Ptsd And Cleaning Is A Flashback Trigger

[FabulousEnding]

As a child, most of my abuse with my mother was in regards to cleaning. She thought I owed them for being born and demanded I clean up after both them and myself, but I was a tiny child trying to feel some sense of control over my life. They controlled and tormented me so heavily, that being messy and starving myself was the only way I could feel some sense of control over my life. My mother always wanted to be skinny but never could and she always wanted a perfectly clean house (one that looked like I didn't even live there). What's funny is all that fighting for all those years and when I moved out, her real cleaning abilities showed up. One of our massive fights was over dishes and once it was her alone in the house, dishes would sit in the sink for days, dog crap would sit out on the carpet for days, she never dusted and about the only thing she could do was remove clutter. Since she couldn't handle anything she wanted me to do all of it.

So now I live with my boyfriend and my PTSD is so disabling that I can't do much. When I feel depressed and overwhelmed the house gets messy, and when it's super clean it means I'm happy. If I clean when I feel depressed then I feel like I'm losing control over my life. However, I'm tired of hearing my boyfriend complain about it. He works 40 hours a week and I don't work at all (although I'm starting school full time in August), and he's very messy but expects me to clean up after him and me all of the time every day. His old roommate lived with him for 3 years and was OCD clean... cleaned up after him all of the time.

Now, this situation is kind of triggering to me as it resembles the fights when I was a kid. Honestly, I don't think the house is that bad. He leaves his clothes lying all around the house and I have some papers out because I don't have a filing cabinet, and some clothes left out that probably need to go in a laundry hamper... but it's not really THAT bad. However since he wants me to be the maid since I owe him for not working due to my disability, it's triggering that same desire to rebel so I feel control. He thinks I should clean for 8 hours a day so the house is constantly spotless when he comes home, while I know if I weren't here the house would look almost the exact same. In fact, when I was in the hospital for 5 days, I came back and the house was twice as messy as when I left. I don't know... Anyone ever gone through something similar? How do you work on something that happens to be a trigger for you?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sorry to say that I see a big red flag concerning your boyfriends demands on you to be his indentured servant. Is anything going to change when you're in school and studying? All adults should be held responsible for their own mess. I can see you picking up the cleaning of furniture dusting and vacuuming, but where does he come off thinking he can dump his clothes and expect you to clean them up. Big red flag.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I agree with @KwanYingirl, he should be held to some responsibility.

I do understand your feelings and it's something I too experience, but never really have thought about it much until now. My real dad and step mom growing up made me clean the dishes, even when I was like… 4 years old and could barely reach the sink while standing on a chair. If any plate or pan wasn't spotless, I either got beat with it if it was a pot, beat with whatever else they could grab, or I was not allowed to eat the next meal. Same with folding clothes. If it wasn't up to my stepmom's standards, I got hit or at best yelled at. I also was forced to wash my dad's feet and clip his toe nails because he was too big to do it himself :yuck:.

I now DESPISE doing dishes and folding clothes. I am in a similar situation. Due to not being able to work from disability and I'm not in school currently, I live with my mom and stepdad. They both work, so my mom expects me to load and unload dishwasher, and wash/dry/fold clothes. I can tolerate unloading and loading dishwasher with only mild anxiety as long as I have music on loud or Bristol (my service dog in training) beside me to talk to. But I have "accidentally" (not really) forgot to fold laundry before and gotten yelled at as result. I can wash and dry, but folding is triggering for me :(.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand that you should do your part of the household chores and such, but this situation is a recreation of your trauma. In effect, you are constantly being re-traumatized, and I honestly don't think this environment is conducive to healing.

I'm also concerned that your PTSD is so disabling that you can't do much, but you are starting school full time in a month. Full time school really is like a full time job.

