Have To Admit It's A Constant Thought

[Impossible]

The problem IS there's no answer.

Go Hungry, I just read somewhere in an article that it's not uncommon for people with trauma to not be able to talk about their experiences well. I find it very judgmental that you assume from one thing about me, that I'm automatically able to sufficiently verbalize the chaos and summation of decades of traumas and their offshoots and all their permutations. I know for a fact I can't do it. It's not fair to accuse me of being a troll.

Look folks, it seems like this was a huge mistake. I am in serious despair, there's a time coming up which makes everything very desperate. I didn't even know why I posted. I know there's nothing anybody can really do. I know I'm being vague. I've admitted it over and over. And apologized. You don't need to pound me on the head about it. I am seriously so sorry that I imposed my essence upon you without being able to explain my whole life to you. And that thing about "I know for a fact...if you have the Will..." You don't know my life, so you don't know. Or maybe I don't have the "will" - or maybe it's not what society has decided it should be. It's true that without information perhaps you can't give advice, but neither can you judge. And that's what you did, that wasn't fair at all, to assume things and say negative things to me. I don't need that.

It's not that I "have my heels dug in." It's the fact of the matter. I don't know why I posted. I was (and am) in serious despair. I can't be the only one in the world who isn't able to really talk about the whole of their situation. Apparently not, since like I said, I just saw in an article it's not uncommon. It doesn't matter, though, because that doesn't change anything. I understand that people are limited. I don't know why I posted. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe just for people to be fricken nice to me. And not judge that just because I can put some words together automatically means I can adequately explain a huge multi-dimensional, multi-faceted lifetime of experiences and their permutations of issues. Seriously, even if I did try to explain, the "obvious answers" all have their roadblocks or reasons I can't do them...... That's why I feel so hopeless......

I know it's vague, seriously, you don't have to pummel me, judge me, accuse me. I'm not a troll. And I'm not a man, either, although sometimes people assume that, too. If that changes how you "look" at me. I know nobody can give advice. I know there is no advice. It's not because I "have my heels dug in" - it's because it's just not there.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Is it absolutely necessary to know what you're looking for when you're in a pit? Because I don't! I don't know! I only know that nobody can help and there's no advice. That's why I feel so hopeless. Because it kind of is. So what's the point.

Shist. Thanks a lot.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Impossible
Before you cancel your registration, I would just like to say to you that you have misinterpreted many genuinely caring people who took the time to comfort you, to identify with you, to help you not feel so hopeless, to ask you to take your journey with us on your side. Encouraging you, validating your outlook. We have all been where you are at. Otherwise we would have nothing to offer you. All you need is the desire to get well. I have not failed you nor will I be taken hostage. You are welcome to PM me anytime. Namaste, peace to you.

 

[xena21]

Look folks, it seems like this was a huge mistake. I am in serious despair, there's a time coming up which makes everything very desperate. I didn't even know why I posted. I know there's nothing anybody can really do. I know I'm being vague

Listen I'm sorry for being harsh the last time I posted, but it just seemed like you were turning your back on everyone's ideas and that you didn't care. I didn't understand the meaning of why you posted if you didn't want advice.

After looking more at what you've said, I see the despair that you mean. In my case my OCD gets in the way of allowing me to explain my trauma or anything related to it. I can't touch it with a 10 foot pole when I try to explain what I really mean. I have so much trouble getting my point across, and I don't know if that's your problem, but its very frustrating, because then you can't get the advice and help you need or are looking for.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. I hope you can stay on and maybe figure out some way to restate what you mean. I will look for it and try to see if there's anything I can relate to. I've been through a ton of trauma early and late in my life. I may be able to relate in some way. I really do hope for the best for you.

 

[In Exile]

The problem IS there's no answer.

I feel that at times as well. Other people remind me that while my suffering is unique, suffering itself is universal.

Is there something we can do to help? Listen? Share our experiences?

I get paralyzing panic attacks and severe depression and often feel there is no hope. Yet, there are times when I can break out of it.

I'm alcoholic, so I go to AA to stop drinking (sober for a little over two years!). A lot of advice people give me is wrong. People at AA don't get mental issues, or at least most of them don't. So they say things which used to make me crazy (literally, I would be much worse off).

