Relationship My partner has been isolating himself - what is the best way to ask about it?

D-sweet

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We are kind of in a new relationship (7months). He has once causally mentioned that he has PTSD. He is currently very stressed and has been disappearing from our relationship for week(s) each time from time to time when he was overwhelmed by demanding workloads. When he reappeared, he would be like nothing happened. i tried to talk every time but still very difficult to get to a point.

I don't want to make PTSD as an excuse for bad behaviors but I am concerned that it could be the reason. What is the best way to get an understanding?

I just wish he could give me some clues (even without telling me what the trauma was) if it's PTSD acting in between.

thanks
 
It’s OK not to be OK with the isolation if you need a lot of contact. People need different things in relationships to be happy. You have to take a realistic look at your needs in a relationship and decide if you can be happy if he isolates like this regularly.

It’s also OK to decide how much is too much. I won’t tolerate more than a week or so of isolation. I’m not waiting around for like a month or something, trying to decide if I’m single or not. If he is gone that long I will consider myself single.
 
It’s OK not to be OK with the isolation if you need a lot of contact. People need different things in relationships to be happy. You have to take a realistic look at your needs in a relationship and decide if you can be happy if he isolates like this regularly.

It’s also OK to decide how much is too much. I won’t tolerate more than a week or so of isolation. I’m not waiting around for like a month or something, trying to decide if I’m single or not. If he is gone that long I will consider myself single.
How did you set the ground rule of not tolerating for isolation over a week or you just walked away? apparently he is still in the bad state which make it difficult for me to say anything..
 
It’s not a rule for him, it’s a rule for me.

I can’t control anybody but myself. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. I will move on if he ghosts me… and he has no say or input. That’s my boundary, and I’ve communicated that to him. If he wants me to stick around he will respect my boundary.
I admire you to have all the self-respect for drawing all the boundary. Next week is my birthday but since he has been in isolation mode, I have little hope. I'm trying to avoid disappointment. Any advice how I should manage this expectation?
 
Hi everyone, I have tried to speak with a therapist to work on my emotions and understand my partner more but I found it a bit pushy that he kept pushing me to look at my problems instead and said people with PTSD won't isolate (which I had to told him I heard many first hand experiences that its common). Any insight?
 
Get a new therapist.
Seriously not knowing people with ptsd isolate is a huge red flag if you are looking for help with, well, ptsd.

But I do agree with dealing with your own stuff first because that will give you space to be able to deal with his. Put your own oxygen mask on first and such.

Plus hes going to pick up on you not being willing to work on your stuff while expecting him to work on his.
That's not gonna go well and chances are high he will use it against you at some point.
My guess it will look like this...

Oh sure, you are in therapy because you can't deal with me, and all your issues are my fault but you won't even look at your own problems!

Doesn't matter if it's true. When I see it thru the ptsd lens that's exactly what I would say to hubby.
 
Get a new therapist.
Seriously not knowing people with ptsd isolate is a huge red flag if you are looking for help with, well, ptsd.

But I do agree with dealing with your own stuff first because that will give you space to be able to deal with his. Put your own oxygen mask on first and such.

Plus hes going to pick up on you not being willing to work on your stuff while expecting him to work on his.
That's not gonna go well and chances are high he will use it against you at some point.
My guess it will look like this...

Oh sure, you are in therapy because you can't deal with me, and all your issues are my fault but you won't even look at your own problems!

Doesn't matter if it's true. When I see it thru the ptsd lens that's exactly what I would say to hubby.
Thank you Freida, I will speak with a new therapist today who is also a female. I hope I could feel more comfortable and we could work better together. I also agree that its important to work on my own issues to be emotionally healthy for this. I am aware my insecurity could magnify the impact in the relationship. Lately I have been thinking I may have put every responsibility to my partner's PTSD when thing is tough. I sometime wonder if I have pissed him off because of it.

I still haven't heard back from my partner, has almost been a month. I really don't know what is right to do/think with the mixed feeling when time goes by. Similar things happened the same time last year which he reappeared after Christmas, i am not sure if it has to do with any anniversary event.

Appreciated for more insight. thank you!
 
I found it a bit pushy that he kept pushing me to look at my problems instead
I know you're sort of acknowledging this here:
I also agree that its important to work on my own issues to be emotionally healthy for this. I am aware my insecurity could magnify the impact in the relationship.
But I'm going to push back a little, because of the part I bolded. It's important for your therapy to be about you, period. Work on finding how to be emotionally centered in yourself because you want to feel more secure in yourself - you can't make your partner the motivation for your own therapy, that will just not work - and IMO any decent therapist would push back on this. So, I think they are actually doing right by you.
and said people with PTSD won't isolate
Well, without context it's hard to know what they meant. I think @Freida's advice to get a new therapist isn't necessarily good advice.

What's important is that you feel comfortable working with a therapist - THAT matters a great deal.

But your therapy is only about you. It's not about how you can be a better partner for someone with PTSD.
 
Thanks for sharing. It’s really helpful. I didn’t mention an important part, I lost my patience at a point recently (cause this wasn’t the first time) and told him I felt disrespected and hurt when he kept ignoring me. I feel bad now to have said something which probably stressed him more and pushed him further away. I don’t know what I should do for remedy.
Does he know who he really is talking to you because when you have PTSD you mind gets overwhelmed and if you don't make it clear who's speaking with them then it's got so much stuff in their brain they're not going to take it in cuz I just think it's another person playing another joke and I understand totally where he's coming from because if you've been trying and trying and trying for a long time to figure something out and you keep on and keep on and you start and then you get frustrated because it's like it's no good it's not going to work it's just going to be the same old s*** or this is probably just a joke or somebody else over here trying to lure me over here that is just a big lie you don't know who to believe and it gets so overwhelming you just cuz then you start thinking about where you're at in your life and where you were and and then your head starts spinning and pretty soon you're fill in the room getting smaller and you've got you have no freaking clue it's horrible
 
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