Has Ptsd Interfered With Your Life Ambitions?

[Dana1010]

I wanted to be a writer and still do. People have told me I'm good at it. I wound up dropping out of college for depression/trauma related reasons. People don't understand how difficult it is to stick to schedules, put in long hours of work, and concentrate when every morning you get up and are hit my a freight train of disturbing memories, unrest, despair, and the question, "Why did this happen to me?"

Even today when I sit in front of the computer and try to write, it's almost as if the quiet invites a flood of memories into my head. And the attempt to be someone, accomplish something--well, all the you-know-whos certainly aren't going to stand for that. They demand that I get in my place, stop pretending. Soon enough the rotten tomatoes start hitting me from all directions, and I have to give up. It's too uphill, too scary and adversarial. This happens when I read now too, which is so unfortunate because reading used to be favorite hobby.

I've always heard about writers and creators channeling their pain into their work, but I can't seem to get the knack of that. I wish I knew how to do it. I just can't see how you can focus on the minutiae of composing something when you have a movie of every ugly, depressing, shameful thing that's ever happened to you playing in your head.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes'm. At first, devastatingly so. In the long run, I believe that it was 'in the cards' so to speak, I just didn't plan on it. It was hard to go from being an over-achiever to someone who couldn't concentrate due to flashbacks and depression. And due to the two decade healing process that has occurred, I am a much happier, and emotionally healthier person. Best thing is that I now have the personal grounding and time to pursue some of my dreams :happy:

 

[Bridgetns]

In a way, yes. Due to agoraphobia, I didn't- and still never want to- attend a brick and mortar college. I just can't. It's not in the cards for me. I always wanted to be a teacher, but I figured the payoff for tht much cost in education vs. the pay scale just wasn't worth it. Then I decided I really wanted to be a criminal psych. That to me is my goal. It won't happen, but it was my goal.

The mind has ALWAYS interested me. Like why does this person think This way? Is it a chemical imbalance? Is it a misfire in the brain?

I am incredibly obsessed with serial killers. Not like..... Proud of them in ANY way. I just want to know why. Why they did such and such, why they chose who they chose, what was going tgrough thier mind. why why why!!

But I guess I just have to stick to reading books about them. I'm just a naturally curious person.

I do art, painting, crafts, writing, singing. It calms me when I'm stressed.

So, I am now working on getting some certifications and getting a job in IT. I'm exceptionally good at fixing computers, but I never really thought: I should do this as a job! But the pay will be amazing, and once I move up in the company I won't have to deal with really dumb questions from people needing tech support.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I COMPLETELY agree with @brat17 when she says that our society values us more by what we do than who we are. What is one of the first questions out of someone's mouth when they meet you? "What do you do for a living?" Well, I don't *do* anything as I am on disability, so therefore I must be nobody. Well, at least that's how my thoughts and feelings go. And then you add on top of that the shaming of people who are on disability for "using the system" and yeah, its enough to make me never want to be social again! But I digress.....

 

[Dana1010]

its enough to make me never want to be social again! But I digress....

Which is problematic since getting out and learning to trust people again is encouraged for those trying to recover from PTSD. I've had some high achieving types (no doubt born into normal, zero-drama families with amazing support structures) basically drop the conversation when I told them I didn't finish my degree. They had no idea what happened, no idea of the circumstances, the background. Most upwardly mobile careerist people don't want to hear anyone's "excuses." If you can blame your background for some of your failures, that might mean that their success has something to do with winning the parents lottery, and they're not having that. They want all the credit for their success.

 

[Bridgetns]

I COMPLETELY agree with @brat17 when she says that our society values us more by what we do than who we are. What is one of the first questions out of someone's mouth when they meet you? "What do you do for a living?" Well, I don't *do* anything as I am on disability, so therefore I must be nobody. Well, at least that's how my thoughts and feelings go. And then you add on top of that the shaming of people who are on disability for "using the system" and yeah, its enough to make me never want to be social again! But I digress.....

Omg!! I know exactly what you mean. Even though I know a lot of people who 'use the system', I feel awful for those who don't, and still catch hell about it.

And for some reason, that reminded me of something that happened at work a few months back.

I work at a daycare, and most of the other people that work there are younger, just out of high school kids. Tht are attending college.

Well, one girl had a panic attack while at work. I didn't hear if it until after it happened. But the boss was telling me about it and how 'if she's that messed up, she shouldn't work here' I got pissed and told her how I have ptsd and anxiety attacks exactly like that. And then she shut up.

But omg. It made me so mad!!!! The poor girl was trying her best, and the stress of school/work/ future, etc probably hit her all at once.

