Anger And Parenting

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I do not want my child to grow up being afraid. Parenting is hard. Parenting with PTSD and DID is hard. My older son is 5 and he triggers me. I have been working so hard for a year at not yelling at him. He triggers one of my parts and she yells at him. I HATE it. I try really hard to keep myself away from him when he is in a mood I know will trigger me, but that leaves my husband to deal with him. Then I hear my husband's stern voice and I get triggered by that. I always apologize to my son when I yell and I always try to reassure him that mommy and daddy love him no matter what he does. But knowing what I know now about my childhood, I fear that he will grow up and be traumatized by living with me. Sometimes I think that my boys would be better off without me even though I love them so much.

 

[SeanCharles]

"Ah ha!" I have an issue here myself(selves) with my Emotional Support Dog. When my anger is triggered which occasionally is this computer being a problem child, my dog will take flight to avoid my anger. (Being she is in her senior years of 10 yrs (A 65 yo lady in human years) Her health condition is not such that she can move as quickly now because of arthritis and a degenerative disc which has since been treated. She also has Arthritis like I do... :(

How old is your son? I am thinking that maybe when he's old enough of if you're comfortable, you can discuss the DID with him and maybe help him understand what he does that triggers your "part". Or If your in therapy, I would also address this in therapy.

 

[shell]

I can relate to want you are saying, in the last year since my son became a teenager, his moods,anger and frustration at having normal boundaries that we as parents have to place on him have become very triggering to me, as is my husbands constant criticism of his behaviour.

I not sure which is more triggering, but I think it is my husband criticism, it reminds me of what I experienced as a child, and it makes me so angry that he treats my son like that.

I can see I don't always react to what is actually going on, that I am projecting my anger at my parents that I was unsafe to vent onto my husband. At times it feels like there are two angry teenagers in our house, my son and me. I am still working on that, as one angry teenager is quite enough.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

How old is your son? I am thinking that maybe when he's old enough of if you're comfortable, you can discuss the DID with him and maybe help him understand what he does that triggers your "part". Or If your in therapy, I would also address this in therapy.

My son is 5. He has this annoying reaction to us reprimanding him- laughing. I know that he is doing it because he is uncomfortable because I sometimes do that, too. But it flips that invisible switch and out comes the angry one. I have discussed this in therapy in the past and have been working on it. Time to work on it more directly again, I think. I have also started a group and I think that two of the other people in the group have a similar issue.

I can't imagine ever telling my children about DID. I haven't even told my husband, though I have explained it in vague terms. The label scares me and I am afraid it will scare him. He's had to put up with so much.[DOUBLEPOST=1402793854,1402793748][/DOUBLEPOST]

At times it feels like there are two angry teenagers in our house, my son and me.

I feel that way, too, only like there are 2 five year olds in the house.

 

[SeanCharles]

Yea, unfortunately DID is misunderstood for a variety of reasons including to a degree topics like Cybil and the psychological profession in many ways. (which is improving to a degree with a bit more research and understanding).

I can to a degree relate the that which is classified as inappropriate laughter, as I was diagnosed with that as well before I turned 21 or maybe it was after, I have some rather fuzzy memories because of my own situation, a lot of self-medicating a destructive behaviors I am thankfully not repeating (at least one is a vice still that I am not at a point yet to release and that is tobacco use.)

I hopefully am at a turning point which will allow me to deep dive my traumas and can work through that because tobacco is inter connected to one of early traumas as it was a grooming tool.

I can't imagine ever telling my children about DID. I haven't even told my husband, though I have explained it in vague terms. The label scares me and I am afraid it will scare him. He's had to put up with so much.

Yeah, this is me and my relationship with work and my management (everyone from Food on down to the Deli Department) who know I have disabilities, yet they don't know and don't recognize that when they are dealing with me, they don't know who they are really dealing with depending on the moment of interaction.

He's probably resilient as some children are and maybe won't have the issues you fear, if possible, maybe having him talk to a professional may not be a bad thing. (just a thought here) I know that mom being mom, From a son's point of view, is my mom caring and worrying about her little boy who is now 45 in my case and that sometimes it's her seeing me as her little boy and not in the adult perspective.

Sean/Geordie

 

[seedling]

When I could feel the unreasonable anger coming on me when my children were young I got so I could warn them and get them to leave the room so I could calm down. Later when I was calmer I would talk about how I had been feeling and thank them for giving me some space (ie.. whew, I got so mad all of a sudden, I'm glad you left me alone for a while). I could even joke about it sometimes - I think that helped them see that it wasn't their fault and not that big a deal.

At the same time, that didn't let them off the hook if their behavior was unacceptable. I would apologize if I needed to and let them know I loved them but they knew that that wasn't a way to manipulate me.

I worry now that they are older that the times I lost control have damaged them like I was damaged. Then I think how different it was for them with a mother that said "I love you" and apologized. My mother never did those things. I think children can forgive much and keep a good self image with that kind of support.

Even if you don't explain the DID to your son you could put it in simple terms. He already knows that you have certain reactions based on his behavior. You could let him know that you would like to handle things differently, that you have strong emotions that make that difficult but that you are working on ways to get around that. It's impossible to be perfect, so be real and do your best to work things out.

 

[SeanCharles]

@seedling Yep! That's great! And in many ways you hit the nail on the head here:

Then I think how different it was for them with a mother that said "I love you" and apologized. My mother never did those things. I think children can forgive much and keep a good self image with that kind of support.

I agree 100% Being the son of a mother, you're correct, even if they (the son) neglects to sometimes express their gratitude.

 

[Leah123]

I have had this issue of angry outbursts at my daughter. I sought therapy. It's not acceptable to me to act out my disorder on her, she's helpless and I'm responsible for her. She's challenging to parent, she's both gifted and has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but it's all on me to hold the line when it comes to relating to her in a constructive loving manner consistently. I couldn't do it on my own, working with my therapist has helped a great deal.

I was a good mother in most ways, but she deserved better.

I think the bottom line is that you're a loving parent who doesn't always behave that way and it can have a negative, long-lasting impact on your son. Not to say it would be an unmitigated disaster, but yes, outbursts and being triggered around children does affect them. I encourage you to seek therapy.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Leah123 I am in therapy and I have been working on it.

 

[Leah123]

I'm really glad to hear that! I know it's a struggle. I hate the way that I am reactive to my little daughter due to my trauma and therapy's helped a lot but certainly not been a magic pill. Kudos to you for doing everything you possibly can to be the best parent possible. Your conscientiousness will pay off.