 

[FabulousEnding]

I agree with all three of you. He did something super malicious this morning where he lied to me, yelled at me about it, acted like a psycho douche, then left the house after stomping around mumbling to himself... He said a friend of mine's girlfriend (who I'm also friends with) sent him a long post this morning and he said all that it said in the message and he yelled at me saying I was messing with her boyfriend or something... nothing true at all. So I chewed her out and then she gave me her FB password and it turned out he was lying, so I said there's no message what are you talking about? I thought he was in psychosis, but then he confessed he deliberately made it all up. I cried my eyes out in the backyard and he told me to go inside so the neighbors don't hear, and then he started pulling some shit I've seen my dad do to my mom (she's crazy too). He'd provoke her until she snapped and yelled at him or threw a remote at him... he pushed me so bad I actually yelled then he said I yelled aggressively and that he's afraid of me now. Every person I've ever dated has thought of me as the most compassionate and caring person they've ever known, and he thinks that even if I tell the truth and he doesn't believe it, then it still means I'm lying. I can't take it anymore. I called my therapist to ask her if she can set me up with disability housing and to certify my 3 cats as ESA animals so I can take them into the housing... and then maybe I can go live somewhere and not have to worry. Problem is I have no income and no way to take care of myself and no family.

I am concerned about the college thing too, but if I don't do something, I'll never get out of poverty. :'( This is so unfair. I got to know him for 3 years first and thought he was safe, but it all went downhill after I moved in. He guilts me about everything. Even wearing shorts out in public without him. I just can't take all this mental torment. He asked me what I do all day and I said you drain me dry then he got all huffy... but it's because I'm constantly having to recover from the way he treats me!

 

[shandemonium]

I am new to this forum but not new to everything FabulousEnding described. My mom used cleaning abusively too, often beating and throwing things at me while I was scrubbing something. Then I had to do it several times until it was "done right". It was similar to the infamous Mommie Dearest scene (and I can't ever watch that f$%#ing movie again!)

People like us tend to attract similar dynamics in our relationships.

Sorry to say that I see a big red flag concerning your boyfriends demands on you to be his indentured servant. All adults should be held responsible for their own mess. I can see you picking up the cleaning of furniture dusting and vacuuming, but where does he come off thinking he can dump his clothes and expect you to clean them up. Big red flag.

I agree with KwanGirl on this. I do know how many versions of my own mother I have dated and even had in friendship-relationships.

Your healing from the source of this abuse will eventually translate into the cleaning aspect. Cleaning is a trigger for you (and me), not the thing itself. InMyHumbleOpinion, so many therapists are clueless and using us as an experiment based on what a textbook or institution taught them. Of course, there are excellent therapists out there, no disrespect intended! Be careful of the ones who focus on the "cleaning" thing too much because I don't think they really get it.

My healing came through help from a 'spiritual' man, (note: NOT religious) who used a method called Ho'oponopono. I will be posting some stuff about that later just to offer help... not to preach.
I cannot say I am "healed" and skipping through life ecstatically, however I finally have a method for clearing the heaviness inside me that does work and does not cost anything. Being broke means going to the free-bee therapy places or being subject to the county. Please understand my issue with therapy is probably because I never could afford any good ones. I have been to MANY since I was in group-homes as a kid, and none were ever able to help me. Some made it worse.

I wish you the best and I am so glad I found a place online for support. Please know that you are loved (even if it's from some online weirdo like me who you might never meet lol). I LOVE YOU AND I CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALING

 

[FabulousEnding]

Are you on medicaid? I have medicaid here in my state and it pays for weekly session with a trauma counselor. I absolutely love my counselor. I've called her twice today and she talked me through the shit with my boyfriend. She makes sense of all the crap in my head in a science kind of way, which I love, and what not. If you can get on medicaid, try calling local clinics that accept it and see if they have any who specialize in trauma.

 

[shandemonium]

I'm in CA which means Medi-Cal. I don't qualify for Medi Caid to my knowledge, and just recently found out I could even get medi-cal from the Obama thing (as it used to require having kids). I'm working on it; a good therapist would be nice!

My heart goes out to you especially about money making you feel trapped. THERE IS A WAY OUT. You need to make a plan and execute it. Start by finding a safe temporary home for your cats and go to the shelters if you must. Women shelters have programs for women in your situation as a lot of domestic abuse centers on the woman afraid to leave for economic reasons. They might even have a program to find you a job while you are in the shelter. I know that sounds terrifying, but honestly the first group home I was in (I was 13) I felt safe for the first time in my life.

