Relationship Mixed Signals - Confusion Rules...

[Wastinglight]

Hi fellow supporters. I’m not sure what to make of this latest development. I saw him on the weekend - first time in three weeks. Not one-on-one, mind you, it was at a sporting activity that we both attend, and he texted me the night before to say he was coming. We have been keeping in contact by texting the past few weeks, although he just replies to the texts I send, for the most part. He still isn’t really being affectionate in his messages. Yesterday he seemed keen enough to talk to me (not about our relationship, just general chit-chat, however there were too many people around to talk about serious stuff anyway), and we even kissed a couple of times when we had a moment alone. He was acting more or less like his old self again – happy and chatty.

So I guess my first thought was that he is on the way out of his withdrawal, and slowly coming back to me. But there is one thing that makes me wonder whether I’m wrong about that. In one of his messages this week he has casually mentioned that he has had a few visits from family and friends at his house, and again yesterday, when we were chatting in person. It feels like he’s trying to make it obvious that I’m the only one that he doesn’t want to spend time alone with. It feels like a slap in the face. I sent him a text last night saying how nice it was to see him. No reply as yet.

So I’m a bit confused as to why would he do something so intimate (and encouraging!) as kissing me, and then make it seem like I'm the only one he's not inviting around to his house? Or am I just overanalysing this way too much? I will admit that I have had to work hard on managing my own anxieties these past few weeks. It's been difficult at times, and it feels like it might be a while yet before I know for sure whether he still wants this relationship or not. I will continue to be patient, and wait to see what happens next, but I just wish he wasn’t giving me mixed signals… I assume this is a common occurrence in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer though...?

Any thoughts appreciated. Thanks :)

 

[Justmehere]

Does he flat out tell you that you are the only one he doesn't invite? Or is that your conclusion from what else he is saying? Is he spending alone one on one time with them? Have you told him of how you are feeling about this and what it all seems like to you?

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Justmehere. No, he hasn't told me straight out, it's me reading between the lines. But saying things straight out is not something he tends to do very often. As for asking him, my gut instinct is that now is the wrong time to bring it up with him - after all, if it turns out that he doesn't want this relationship and is just working up the courage to say so, then there's no point in talking about it... I guess I'm just after a reality check from others as to what this situation looks like from an outsider's point of view. This is the first time that he's withdrawn from me, so I don't know if I should get my hopes up or what...thanks for listening :-)

 

[Friday]

PTSD here... I just want to thank you for that perspective. While I try not to lie, when I'm coming out of isolation I do tend to make a big deal out of "Look at me! I'm being normal! Doing normal things! Like seeing people! And interacting with them!" Even if in my mind they're "just" family (and by seeing I mean I laid in the couch and made noises at them, in my pjs, until they went away), or I'm hyping up 'talked to gas station attendant when paying for gas' as 'saw some friends earlier this week, Amd had a good time'.

Can't say for your beaux, but when I'm doing this it's 75% for me (I can do this, look I'm doing this, I'm getting better) and the other 25% is meant to be reassuring (as opposed to... I had to work myself up to come here for a week, and now after spending 3 hours pretending to be normal I'm going to have to spend a month recovering from it).

It's never occurred to me that the people I'm trying to reassure might be feeling hurt. Instead of the fact that, for me at least, I'm testing myself out on people I don't care about losing, or who don't care if I'm a lunatic laying on the couch telling them to f*ck off and I never want to see them, again. Because they know I don't mean it (I do, but only in the moment).

 

[SKIP]

My thoughts: Don't think about being slapped in the face because your friend doesn't reply or don't want to see you at this time. Maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and don't want to hurt you or he just needs time to himself without a companion. I don't know if your reading more into it, but what I'm reading is a lady whom is caring for a man deeply and he's not showing the same. It's okay to be patient, but it's not okay if you are putting your life on hold and waiting for him. Don't focus all your energy waiting on him. Let him call you. If he doesn't then he's not the man God wants for you.
Think about the kind of corrector in a man you don't want; don't settle for less. I'm not talking about having a nice looking guy with money. I'm saying a guy whom going to treat you with the respect you deserve and is going to show you the same affection. Now wipe those tears, focus on YOU and be happy.

 

[Wastinglight]

Cheers @FridayJones, and thank YOU for your perspective. I love your sense of humour :D From what I know of him, this is absolutely the sort of thing I could picture my guy doing (and I imagine your average person probably would feel reassured, but I've got a swag of my own issues that make positive thinking a challenge in such situations :p). I did get a reply from him today, and it was much more encouraging. But really, posting today was more about calming my own anxieties than anything else, and just being able to talk with you guys about it without feeling judged helped me so much. And @SKIP - thank you as well. I can't be told that enough - self-care is always a struggle for me.Thanks a million guys.