That just comes with the territory. It makes things a lot easier for me then I learned how to shake wrong advice off like a duck shakes water off her back.

I do encourage you to continue trying. If there is something we can do, can you articulate that? Conversely, are there things which don't help, can you clarify those?

 

[Laura 2]

I can't be the only one in the world who isn't able to really talk about the whole of their situation

I'm still being stalked (which includes a shitload of internet mayhem). There are lots of things I cannot talk about here in case I'm identified by the offender.

I don't know why I posted. I don't know what I'm looking for.

I joined because I could relate to other peoples' experiences here and empathise. And I could see that there's a community of actually really kind, thoughtful and intelligent people who could at least offer new thoughts and empathy which could break me out of my little pocket of isolation. We are not alone in our very similar suffering, no matter how much our communities and families and friends try and impose the isolation.

it's because it's just not there.

I knew coming in that no one here could come up with solutions for my nightmare situation. Even though the solutions are quite simple, they're very practical and people in real life are just so averse to rolling up their sleeves so they massively over-complicate matters with all their excuses and tickboxes and alienating blame-the-victim indignation.

But members here do offer as much genuine empathy, support and compassion as humanly possible, for which I am both very grateful and in great admiration of - everyone here is struggling so much just to get through each day and yet we all do our best to understand and empathise with others: that's true humanity in action.

Whatever, @Impossible - thank you for joining and posting. You've stated the sheer impossibility of life very accurately for many people with PTSD.

 

[In Exile]

I knew coming in that no one here could come up with solutions for my nightmare situation. Even though the solutions are quite simple, they're very practical and people in real life are just so averse to rolling up their sleeves so they massively over-complicate matters with all their excuses and tickboxes and alienating blame-the-victim indignation.

I both agree and disagree with this.

I'm right in the middle of my struggles. I'm two years and a change since my emotional breakdown. Like many others, I fight terror on a daily basis. That terror overwhelms my ability to cope for a good share of the day.

But I also know that you have to move forward. So, I keep trying.

There are times to work and a time to rest.

For the OP, it may be time to rest. She probably doesn't understand that so many of us also have felt similar thoughts. I know I also felt that I was alone, I wish there were a way to convey this to the OP.

 

[reallydown]

I could be wrong here and I certainly don't have any details but it seems to me there is a bigger picture here, vague as it is, which most don't seem to grasp. It seems to me it's not about community or individuals or relatability (is that even a word? It is now, I guess)...It's bigger than all that and it connects to everything but in a way that's (I'm assuming) difficult to explain. Perhaps I'm way off but it seems to me it has a lot to do, among other things, with life itself and the way it's organized and that seems to make the problem(s) worse. My apologies if I've made any unfair assumptions about anyone.

 

[Laura 2]

I both agree and disagree with this.
...
For the OP, it may be time to rest. She probably doesn't understand that so many of us also have felt similar thoughts. I know I also felt that I was alone, I wish there were a way to convey this to the OP.

@In Exile
That's a very good point about resting. I certainly recognise that I am in hypervigilant, on-guard mode most of the time - waking and sleeping - and have learnt that I must make time to stop, turn the hypervigilant 'volume' down and just rest.

Not sure though that I understand which parts of what I wrote you agree/disagree with.

 

[Laura 2]

I could be wrong here and I certainly don't have any details but it seems to me there is a bigger picture here, vague as it is, which most don't seem to grasp.

Perhaps I'm way off but it seems to me it has a lot to do, among other things, with life itself and the way it's organized and that seems to make the problem(s) worse.

Actually, I believe from all my long years of work experience with public services and then my horrific experiences of needing public services that you're spot-on, you've hit the nail on the head.

The bigger picture may appear vague to most of us and I don't think we're supposed to grasp it, but many of those in the top positions do know that this 'way it's organised' issue is a massive problem which causes even more problems for people in difficulty.

Some top people fight a losing battle against the fruitlessness of changing the mal-organisation to something that genuinely works for the whole populace. Other top bananas are content with the difficulties this mal-organisation produces for the populace because it a) keeps these bananas and their minions in work and b) keeps us in constant disorganisation, unable to move forward.

