This Again.

[mytai]

I feel like I've just been sad for so long that when something bad happens it doesn't even get a reaction out of me. I don't cry, I just sit there, numb. I feel like I've completely shut down, I feel like I don't even exist. The only thing that lets me know I'm here is the physical pain I feel. My insides hurt so much it's hard to breathe, it's like all my demons are sitting on my chest restricting my breathing. I've been over using my inhaler lately, normally I only need it for exercise, but as of the last two days (today especially) I've been using it like I have full blown asthma (which I don't).

There's this little part of me that wants to die tonight. Part of me wants it to be an accident so that it isn't labelled a suicide, but there is also this other part of me, the part that wants someone to see how much I'm hurting right now and stop me. I don't know how much more abuse I can take. It's killing me. I won't be able to hide the marks this time. My T will see, my nurse practitioner will see... I know between the two of them at least one will ask, probably both. I can't lie, but I don't want to tell the truth about how it happened either...

Probably because if I said how it happened, how I got into a situation where it could happen again I would be locked up for being a complete basket case. The truth is I don't exactly know. I wasn't feeling good today, I went home from work because I almost passed out. I went to the walk in clinic, the doctor is a complete quack - and something happened and I dissociated and don't remember anything else after until I was home in bed again.

No, I won't email my T about it ahead of time. Not because I think she doesn't care, but because she can't fix anything through email - plus it forces me to think about it too much between now and when I see her again. Time for some medicated sleep before work tomorrow. Need enough energy to put on my "happy" face all day.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @mytai

So sorry you are feeling so bad. :(. You sound like you are really hurting. What about calling a crisis line tonight?

Be very careful with the inhaler. It could be a steroid and when used over and over - and there can be serious physical and emotional side effects and rebound side effects - including increasing depression symptoms. Even when using for actual asthma symptoms.

 

[jmni]

@mytai
Do you have dreams of a better life / world for yourself? Is there anything that you feel could relieve the sadness at all?

 

[GWhizz]

I'm so sorry @mytai. I really hope you're okay and that there maybe someone you can talk to.

These thoughts are very difficult to fight. But remember how strong you have been. You've got through so much and you deserve to live and be happy.

I hope you feel better over the weekend. Hugs

 

[digger]

@mytai I'm not sure from your post if something has physically happened or if the 'this' that has happened again is the way you are feeling? Has someone hurt you? Have you hurt yourself? You mentioned marks they will be able to see. Are you able to clarify a bit?

 

[mytai]

@Justmehere, I'm trying to be careful with the inhaler. It's for exercise induced asthma, but I've had to use it just during the day recently.

@jmni, right now I don't really let myself have dreams for a better life because I don't want to feel disappointment. Just spending time with my animals for comfort right now. And work.

@digger, I have been hurt again. "This again" refers to both physical and emotional. I have bruises on my arms and back/shoulder.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so so sorry you have been hurt again. :( maybe emailing your T would help her to be able to help you more the next time she sees you, even if she can't help you over email. Why are you scared they would lock you up for being a "complete basket case"? Yousound traumatized - even dissociation is just a way to cope with trauma. Clearly some kind of traumatic event happened and if they are going to find out anyhow, I bet the professionals in your life would want to know sooner than later.

That being said, it is completely your choice to tell them or show them the injuries or talk about it at all.

Do you know how to measure your peak flow so you know when it is asthma and when it is anxiety? I would suggest asking your doc for a peak flow meter (they are about $5) that so that you know what might be a panic attack and what is an asthma attack. If someone overuses an inhaler, they can become physically dependent on one to be able to breathe at all. Since the meds in one can increase depression, really narrowing down when someone needs to use one for asthma, and when the feelings in the chest are due to panic or depression is really key. They can feel exactly the same as an asthma attack at times. I had to use a peak flow meter myself to figure this out and it was really helpful over the long run.

It sounds like your body needs all the support it can to feel better and heal.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[jmni]

@mytai, maybe you could also volunteer at a wildlife center or an animal shelter or foster some kittens and dogs? Perhaps you could learn to play a new instrument or take some dance classes as well. Hobbies and learning new things can be a source of relief.

 

[mytai]

@Justmehere, I'm scared of them locking me up because I dissociate so much that I'm afraid they will think I'm safer that way. I don't see any point in emailing my T about it... what do I say? "Oh I screwed up again, I don't remember how or what I did, but I got myself into a dangerous situation and now I'm bruised up". She can't do anything for me through email, I'm sure your right and they would both want to know sooner rather than later, but it does me no good to warn them about it. They will see for themselves when I am with them next week.

I don't know how to measure my peak flow. I will ask my nurse practitioner about it when I see her.

@jmni, I do volunteer, but I have to wait for my police check to come back to actually start hours. My dog is now a certified therapy dog to go into nursing homes.

 

[jmni]

@mytai
I don't know what a police check is. But if you can imagine a picture of what a better life would include I think you should pursue that and not let anything stand in your way.

 

[mytai]

@jmni, a police check is a background check so you can work with vulnerable people. They pull your criminal records to show whether you can work with kids/elderly.

 

[xena21]

I used to work in law enforcement. A police check is not good.

I would hope you can call a crisis line. They can actually refer you to services so police don't need to get involved.