 

[Sighs]

who don't care if I'm a lunatic laying on the couch telling them to f*ck off and I never want to see them, again. Because they know I don't mean it (I do, but only in the moment).

Sorry to hijack the thread but would love some insight here @FridayJones if you can. My combat vet has on a couple of occasions told me he doesn't love me anymore and never wants to see me again. How is it that your supporters "know you don't mean it"? Every time it happens its like I literally can't breathe. I find it very hard to believe him when he later tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. He can't seem to understand why I am insecure in the relationship. Its like he has no memory of telling me its over.

 

[Friday]

Probably the best way I can think to explain it is this:

Think of your favorite thing to do, ever.
Now think of having the stomach flu / food poisoning and actively throwing up.
Mid hurl you get asked if you want to go do your favorite thing, ever.
Noooooooooooooo!
Well how about your favorite food instead?
Gag. No, no, no, no, no don't even mention f-f-f-food. Gag.

But later? As soon as you aren't sick anymore?
Of course I wanna go do my favorite thing ever! Are you nuts? Why wouldn't I?
And my favorite food? What do you mean you didn't get me any???

For me, at least, it's the exact same kind of shut down & tunnel vision, whether I'm throwing up or in PTSD-land. My brain literally cannot focus, or even bear the mention of, oh god. I'm going to be sick. Go away go away go away!

I'd never really thought about it before... But everyone who is fine with my telling them to amscray either have this themselves, or work in medicine / are totally usedto ignoring cranky (or amorous) patients as not being in their own mind. Mmhmm? Yes. Why sure Mr. 30mg of oxycodone, of course I'll marry you, here have a drink of water, yes yes I like the way water feels, too. Hurting or loopy people can be talked at, but not talked with. Its a one sided conversation.

 

[Sighs]

Thank you @FridayJones! That really does help.

 

[anthony]

So I guess my first thought was that he is on the way out of his withdrawal, and slowly coming back to me.

Yes, that does mean he is slowly, read that word and acknowledge it... slowly, coming back from his withdrawal. I would remove the "you" aspect though, because he isn't coming back to you, he is coming out of his withdrawal. You, and you (relationship) are very different things in the scheme of PTSD.

In one of his messages this week he has casually mentioned that he has had a few visits from family and friends at his house, and again yesterday, when we were chatting in person.

Friends and family don't want anything from him. They don't demand his time, energy or attention... they're literally quite neutral in the scheme of relationships. You, being a partner, sex, togetherness, talking about each others deepest issues... that is a whole different kettle of fish right there.

For PTSD, one is easy to deal with, the other is not. I don't have family demand I meet expectations or such, but a partner demand such things, thus the first is not a stressor, the second is.

You're reading into a lot of things, which is dangerous with a PTSD sufferer. As above... having a D&M right now obviously won't go well... and when he comes out of his fog and is more together, sure thing... but again, stressors. Sexual relationships, living with a person, having them expect you to do things, demand things from you, are stressors for PTSD. Family and friends go home and leave you alone... partners don't, or often don't.

Difference between the two from a PTSD sufferers perspective.

To be quite honest, partners honestly get the raw end of things in these relationships... no disagreement there. It can take a sufferer so long to work things out for themselves, to get themselves to a place that they can maintain, just to have someone in their life who they call a partner. I went through marriages (plural) and many relationships to know what I know, and I'm still learning on how to be with someone without actually running away from the stressor of a relationship.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @anthony , very insightful and helpful. When my anxiety isn't getting in the way (it often gets in the way), and I can look at the situation objectively, I usually come to a conclusion similar to what you've described, regarding his behaviour, and I feel totally fine about it. I really don't know what I would do without this forum. As I explained above, I post here mostly in order to talk to people who 'get' what I'm talking about (you're the only people in my life who get it), and stop myself from imploding on days when it gets hard :-D

 

[anthony]

Partners really do just get shafted by us sufferers. Anyone who says otherwise, is quite honestly in denial IMHO. There are very few cases where the partner turned into the actual abuser, that I've seen... and even then, the partner wasn't that way, but turned that way to deal with the ongoing abuse from the sufferer.

It really is a joint effort to maintain a relationship, and two people without mental illness have a difficult enough time with this over a long-term, let alone complicating things with it.

I get it, yes.