Getting Help

[shimmerz]

I see so much pain and anguish on the forum for supporters. It seems to me that there is a common theme among a lot of the postings. It is about not getting help and the frustration that comes with that. I am just wondering if there was any advice here or stories from those of us with PTSD who have had significant people 'help' them to get help.

 

[Pencil]

post deleted.

 

[silkleaves]

I would be interested in this too. I have such a hard time reading what supporters are going through, because I never want to put someone through that. Seeing how lost and helpless most supporters feel just strengthens my idea that no one deserves to have to deal with me...that they can do better.

Being able to read some stories of success..of the benefits and not just all the downfalls of being involved with someone with PTSD would be encouraging.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It took me hitting rock bottom a time or two before I really got help and I actually put energy into it and started listening. My supporter helps by listening to me, being there for me, helping with everyday life, being my partner and lover and frankly, paying the doctor's bills to get me help (I don't work). Without him I don't think I would be here but I had to pull myself up and I was lucky enough that he was still around when I did. Would I recommend all supporters hung around? No, honestly...uphill dangerous battle a lot of times.

But if I didn't want help, or was still in denial then I don't think he or any of my doctors could have done much. It was me that needed to wake up. I think that goes for most people 'if they don't want help, there isn't much you can do." It sucks to hear, but it's true. And it's like a broken record on this forum, but it is for a reason...becasue it's true.

 

[scout86]

Many years ago, a good friend, who knew me very well, decided that I had PTSD and made a pretty good guess as to why. He set out on a mission to get me to see that I had a problem and address it. He died before that effort got very far, and I've wondered, often, what life would have been like if he'd lived. In that situation, it was totally obvious that he accepted me as I was, but wanted me to be "better". And he wanted that for ME, not himself. He was the first person, and there haven't been many others, who gave me the notion that I "deserved" anything good out of life. He really seemed to care.........

The other person who said something that made a difference was my T, when he replied to my first email by saying "If it's PTSD, it won't go away by itself." I guess I kind of needed some sort of outside permission to use up the resources to get help when someone else might need it more.

What does NOT help. is relationships where people are asking you to change because it's more convenient for them. That kind of encouragement needs to come because they care about YOU. Not some kind of martyr scenario. From what I've read here, it sounds like it's kind of common for someone with an almost pathological need to rescue someone to pair up with a person with PTSD. Maybe that's ok, or at least sometimes maybe it's ok, but it's kind of interesting.

 

[Meadowsweet]

When I went for help, I went by myself, and it was terrifying to sit there by myself, not knowing what I would say. But to have taken that step and been through therapy by myself. On one hand, I don't feel I can heal as much as I'd like to, but on the other, I feel that to have healed independently and been responsible for myself throughout the worst stages of my illness, has been better for me.

I really feel that support only really comes when a couple have become a partnership because they love and care for each other. In the course of a relationship, one partner may become ill, and that is heartbreaking. But those partners both have something to work towards. When people get into a partnership with a person who is in therapy, or who has untreated PTSD, then it is illness & carer relationship from the start, and healing will effect that relationship, but also, the relationship will effect healing.

I know that relationship breakdowns hurt, whatever the reason for them. But when it comes to PTSD, I do think that in the long run, sufferer/carer relationships are unhealthy - in those cases, to walk away is a step needed to become a responsible, independent person rather than somebody's sufferer. It is complex, but sometimes the hurt of a relationship breakdown can lead to something more healthy in the long run.

 

[shimmerz]

pathological need to rescue someone to pair up with a person with PTSD.

An interesting story on this one. I have a very dear friend (male) whom I met after I developed full blown PTSD. He did need a rescue-ee and I made a great one. He saved my life many a time. Along the way he learned of his co-dependency and PTSD as well (and his son's). He learned, he grew, he has come a long, long way. I no longer permit him to 'help' me so that he is not distracted from his own issues and into my own. We have spoken about this many times and now is my time to encourage and help him to grow as he did for me. I have to tell you - two (actually three - including his son) people with PTSD is one heck of a nail biter. Oh the stories I could tell. :whistling::whistling: But I won't.

When people get into a partnership with a person who is in therapy, or who has untreated PTSD, then it is illness & carer relationship from the start, and healing will effect that relationship, but also, the relationship will effect healing.

I would generally agree with this because I think it is very much a general rule of thumb and human nature. As a matter of fact I know two people on this site (in two continents that are very far away) who got together as a couple (one who lost his wife and my friend who has PTSD/DID). This is a very unusual relationship - but it works for them.
I have gotten together with a man who is my SO. He is not my carer - he is my prop and my #1 cheerleader for enabling me to get better. I have soared and he is not at all afraid of my getting better. I was very worried about this originally which is why I didn't want a relationship EVER until I was better. I feel like it can be done as long as the 'carer' wants to see the person get better (authentically) and as long as the sufferer wants to be the major player in getting better (authentically).

I may be completely bull****ing myself right now and you all may call me on it one day - but that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :cool:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My husband is the one who called and made my first therapy appointment for me. I find it really challenging to use the telephone and we had both realized I needed help. I found the one I wanted and he made the call. We had no idea what this journey was going to be like. He has continued to help support my journey and to be patient. If I am feeling really low or scared and I need to call my therapist, he will do it for me- no questions asked. He once told me that he wishes I could talk to him, but he understands why I need my therapist. I have let him into my world a little more and continue to, but for now it is really helpful that he will help in whatever way I can manage to state and not press for too many details. I come to him when I feel comfortable enough to share something. The lack of pressure from him to share everything all the time is very important for me.

 

[shimmerz]

no questions asked.

This is so important for me. I didn't realize it before my SO started helping me with it. No questions - he just knew that I needed the help - truly because I was avoiding. It took a bit but it relieved the shame of being stuck. Now I do it for myself to show him that he has helped me so. Soon I will do it for me because I have proven to myself that I can.