting to bless or be a blessing rather than cursing or thinking ill (even though I'm not very good at it and inconsistent) turns the focus away from what was done to me, and puts the mantle back on my shoulders and the reins of responsibility back into my own hands about acting in accord with the person I want to be.

In this way, I have more calm and peace in my life, and generally let the rest go because rather than reactivity, I can initiate actions and the results if any aren't up to me. But the peace of mind about who I am and what I'm about sticks.

Arguing about what happened, never got me anywhere.

 

[jmni]

I really think its sad that so man abuse victims never receive any form of justice. I feel like something out of a sci-fi novel could offer a better reason as to why rather than the nonstop bullying, threats, lies, manipulation, and finally and worst of all the persistent victim blaming and guilt shifting that actually does force victims to feel guilty.

In my case I have to ignore them. But its actually more imperative that I avoid them, cut them out, destroy my connection with them. I cannot involve myself with them for any reason at any time because it opens up the door to more depravity. In other words, cutting them out of your life physically goes without saying (at least in my case and I assume others), otherwise how can you ever hope to experience any form of a normal life.

But that is not like, dealing with it. That is just the minimum for required in order to have a life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Radical acceptance & then focus on yourself. Focusing on them gives them power. They don't deserve a second of your thoughts. Focus on yourself and your own healing.