Relationship Running Away

[Cdnmofo]

My fiancée was diagnosed with TBI and PTSD almost 8 years ago.

We have been living together for the past year. He was attacked and almost killed by 3 British soldiers while on duty. Therefore he is hyper vigilant and has many triggers. The biggest being tones of voice and acts of aggression; verbal or physical. They don't need to be towards him. Even in a public area if he sees or hears wrong tones of voice or actions it will trigger him.

Our biggest difficulty is my youngest son, 20 yrs old. My son is loud and his tone of voice can seem aggressive to someone with PTSD. My son also is self centred He is learning to try to tone down J's sake. I've seen great improvement but it never seems enough for J.

We had an incident last night that set J off to the point he threatened my son verbally. Thus scared me, my son and my daughter. J left the house immediately after. Only to return briefly this morning to pick up a change of clothes and his tent. Staying away for who knows how long.
Is it okay to let them 'run' from these difficult times? From my experiences running from problems does not solve them.

My son is moving out the end of this month. Planned before this incident. J is thinking he can no longer deal with him because he is a big trigger for him. What do I do? I obviously love my son but I also love J with all my heart. :(. So conflicted as to how to handle this. Any thoughts or suggestions based on your experiences would be appreciated.

Thank you

 

[Springer80]

I would think your husband is using the tent to calm his body down. It's not ideal but he probably needs the time to decompress. As long as you know where he is? ?? If your son is moving out in a month perhaps your husband can pitch the tent in the garden if you have one, once he comes back and can use it can be his sanctuary for the interim.

I think your son needs to accommodate your husbands needs. If you husband had a broken leg he wouldn't keep knocking it repeatedly, it would be perverse.

You don't say how long your husband has had the condition/been diagnosed. Perhaps you all need to read up more on the neruo-physiological impact this has, as a family?

PS. sorry you said fiancé didn't you. I take it your son is from another relationship. It must be hard if there is some dynamic playing out between them regarding you having a new man in your life.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's not okay for your fiancee to threaten your son verbally or anyone else for that matter.

You line confuses me:

I obviously love my son but I also love J with all my heart.

Love isn't enough in a relationship and love isn't enough for PTSD. You should protect your family first...

JMHO.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/it-takes-more-than-love.9032/

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with @Springer80 . It is important that everyone takes into consideration that your husband is suffering from a serious condition.
I think it's okay for him to take some time to decompress and to gather his thoughts, as long as he checks in with you regularly, telling you his whereabouts and how he's doing.

That said, your son very probably didn't mean to hurt him. I think it would be wise for all of you to gather round and gently and respectfully discuss what happened and how it can be prevented in the future. Preferably before your son moves out! Take the input from your children seriously, too. Verbal threats, no matter how understandable, are not acceptable.

You don't have to choose between your children and your husband. I believe you can all work this out together. Maybe you could go to family therapy every once in a while? It doesn't have to be often, but from personal experience I have found that it can really promote good communication within the family.

I hope this helps you. Wishing you the best.

 

[Justmehere]

Running seems like a better option than him continuing to escalate. Your experience may be that stating helps. However, it sounds like J's "fight or flight" system got activated (usually response to a trigger) and for the safety of everyone, it probably better he flight than verbally fight. I don't think either are something you or J should just tolerate. Is he in treatment?

 

[Cdnmofo]

@Springer80
Thank you for your response ;)

My first sentence states he was diagnosed almost 8 yrs ago ;) He is well versed in his triggers and the control. PTSD coupled with TBI is even more difficult as they mirror many of the same effects.

I do somewhat understand the decompression but I also believe leaving the home is more harmful. When upset and alone he tends to find more trouble.

My son has toned down his actions and voice to accommodate quite a bit. He is trying to understand but it takes the effort of two. Last nights episode was in my opinion not called for. J had an earlier run in at a local store trying to return an item to which he did not have the receipt. He left the store in deep anger. He suppressed it like he has learned and removed himself from the situation. I believe my son triggered the aggression which had not yet been let go. He denys any link.

 

[Cdnmofo]

@Justmehere

He sees a therapist once a month. She feels he us ready to be on his own. He knows most times his to avoid things so as not to lose his temper. The therapist seemingly discouraged hugs need for flight. I didn't try to stop him this time.

@Ayesha

Sorry. In his anger last night he said he's done with my son. Either he leaves or I do. I love them both. My son is moving in 3 weeks.

You re right no one deserves it. But I do understand a sufferer cannot always control what they say.

I've sacrificed a lot for my kids in the past as a parent should. However They are old enough now to understand.

 

[Springer80]

Like you say, he said it in anger. I would hope he wouldn't actually put you in that position. Thing may cool off hen the living arrangements have changed.


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[Justmehere]

It would be so painful for me as even a 20 year old if my soon to be step-father said, "either he leaves or I do" or saying he is "done" with me, and then he left when I did not. It would be really hard if my mother didn't tell him to stop being a jerk.

Selfishness can be common in 20 year olds, heck, in all of humanity, but that doesn't mean their self worth is always 100% secure. I think it is good he is moving out, but I also think the words likely hurt him.

You are also already downplaying that you and your daughter were scared too, in addition to your son. Your fiancé escalated so much he scared all of you, and said some things that likely hurt.

PTSD does not excuse being a jerk and saying hurtful threatening things, even when triggered. It's untrue to say we suffers cannot always control what we say. We can't control being triggered but we sure can control what we do with being triggered and certainly what we say.

You are excusing your soon-to-be husband for being a jerk and blaming it on PTSD when it really should not be blamed on PTSD. He had a responsibility to know his limits and manage his triggers and get out before being mean and verbally aggressive.

Do you think your son and your soon-to-be husband would do family therapy? Or do you plan on marrying a guy who wants nothing to do with your son? In the end, you can't change either of them. You can only control you. You can set boundaries on what you will and will not allow into your life. If this guy is going to marry you, then he should have some basic acceptance of your son. Your son only has one mom. He doesn't need to lose her too, at any age.

Your son does need to step up his own self improvement. He does need to learn some acceptance around J's struggle, and it sounds like he has been making some improvements there. Your fiancé should recognize that, and so should you. I'm not saying you should sacrifice either relationship or the other - but I would really question allowing someone else to put you in such a position where you would even be forced to do that.

I do think things will likely cool down once your son moves out. It is almost always hard when young adult kids are still at home with their parents. It may help everyone to have a little more space from each other. I think some family therapy meetings would be in order to keep this from being a long term divide or break down in relationships. Your son and daughter might need some time and some relationship repair work to not just understand, but to trust your fiancé again and not have this break down relationships over the long run.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree with @Justmehere. She basically said all that I was thinking but needed more information on. I think it could cause a rip in the family and will always be there. Hopefully things will calm soon.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I've sacrificed a lot for my kids in the past as a parent should. However They are old enough now to understand.

Old enough to understand what?

 

[Cdnmofo]

Thank you. I believe all if what you say. This is very helpful.

He is threatening to leave me as he can no longer live with my son as he is too much of a trigger