Preoccupation With Abuser(s)

[NancyPansy]

Hello all, I hope you're having a good day. I found this forum through a Google search for "preoccupation with abuser." I don't know whether I am suffering from full PTSD, although I'm pretty sure I'm suffering the effects of trauma bonding. I also have terrible insomnia, anxiety, irritability and am unable to stop thinking about my abusers. But I feel better after seeing that I'm apparently not alone, since I found other threads that were similar:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/an-overwhelming-preoccupation-with-revenge-seeking-rescuers.16716/

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/thoughts-of-revenge.41640/

In my case, because I mainly suffered from psychological abuse including a controlling relationship, a really bad smear campaign, threats and intimidation, as well as being treated like I was worth crap and was just inferior in every way (this last one can REALLY mess you up even if you don't realize it).

I think that's why my so-called "revenge" obsessions center around over-achievement.

I don't feel like I want to kill these people, but I want to get to the point where I become a powerful person who's in a position to make them feel like THEY are crap on the sole on my shoes, and for them to feel pathetic. You know what I mean? (please note that I'm not normally elitist or anything, I feel this way toward one person in particular) I think this comes from having been humiliated and the psychological damage that hasn't been repaired.

Unfortunately, I have not had an easy life, including abuse as a child and really, really bad decisions by my father which severely limited my choices in life (some people have said I should be proud of myself for having any degree at all, given the circumstances) and I guess that's reasonable to say, but I still can't shake the feeling of anger and disgust at myself for being such a loser, that I feel I will only heal if I can out-achieve these persons.

Anyways, just wanted to hear other people's stories and see if anyone had anything similar happen to them. I think the worst effects of long-term humiliation happen when the abusive person(s) actually have more authority/credentials than you do, because in your mind, even though you, on a rational level, know that only a very sick person would behave so abusively, you think "well, I am a bit of a loser in comparison." So what it did to me is I've developed this unhealthy obsession with over-achievement.


Have a great Sunday all!

 

[RussH]

Welcome to the forum. I think you will find this is a good place for you.

I understand your feeling. I, myself, want to become a success in part so I can show my former employer that they cannot keep me down.

 

[Bookoffee]

I don't feel like I want to kill these people, but I want to get to the point where I become a powerful person who's in a position to make them feel like THEY are crap on the sole on my shoes, and for them to feel pathetic. You know what I mean? (please note that I'm not normally elitist or anything, I feel this way toward one person in particular) I think this comes from having been humiliated and the psychological damage that hasn't been repaired.

I have wanted to expose my family for the abuse they put me through for a long time. I just recently had a break-down where I told everyone on FaceBook what they did to me. I thlought I was going crazy. Not the best decision I have made but I had to release the pain.

 

[RussH]

but I want to get to the point where I become a powerful person who's in a position to make them feel like THEY are crap on the sole on my shoes

@NancyPansy, Something I do in these situations is; I recognize my desire for revenge, and then try to remove the revenge part, while keeping the motivating part. I will become successful in my newly chosen endeavor, but not at the expense of wanting to make others feel like crap on the soles of my shoes.

This expression crap on the soles of shoes is exactly how I have felt at the hands of my tormentors, so you are not alone in these feelings. This is the metaphor I have used in explaining my own self image after my tormentors finished with me.

 

[Bookoffee]

@RussH It is very difficult to remove the desire and move forward. I can not get past that I need to expose the truth about them and bring shame to them. I feel I have let my neices and nephews down by letting them grow up in the abuse.

 

[RussH]

@Bookoffee If the situation is such that your neices and nephews are in danger, then by all means expose the truth.

I was thinking more in lines of letting go of the anger and resentment, when in truth those two emotions simply harm us rather than our abusers.

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you

 

[Bookoffee]

I was never allowed them because of my sexuality, so I dont know what the truth is. They are all grown up and on their own now. I dont know what their childhood was like. I would just pray it wasnt like mine.

 

[franciemarnie]

Lately I think that, aside from the natural human instinct to react to injustice, when I have useless, destructive, painful, obsessed preoccupation with the old days, it is my body/mind's way of trying to recreate original traumas within so I can once and for all discharge the original trauma energy that was not discharged at the time due to the prolonged period of abuse and/or impending threat of annihilation.

When I look at it that way then I feel removed from the torture of remembering and rage, and can focus on trying to release my poor tired body's constriction.

It is torture to obsess so I try to redouble my efforts to relieve my body/mind of its long-ago uncompleted actions of release.

My heart goes out to you. We often involuntarily, unconsciously perpetuate the original offenses over and over, continuing to suffer when we never should have had to experience all that in the first place. Mindful meditation, somatic release -and more recently - Trauma Release Exercises are helping me.

When I feel physically well, I do not think of the past unless triggered. When I don't feel well, the past seems to roll out before my eyes and replay over and over. So I focus on working with my body for relief. The PTSD is in my body.