Disorders (which may not really be 'disorders' but normal reactions to systemic dysfunction) like PTSD are, IMO, symptomatic of systemic dysfunction. No man - or woman or child - is an island, we are all part of a highly connected whole human network. What hurts you will impact others around you, what hurts me will have impact on everyone I come into contact with - the ripple effect touches all of us.

Here's a very relevant quote from one of the UK's top management consultants on public services:

“If you are 'troubled' and you seek help from the state you can guarantee the interventions from the state are most likely to make you worse off. The many 'helping' arms of the state are fragmented, only look at the 'troubled' through their own 'specialist' lens, focus their efforts on administrative reporting and meeting activity targets over doing anything useful and if they do anything they tend to commission services that don't meet needs... It is not putting it too strongly to say that the best advice to anyone who is 'troubled' is to avoid seeking help from the state.” JohnSeddon [search for systemsthinking dot co dot uk - newsletter Sept 2012]

 

[xena21]

And no one can ever reconcile the contradiction between the axiom that people have inherent value in and of themselves, and yet in reality one's value is still judged - at the end of the day - by how one has impacted others. It all comes down to others, and I want - wanted - my life to be what was meaningful to me. And it feels pretty much gone, and too late now.

Ok, this probably won't change anything in you. I will still explain myself, and how I understand where you are coming from.

I wanted to live a life that others respected. I wanted to be a "good" person and get married have a family, and have a respectful job. I Had been abused severely by 2 family members...though that didn't picture into my future. I still had this plan of dominance. So I went to college. Then I went into the Marines to be the best I could be. I wanted to learn everything there was about self defense and how to kill another person...go figure. That was one hurdle. Then I did my ultimate dream. I joined law enforcement. I was going to put every f*ck face in jail. I was going to make sure nobody else was hurt. Ya right...

How do you think that turned out? I lasted 7 years in the Secret Service before I broke down psychologically. Nice of them to give me a medical retirement. I was so disturbed by my departure from my plan, or if you can relate to that. I tried to kill myself 5 times. It wasn't in my planes for failure. Do you know what I mean? There was nothing in my plans beyond law enforcement. I was supposed to succeed. Now what am I supposed to do. Just die, right? Thats what I think every night. Whats the point of living when your dream is gone, and everyone around you knows you have nothing left to give?

I don't know if you have multiple dreams or you are focusing on one dream that is gone, but its hard when something slips away. Its hard to find answers. I feel for you and I hope you find some answers.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@xena21
I also lost my dream career and have fought suicidality. One serious attempt. Someone gave me a magnet that said "sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one". I thought it was cheesy but it felt good that someone wanted to cheer me up. Like you I created an identity for myself that was self directed and I was determined to make the world a better place. And then she was gone...

 

[In Exile]

Not sure though that I understand which parts of what I wrote you agree/disagree with.

OK, let's try that again:

Even though the solutions are quite simple, they're very practical and people in real life are just so averse to rolling up their sleeves so they massively over-complicate matters with all their excuses and tickboxes and alienating blame-the-victim indignation.

I agree that solutions are simple in one sense of the world. They are also practical.

I disagree that the solutions can be categorically defined as simple. If they truly were simple, then I think there would be less people struggling.

Let me give an example. Learning to ride a bike is "simple" in that you only need to learn balance. That, however isn't simple for many people. What's the adage about it's easy to carve a sculpture of an elephant? You only need to remove the parts which aren't part of the animal. That's impossible for 99% of the people.

Like many others, I suffer from what I call the "falcon syndrome." Those birds of prey are really good at picking off individual birds, but get confused with flocks -- there are too many choices. While it should be the same, pick a target and attack, falcons can't do that as well.

I don't believe that everyone who fails is doing so because of laziness or a lack of desire to get their hands dirty. I suffer needlessly because my emotions get the better part of me. I understand the principles, but can't execute them all the time.

I think it's likely that @Impossible is overwhelmed with despair. For me, finding hope is the most important step. I'm not sure that suggesting, even unintentionally, people shrink away from working on their issues because they are afraid of work is the best way to encourage motivation.