Childhood I was abused by a family member, but never see him or experience him as an abuser

[Mr.Man]

Its a bit more complicated than in the topic. I had a reemergance of memories of sexual abuse during therapy. Since than Im going threw a rollercoaster, every time there seem to be another reemergance of something related to the abuse (feeling, even lost/new sense of self) than bam, nothing, everything goes back to its normal state, including my sense of self and how everyone and everything feels around me.
Now the thing is even the abuser seem to be the regular sweet innocent person I have always experienced him as.
I may never be able to know if I really was abused cause my case is built over repressed memories from a time in my life I cant recall. But I wanted to ask (and sorry if its triggering) if some of you who know as a fact that they have been abused can relate with my experience, as being disconected from any feeling related to the abuse as if nothing ever happened and you are just imagining, and the abuser and your communication and everything around seem to be absoloutely legit like you may have made it all up. Thanks for reading, will appreciate any help

 

[Movingforward10]

100%. What you're going through, whilst so horrible, unsettling, destabilising and confusing, is very common.

I often talk about the book 'healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors' by janine fisher, because it really helped me understand memory, how we split off parts of ourselves, and how the healing is in integrating ourselves into a whole person.

I went through a similar thing. Memories came back in dreams. More came back in therapy. it was very confusing. Sometimes feelings would come back (terror, fear, anxiety etc) but necessarily not linked to a 'thing', because mostly when i thought about some of the rapes/assaults, i had no feelings attached to it. Mainly because the memory of the events, the physical feeling of the events, the psychological feeling of the events, the aftermath, everything about it: all spilt off into different sections so that non of it makes sense or was/is held together in my mind.


It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you think it can't be true. It is very very very difficult.

So, sitting with you whilst you go through this. And know that what you're experiencing is something a lot of us share.
It does get better. You can formulate a 'story' of what happened to you. It might still have missing bits of the story, but you'll know and believe yourself enough.

 

[Rose White]

wanted to ask (and sorry if its triggering) if some of you who know as a fact that they have been abused can relate with my experience, as being disconected from any feeling related to the abuse as if nothing ever happened and you are just imagining, and the abuser and your communication and everything around seem to be absoloutely legit like you may have made it all up.

Yes. It’s a very strange feeling and process. I called it “going through the mirror” because everything in life was the same but I was on the other side and in a very key way it was fundamentally different. I Guess it was my perspective that was different, and I had to rebuild my sense of self self from scratch.

 

[arfie]

i solidly believe the axiom that good people do bad/abusive things. it's part of life's never ending learning curve. there is always something else to learn.

is was clearly abusive when my 4 year old foster daughter threw a roller skate at her big sis (7), leaving a massive bruise on her cheek. that 4 year old still looks and feels quite innocent to my senses. she certainly learned allot from the tantrum --i hope. prayers ongoing that i helped big sis heal the psychic wound enough that she won't drag baby sis to court 20 years from now.

 

[beaneeboo]

Its a bit more complicated than in the topic. I had a reemergance of memories of sexual abuse during therapy. Since than Im going threw a rollercoaster, every time there seem to be another reemergance of something related to the abuse (feeling, even lost/new sense of self) than bam, nothing, everything goes back to its normal state, including my sense of self and how everyone and everything feels around me.
Now the thing is even the abuser seem to be the regular sweet innocent person I have always experienced him as.
I may never be able to know if I really was abused cause my case is built over repressed memories from a time in my life I cant recall. But I wanted to ask (and sorry if its triggering) if some of you who know as a fact that they have been abused can relate with my experience, as being disconected from any feeling related to the abuse as if nothing ever happened and you are just imagining, and the abuser and your communication and everything around seem to be absoloutely legit like you may have made it all up. Thanks for reading, will appreciate any help

Yes I get what you're saying 100% and as others here have said it's a common feeling for survivors.

It's so hard when your internal state doesn't match with your external life. It's so much easier when it does. I feel so much better in many ways when it does. But after decades of going back and forth with it I've realised better isn't better. It's living a half truth. And for me always comes crashing down at some point.

Integration is so hard. Because how can 2 different separate realities exist? Well, because they did. And our child brains simply didn't have the capacity to process that in an integrated way.

Know you're not alone.