Time To Give Up?

[wendys331]

Hello guys, I am posting here for some insight and any tips of course.

I am 25 years old I have been married for almost 2 years and it is very clear to me now that my husband suffers from a serious mental illness. He served 4 years as a Army Ranger.

We did get married fast, it happens. Well after a few months of living together his true colors started revealing themselves. I have been accused of sleeping with every man I come in contact with INCLUDING family members. He's had friends come over before and I get in trouble if I even talk to them, apparently I give men what he calls the "f** eye". I can't even leave the house with out getting accused of lying about where I am going. Its such a terrible thing to be apart of. He is such a love caring man and I have never been able to picture myself with anybody else, but his issues are getting worst. In the past two weeks he has totaled two cars related to alcohol. The second one was a brand new truck, bought it on Friday wrecked it on Monday. He is very mentally abusive and has terrible rages, one time he freaked out on me so bad that he made our dog pee himself. He gets so intoxicated that wetting the bed has become a daily thing. He also has this strange hold up about my family. We are both full time students and have been given the opportunity to work for my parents family business why we finish school. He is so convinced that my family has something to hide and that they are evil people when it is so far from the truth.

I just dont know how to make it better. He's told me in the last week that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, which I can truly accept that but I am scared for him and his terrible decisions. He is so set on the fact that I am the reason he has all these problems, he seems to think if he changes the people in his life that he will be happier, I for one know of my innocence and that whoever he gets involved with next might not handle him as well as I do. He acts like he wants to get help but never actually does it. Just proof reading this makes me feel extremely silly for putting up with him, unfortunately I am not able to give up on people I love. Dealing with him and being a full time nursing student is extremely over whelming.

 

[Almost There]

Can I suggest something? Just a suggestion....
Take care of you first. This situation sounds dangerous in my opinion. You are both in school and there is likely a counselling dept you can access... Please consider it. Your husband likely needs that help too but you can't make him ... He will have to choose to get help. So, start with taking care of you.

I know it is easier said than done....

 

[franciemarnie]

I would get out of there ASAP. He is dangerous and destructive.

You cannot change him. Whatever problems he has, you didn't cause, and you can't control or cure him.
Clearly he is not getting help. I would take the dog with you too, and then you could probably benefit from counseling.

You must find a way to be safe. He sounds unpredictably out of control. If you think you can fix him and keep trying, get counseling now so you can get perspective and help for possible codependency.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

 

[wendys331]

No you're right. I actually left our house a couple of days ago. I left on my own and have been staying with my family. I havnt heard from him in a couple of days, one day he is trying to work it out, the next he is saying he wants a divorce. I'm just hanging out in limbo. I don't know whether to pick up the pieces and move on, or just wait it out. I thought by leaving that maybe he would finally seek help, that loosing me would give him motivation to make things better, well needless to say that was a fail.

 

[Fadeaway]

He is such a love caring man and I have never been able to picture myself with anybody else,

Um, no he isn't. A loving and caring man would not say those horrible things to you. I am glad you are gone. That sort of situation does not get better, it only escalates unless the person gets serious help and truly wants it.

 

[Springer80]

He is so set on the fact that I am the reason he has all these problems, he seems to think if he changes the people in his life that he will be happier, I for one know of my innocence

I thought by leaving that maybe he would finally seek help, that loosing me would give him motivation to make things better, well needless to say that was a fail.

I think there is some sort of correlation between these two things.
He crashes cars and even tries to control the way you look at people. That's seriously paranoid aggressive behaviour, so he has no idea that he's the mess. He's the problem. I doubt whether the fact you have feelings that your entitled too even registers with him.

If he believes that all his problems are down to the people in his life then why would you leaving motivate him? Why would anything you do motivate him?

That is a very slippery slope to get involved in, because the only way he wants the people around him to behave is to do exactly what he says. But it's never enough. And when a person becomes another persons doormat, they don't get love and the person who's calling the shots doesn't feel love, they just feel power and resentment and self loathing and they treat you worse and worse and worse.

I think you've made a good decision leaving. And I would take each day as it comes but live for yourself. And you'll know with a little time what to do next.

 

[wendys331]

Thanks guys, you are all right. I have definitely seen my friends in terrible relationships and don't understand how they don't get out. I really don't understand how I got myself into this situation. It's basically like being married to 2 different people and this person I don't know is coming out more and more. When he got out of the army we bought a house around my family. His family is 900 miles away. I think that is also some resentment he has towards me, although it was his choice. Either way his family knows he has a drinking problem but I don't think they realize the extent of his problems. I'm sure him calling them up and saying terrible things about me also doesn't help my case since they pretty much barely know me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So many people say the same.....they state the abusive behavior and then say BUT he can be the most loving man. Well, the thing is that nobody is 100% evil, just as nobody is 100% pure. I mean even Eva found something to love in Hitler, and we all know just how horrid he was, right?

This is beyond PTSD. He has an alcohol problem, and is very abusive. And don't get me started on that **f** eye thing.... I've had guys say it to me, only they say I am getting the look, not giving it, as in every guy who is simply nice to me or looks at me is giving me the **f** eye. Uhm, nope! That is PURE jealousy, and given all of the other things you've stated about this guy, yep, he's quite jealous!

Don't let him put you in limbo, because you are essentially saying that his behavior is ok, and it is his choice as to whether or not you two stay together. Make your own choice. If I were you, I'd get out now. Uhm, maybe we could scare you into the decision by having you read all of the horror stories of domestic violence which resulted in PTSD? Nope, you don't want this disorder for yourself, but if you stay in an abusive relationship, that may be where this story leads.

I wish you the best.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Get the dog and end the relationship. I was helped out of an abusive relationship by my local domestic violence support office. The police finally had to get rid of him. I stayed too long and I have many intrusive memories related to him. What a total waste of time he was. He threw my dog across the room. That's what finally did it for me. Hurt me but not my dog that's how messed up I was. Alcohol fueled his rage I was afraid for my life.

Get the dog and get the hell away. He's told you he doesn't want this relationship. Of course he wants to terrorize you in the meantime. Do not answer his calls do not try to fix him. Only he can do that. If you have to do anything give him the phone number of the VA Hospital and the phone number for AA. That's it. Done and done.

Don't forget to take the dog!

 

[Friday]

Remember: A lot of people believe that as long as you still love someone, you can still make it work. The whole love conquers all, all you need is love, blah blah blah blah.

That's not the way it works.

Don't wait until you don't love him anymore to end it.

"But I still love him" is not a reason to stay.
Whether you're healthy and on your feet.
Or broken in the ICU.
People hurt & kill the people they love.
People are hurt & killed by the people they love.
You need more than love.
A lot more.
A whole helluva lot more to make it work.

 

[Sighs]

Don't wait until you don't love him anymore to end it.

Well said @FridayJones! My ex did not have PTSD but was an alcoholic. I stayed about 3 years too long! By the end, not only did I not love him anymore, I had no respect for him and literally couldn't stand to be in the same room with him.

You CANNOT "save" an alcoholic. (Or anyone else for that matter.) Take the dog and go.

 

[scout86]

The only thing I have to add to all of that is that you shouldn't confuse "controlling" and "caring". There are plenty of people who will occasionally use being "loving and caring" as part of their method of keeping you around for their own purposes.

If he wants a divorce, I'd say you're ahead of the game, grab the opportunity and run! He is NOT your problem. (But take the dog, if you can!)