 

[Go Hungry]

Good topic! And painful too. I'd say yes. PTSD has definitely interfered with ambitions. I was working towards a psychology degree 20 years ago, because I was trying to find out what was wrong with me. Even then I knew something was terribly off, but I couldn't admit it to myself. And the bipolar was completely untreated, so the sheer chaos involved fried out those plans. I remember dropping out of school in the fall of 96' because I realized that all I was doing was going deeper into debt without accomplishing anything. That was real blow to my ego. Since then I've just wandered from job to job as different medical conditions popped up.

I wonder almost everyday who I might have been if I'd had a better family situation. I was amazed in 94' when I met my then girlfriends family and there was no screaming every night. They actually cared about each other, and the house didn't have that palpable aura of dread. It was so bright there...

I had really wanted to make something big of myself, like be pilot or astronaut or something, back when I was really really young. I wanted to travel, to see the world while there was still a world left. But that all got dashed in the face of everyday survival. I retreated into my mind where I could keep all my secrets, because thoughts are the one thing that your tormentors can't rip apart in front of your eyes. It happened so much that my treasures became things of pure thought. The way I daydreamed back then... It still bothers me sometimes, because I'm 39 and no closer to the sea than I was as a child. I really really just want to see it again. To feel sand between my toes and swim and maybe sink but still just be living once again.

A close friend came in from out of town almost a year after his last visit and commented that I was worse off than before. I really was too. I mean sure I had lost 50lbs, but I was quite miserable. But I seem to have gotten much better in the last month, I think largely because of this site and because I've had a lot of big changes in my daily routine come up. It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to fall into a rut, and how gradually it happens. So easy.

But getting back to the topic at hand, currently I'm just a clerk because it's a rather low stress job. But the pay is crap so I'm going to have to be getting a second job to cover everything. I'm hoping with the change in management that maybe that can change some.

 

[Alien Goodness]

"YES!" is the short answer to this question.

The longer answer will involve cataloguing a long list of broken dreams, crushed hopes and frustrated envy at others who are lucky enough to not be chained to PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not remember having any dreams. I used to love to write short stories and draw.

But now things are different for me if I dare and am brave enough.

My husband died a year ago and I am in the process of rebuilding my life and starting over. I have a dream of going back to college for what, that is something I still do not know. But I am slowly learning that I can dare to have dreams now. Most of my family of origin is either dead or estranged so I am free of them.

I have baby dreams now and I am taking baby steps. We never know what good is around the corner for us, something my husband used to tell me.

As I slowly heal and recover from his death, I am learning and growing again. I almost feel like the sky is the limit, yet I am fifty nine years old and have to take my age into consideration. I am no spring chicken anymore so while I heal, I mull things over and think about what it is I really want to do.

It will be slow going at college, no night classes and not a full load either. So I have decided to take baby steps for now.

I am at the point in my life where I am feeling so much more mellow than I used to be.

My childhood robbed me of so much. The journey has been a very tough road to walk on until now. I finally feel safe really safe. I have to remember that I have PTSD and things will be harder for me as I am really much older now.

But fledgling dreams are coming up now and I hope I will be able to dare to dream and accomplish something worthwhile while since I survived so much.

 

[mamachick]

I think that not only people in general are defined by what they do, at least if you are a stay at home mom raising kids, at least you are seen as doing something of value. But when you are past that stage in life, it becomes even worse. I questions "what do I do that is worthwhile" and the answer seems to be nothing. Some days I cant even get out to water the vegetable garden. With sleep problems, I can sleep til 5 pm some days. Who else does this. While I have a verified sleep disorder from a brain injury, it was managable until ptsd was ignited or re-ignited.

How can I not define myself by ptsd when most of my health problems are related. I had a partial rotator cuff tear repaired in December. It was doing great for 10 weeks. It stemmed from an assault. At 10 weeks, the guy I was dating and told to leave shoved me on his way out the door. Now I have a full tear with more damage. I have been a whipping post most of my life. Every bit of pain is related to abuse in some way, or the fall that I had that seemed to be a moderate trigger as well.

I feel limited to choices due to ptsd, so I dont know how to not feel defined by it. I think it would take a major shift in my perception to change it and I dont know how.

 

[dougyhowzer]

Before I was even diagnosed with C-PTSD, I had a few life ambitions. One was to become a professional basketball player, but I had major confidence and low self esteem issues so that never worked out. I also wanted to go to college and become a master culinary chef, but I never did get the opportunities to pursue it .

For what it's worth though, after dropping out of high school, Music started to become a interest that kept on growing while I was living in a boarding home at the age of 18. I am glad that I have a possible future as a composer/performer.

 

[Springer80]

Feeling pretty winded today on this topic. I am going through the motions in my job. I just feel like the only thing I want to do is not get hurt anymore. That is not exactly a definable ambition and is a bit of a double negative in terms of fulfilment. But I just can't muster anything else. Sometimes I wonder how I got to this. I can feel a hardness in me when I think about it, which I don't like.