It was scary being in a "home" but in comparison to my real home I felt great. Just some food for thought. I know it's hard to justify something that extreme when the abuse is emotional and not physical. But abuse is abuse! You are NOT ALONE

 

[Mystery]

FabulousEnding, your post reads like a big part of my lifestory. Cleaning, starving and controlling parents/people who are untrustworthy. What I've learned is that one day we wake up and realize that we have recreated our childhood scenario with the people we are now partnered to. I did it too and so do lots of women.

Living in a situation like that is like going back to a warzone for a soldier. I'm working on why I deserve better and maintaining the awareness that I don't have to justify my existence, by existing to take care of someone else's self care needs. That's what we learned in childhood and that's often why we were compelled to have children and why we are lost when they start to grow up and become independent. If we don't work on that, we just go about finding someone else to sacrifice our right to live a life worth living, to.

I've also just returned to study as part of my plan to get out. At the same time, my partner has initiated couples counselling because I've started to get more empowered and that's threatening his world and the comfort zone of keeping me partly disabled and not able to leave. I also have 3 cats! who have factored too much into the equation but I cannot bear to separate them or leave them.

When I started changing my ways of reacting to my partner through the empowerment I'm getting from therapy, he soon started changing his modus operandi too. Ultimately, we do deserve much much better than relationships like that. I've recently decided that I'm going to fix my disordered attachment style and self esteem, or die trying. You deserve better. There are some great ebooks out there for women like us if you Google, 'leaving a toxic relationship', there is heaps of great info for getting empowered. It won't happen overnight but if you keep taking the baby steps and getting more insight, you will get to a point where you truly believe you do deserve better and want it for yourself. You are too good for that guy and he knows it, imho. It's a very common syndrome that guys like him have with predictable behaviours, you will see the patterns if you have a read about it. Best wishes mate and keep on believing that you deserve better, please.:hug:

 

[FabulousEnding]

That's what's ironic is I didn't realize what I was getting into but I thought... We've known each other 3 years and he seemed like pure good. Luckily I'm bi so when I give up on men, I can jump the fence lol. I'm already petrified of men and he was one of the only ones I trusted. Can't say I trust him at all now. Only male I trust is my boy cat because after 2.5 years I know that kitty trusts me and loves me tremendously. :)

What you said your SO liking that you are disabled... I've suspected the same thing of my bf. I had a job before for 3 weeks in this town and I lost it for acting bipolar. The place was mostly women so every day I'd be questioned if I was falling for any girls at work. Wants me to work but gets super jealous... Can't win! He gets upset when I need to raise my meds and reach out to my drs, to which I tell him to go f*** himself because I'm getting treatment. I like what you said "he doesn't deserve you and he knows it." That made me smile haha

 

[FabulousEnding]

That's one of my kitties in the photo by the way. :) she wanted me to turn off the light shining in her eyes lol

 

[Mystery]

The pattern with abusers and often they are narcissists and sometimes even psychopaths, is Idealize, Devalue, Discard. They can create an impression of being Mr Wonderful at first, which is how we get sucked in. Narcissists need relationships with highly empathetic people (us) in order to maintain their lack of empathy and overinflated sense of entitlement. Nuerotics (us who didn't come out of childhood with an intact sense of self worth and value) have too much empathy and too little entitlement.

They get us to reveal everything about ourselves in the beginning, so they learn how to better manipulate us.. We think they are sooo interested in us and such a great listener and sympathizer and so we feel we have met someone finally who really gets us. What we have effectively done is given them they keys to our innermost fears and insecurities. That makes us very vulnerable. They don't go for women who don't stand for the crap they know they will eventually throw at us.

They also perfect their art over several relationships which they have discarded in the past. You'll usually hear how crazy and mental these other women were and how not like them you are at first.

I'm seriously considering being in a gay relationship, which I've never done before, after I get this one sorted out safely. I have for years, although I truly think that if I don't sort myself out, I will still create the same pattern with a partner regardless of who it is. I'm glad that made you smile because it shows me that underneath the current stress, you really do know that you're too good for him. Thank Goodness for pets hey?!:p