Mum, Mom, Mother We All Have One

[Sammyiam]

I've been really blessed to have such loving and supportive parents. So the first word that comes into my mind when I think of my mom is beautiful. I think she's a beautiful woman. With the talent to raise a daughter. I love my mommy.

I think that is wonderful you can say that, and your word is beautiful, I have a 22 nearly 23 year old daughter, and have spent my entire life trying to not let the things that happened to me happen to her, I hope one day that if asked she could say something similar.

That would make my entire life worth while

 

[Sammyiam]

I was separated from her for a while immediately after birth, and then she was alternately neglectful and abusive. We never exactly bonded.

Hashi,
It's amazing you say this, as they have just found out ( my therapist ) that I was born in November 1967 and my due date was Feb 1968, I went straight into an incubator and the first time she touched me was Christmas Day for a couple of minutes, I didn't go home until January, I have tried to ask her once about it but she didn't want to know and shut me down so quick I have never talked about it again, they seem to think it may have something to do with the bonding also.

She has spent the rest of my life like your mum, and all I did was try so hard to be good but it never was good enough !

 

[Hashi]

@Sammyjam, I was in intensive care also. My therapist said two things about it that really made an impression on me. They may or may not apply in your case. It seems we've had different reactions (I didn't try to be good enough for my mother, or seek anything from her) and I wonder about the combination of circumstances that decides something like that.

Firstly, my mother has said that I was taken away from her and she didn't even see me through a glass window for several days. She decided that I'd died and they weren't telling her (she mistrusts everyone and thinks they're scheming against her). My therapist pointed out that therefore she didn't communicate with me telepathically during that time. By which she means my mother wasn't making any kind of connection, not even an energetic one.

The other thing is that for the first six years of my life it was mostly as if I wasn't there. I wasn't spoken to or interacted with, apart from sometimes being abused including being forcibly fed. I only interacted with my slightly older sister, I slept in her bed and wore her clothes. I eventually went to school because my sister talked about me and the authorities found out I wasn't going and made my mother take me. From that point my mother switched to excessive monitoring, controlling and manipulating, plus physical abuse, but sometimes she would act as if I wasn't there again.

My therapist interprets this as my mother (who has serious mental health problems) at times reverting to the belief that I died when I was born and being unable to accept that I still existed.

When people talk about wanting the love of an abusive parent, or a substitute for it, I'm afraid it's beyond my understanding.

 

[Flossy]

Superior.
Manipulative.
Greedy.
Arrogant.
Quiet.
Sneeky.
Cowardly.
Denying.
Old.
Attentionless.
Flossyless. :)

 

[Pencil]

Flossyless. :)

I just love that!

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Hashi,

I have just gone down this path last week and my Therapist and said the same thing to me, my mother did say that they wouldn't tell her if I was going to live or die for weeks. I also don't think she seen me for a few days either.

The other thing that my therapist said was that in the U.S.A. They have spent millions of dollars researching that very thing, bonding problems with early births, that is why nowadays if you have a prem baby you are there the whole way with them not like us in the old days, and all the problems that occur with mental health from this. It would be a very interesting thing to look into, and that could be why they are so mean to us as well, because they already think that we have died for some reason and carn't really give the love that they should, I have no idea why, how or how to fix it, I just know like you ..... What's it like to be on the receiving end.

The silly thing is my brothers and sisters were really naughty growing up and I was really shy, quite withdrawn, and was way to scared with what was going on in my life (my fathers best friend for about 7 years or so) to even put a toe out of line, I spent my whole life and still do to this day being so good it's stupid and so scared that someone will yell at me or tell me off I just am so tired from trying to please everyone.

To this day my dad passed away 14 years ago, my mother father and brothers and sister have no idea what happened to me as a child.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My dad told me when I was in the fourth grade that he date raped my mom and their stupid crazy parents forced them to marry because she was pregnant with me.

I loved and needed her so much but she was a very cruel person and hated and blamed me for her miserable life. Yuck.

She was killed in a plane crash when I was nineteen.

I am so glad that she is gone and not a part of my life. I was never loved. Sometimes she had crumbs of kindness for me and how I treasured those moments as a child but it taught me to accept crumbs from unhealthy people until I started therapy and began to work on my own issues. Now I no longer accept crumbs from anyone. My family was so toxic that I had to cut them off because I had my own family to love and protect. It was so hard but worth it to allow the fantasies to die.

 

[Pencil]

When people talk about wanting the love of an abusive parent, or a substitute for it, I'm afraid it's beyond my understanding.

I really envy you, @Hashi! I felt / feel that way about my father - I was highly father-resistant. But, I had the opposite reaction to my mother, and the longing is an albatross that I can't shake. :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: And I suspect the need is a neural highway (as opposed to pathway) and no longer even valid.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Flossy, that's great it's given me an idea if we wrote the letters down the side of the page
M
O
T
H
E
R

Or

M
O
M

What words would you put in there



M anipulative
O nly if
T orture
H elplessness and loss
E mpty Heart
R emember to never treat my children like you have


Sure does make you think

 

[ms spock]

My mother told me if I didn't come back and say the incest hadn't happened then she would make sure that my sisters and brothers would all grow up like strangers to me. I was about 15 at the time. About ten years ago I went to my sister's wedding. My mother spent the day mocking me about how I wasn't part of the bridal party etc etc. That it was almost as if they were like strangers to me.

She was not helpful.

I am so tragic. At 44 I still have a desparate yearning for a mother, a father and a family. I miss my sisters and brothers.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Sammyiam and Hashi. As the mother of a very early preterm baby, maybe I could shed some light on the situation. The waiting period of not knowing if your child is even alive or not, really screws with your head, especially if you are already suffering from emotional problems. While you are still waiting to hear any news, the hospital sticks you in a recovery room with with a happy family all gushing over a happy healthy newborn. It is cruel, it does damage and they don't think twice about it. All the while, you are convinced that the lack of news means your child has passed away or is so bad they aren't going to make it. You have guilt, so much guilt. You blame your self, "Should have stayed off my feet more, shouldn't have working/doing so much house work." When you finally do see your baby, you aren't aloud to touch them. The skin is too delicate and could tear and it could also stress the baby too much. You then get booted out of the hospital with no baby to bring home. The guilt of leaving your child there feels like you are abandoning them. You don't know what is going on, the Dr.s keep you out of the loop. How did I react to all this? I completely and utterly dissociated.

Unlike your mothers though, I had the motivation to never ever become like my mother. Even though I was in a dissociative autopilot. I practically lived at the hospital and wouldn't leave her side. The entire time I was at the hospital only one other baby had this. For many parents it was just to painful.

I blame the hospitals. Their lack of regard for the mothers feelings and unsympathetic natures cause so much damage. When a baby is born very premature like that they should have a counselor right by the mothers side to help them cope, instead you are treated like a pariah. Like, how dare you show pain is a place filled with happy new parents, your grief might accidentally upset them.

You your mothers hold most of the responsibility, I really do feel that the hospitals need to be help accountable as well. You guys are evidence of the damage they cause due to the treatment of mothers of preemies.

Sammyiam. This was 12 years ago in the U.S. so I do hope things have changed. There is far more to my story than this, but I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night sobbing due to nightmares over it.[DOUBLEPOST=1402875899,1402875678][/DOUBLEPOST]@Ms Spock Your mother sounds very much like my grandmother. I too would give anything for a family. It has really prevented me from having any real aspirations in life because the one thing I want more than anything (to feel that I belong to a family) is the one thing I will never have.

 

[Tinyflame]

No @Sammyiam no offence taken of course. :hug: