Sad

[joeylittle]

I'm thinking perhaps you don't have the right therapist. This:

And I feel like my therapist thinks I'm an idiot for caring so badly about understanding everything versus somehow accepting the process.

Kind of indicates that you are isolating from them, and sometimes that just means it's a good time for a change.

Something I learned in DBT that really helps me. It's important to be aware of your current emotional capacity, and match your coping/distraction skills to that. In the past, when I'd get really, really hopeless, I'd think that the way to combat it was to get extra, extra active. And inevitably, I'd fail - because I didn't have the capacity for that.

Now, when I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I try and keep my coping simple. I'm bad at self-soothing, but I can keep distractions really low-key, like watch a favorite movie, or walk to the coffee shop and back. And I really make sure I'm letting my therapist in on it. It's hardest to trust people when we feel this low; but this is when it's most important to put faith in your treatment team.

I'm sorry you're going through the mud.

 

[Leah123]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I don't think it's easy to just conjure up motivation or insight into how to overcome a slump, so I hear that. I definitely live in that place sometimes, where if I knew how to do better or had the energy to do better, I would, but I don't, so I need a hand up. I think, hopefully, your therapist can help a bit with that. Sometimes little things help me- listening to evocative music, finding a penpal, dragging myself out for coffee, sleeping.... you could call them distractions, but really they're nurturing.

I do hear a lot of self-judgement, but I will give you credit that you're just *thinking* these negatives instead of hurting yourself or worse, so... that's progress. It's easy to feel, in therapy, that as we're growing, the way we were previous is inferior, but it wasn't- we simply are like caterpillars becoming butterflies... you can't really curse the caterpillar!!! They're both equally valuable, just different.

I don't have much advice, just want to tell you you deserve kindness and help and it's a strength, not a weakness, to seek them out. Those things just take time to get used to though! Maybe you can try and be patient with yourself, you know, sitting with those bad feelings you're having? That's an accomplishment in itself. Not everyone can do that.

Take care. :)

 

[Go Hungry]

@The Albatross (I mean what advice did you offer other than for me to just sort of suck it up or get over it....does that work for depressed people in your experience?).

You undermined my whole message. Telling anyone here to pull themselves up by their bootstraps...wtf

What a joke "support" forum. If I don't want to kill myself or starve this time I could just try PULLING MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS. Duh.

HOW is that not supposed to make me feel worse, and please, please, please wonder why you are digging at me...

Yup, there's the moodiness too. And a bit of the Fatalism. These are major symptoms of a definitive down cycle. (I studied abnormal psych a lot in college.)

I know this is going to sound silly. But this is your symptoms doing most of the talking. You aren't like this. Just from what I've seen from your posts in recent weeks, you aren't normally like this. Something is running haywire at this very moment. So keep that in mind.

So you're saying your in a down cycle? What are you going to do about that? What techniques have you used successfully before to pull yourself back up by the bootstraps? Start there.

Look again at the context of what Albatross was saying. She was asking about actions that have worked for you in the past to overcome these down cycles. She's not trying to be mean. I know she can be a little blunt at times, but it isn't coming from a bad place. She has her own manner of speaking, just like we all do.

Like a number of us have been saying, tell your therapist all about this. Everything. Then they can figure out a way to help, even if you can't see it at the time. And in the meantime, try and remember what helped you in the past. You've got this one. You've done it before, you can do it again. :tup:

 

[Chava]

Nothing worked in the past. I don't have "down cycles" that make sense to me or that I know how to get out of. The only times I felt this way I ended up hospitalized for one reason or another. I need new tools. I've been trying everything (exercise, meditation, music, trying to reach out more). I don't know if this is the same or if this is some undesirable product of therapy, or that I really can't change a lot of things. I'm beyond my limit asking for help and/or support (do I even know what the difference is? No). It's more scary than watching myself bleed.

Canceled my appointment because asking for support is too scary and I hurt too much. Do I wish I could get inside of my head and tweak something so I'd be less of an idiot? Yes. But it feels like I'm trying to not be destroyed. So, I'm doing something primal and I will keep existing and maybe pull pieces together another day.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I was hoping to send this in a private message because it's so long, so sorry in advance for the length. I am sorry that you are so sad and feeling so much despair. You must be at your wit's end because you have been in this low for days.

How long ago did you start therapy? I always hate hearing this, but many people have told me that "it will get worse before it gets better" in regards to dealing with my traumas. The only thing it does do is validate why I am feeling so miserable in those times. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't help.

I know I've responded and asked you questions on other threads, forgive me if I repeat myself or ask something again. I try to keep things straight, but my mind is a mess sometimes. Do you have the option of finding another therapist? It sounds like you are doubting your therapist's support and that isn't a good thing. I always jump to the "maybe you should find a new therapist", but realize that that is not easy. I guess trying to talk to your therapist about how you worry she thinks you are an idiot or that she isn't really there for you, might be an option as well.

Do you like routines? Does that kind of busyness help? If so, perhaps you could make a little schedule- for this time I am going to paint, then I am going to watch a movie and eat popcorn, then I will go outside and look at my flowers or walk once around the house, etc. Nothing too taxing (though I can see from your posts you might thing anything is taxing). Maybe try to include activities that you don't normally do, but that don't require too much effort. I spent some time last fall just watching comedies that other people recommended. I barely found any of them funny, but it got my mind occupied at least.

I don't know if any of this helps, but most importantly I really wanted you to know that you aren't alone and you can find support.

 

[Chava]

thanks @JEKBreatheandBelieve . I won't start the therapy thing over. It's too exhausting and most therapists make me feel worse...they point out my talents and stuff, assuming that should make me feel better about myself. It doesn't. I've worked my whole life realizing recognition doesn't replace feeling like I'm just worth having someone care about me because I'm a person. Okay, that's all sort of another issue. I think I probably have a pretty good therapist, but probably the more helpful my therapist is, the worse because ultimately I can't handle working on my sh#t. I've worked with current therapist for a couple years. I feel like she's pushing me to move forward, even though she probably isn't. I'm just tired and sort of wish I didn't have any awareness of myself and could go back to my bubble where my violin was my best friend and that seemed good enough. But my body won't let me.

Other people have relationships that help them sustain themselves. I'm too afraid to even bother to try anymore and feel like this is so deep I can't ever really participate fully in this life. Like I half died when I was a little kid and can't pull out of it into full life, even with my best attempts. So all of my trying seems embarrassing and stupid, like i'm an imposter. And reaching out for help or connection to others is like trying to reach over a cliff and hope I won't be destroyed.

I will eat some almonds. And I'm trying to busy myself reading a book about "breathing"...catering to my inner nerd and tiny will to simply survive. If I could get back to non-exhausting distractions, that would at least be helpful. And try to forget the meaningless part. Okay, so almonds and breathing.

Thank you. It helps a bit to just feel like i'm not crying into a black hole. Like I exist still.

 

[Leah123]

I find the best thing in these cases is to stop trying to communicate or not communicate with the therapist, but to give them what they really need to help you, which would mean printing out this thread and sharing.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

they point out my talents and stuff, assuming that should make me feel better about myself. It doesn't. I've worked my whole life realizing recognition doesn't replace feeling like I'm just worth having someone care about me because I'm a person.

I totally understand that. I do have connections with people, but I still don't trust them completely. And when my therapist started pointing out my good qualities in the beginning and telling me I am a good person, I tuned her out and made sure she knew that it was not helping me (luckily (?), I have an angry part that can tell her that for me).

 

[Springer80]

I think I'm done running away from it, which might be good

I think this is the hardest place to be in some ways. I also burned my body out with overly attacking my condition for a long time. Doing the high achieving, this will not affect me thing. That was three years ago.

I also realised that the distractions and substitutions were no longer an option. I'd been removing them as part of my kick-ass defiance stage. Then all of a sudden all my super-energy goes and what am I left with. A traumatised child is what.

It's been very very very hard.

Stopping running and then turning to face that pain are two separate things. Building yourself up again is another and it is slow. And extremely tricky doing it on your own.

I don't really have any magic phrases to say apart from the fact that I know what this feels like and sometimes I wonder what the hell all those years of working and pushing etc were for.

 

[Bookoffee]

Other people have relationships that help them sustain themselves. I'm too afraid to even bother to try anymore and feel like this is so deep I can't ever really participate fully in this life. Like I half died when I was a little kid and can't pull out of it into full life, even with my best attempts. So all of my trying seems embarrassing and stupid, like i'm an imposter. And reaching out for help or connection to others is like trying to reach over a cliff and hope I won't be destroyed

You speak to me once again. My wife and I had an agurment over trust. even though we have been married for the past year, I never truly trust her. This is what I truly felt at that moment.

 

[Springer80]

fake it till you make it.

think what your saying, is that faking ti till you make it is what you did that burned your body out. Addictions (exercise/food/booze) is what you did to compensate that effort.

It is not in my nature to rely heavily on others.

Also relying on others. ie. being emotionally honest and having someone care for the genuine you, is what your aiming for. So putting yourself into activities like you used to is not what you need to do again.

realizing how stupid all our years of defenses were and how meaningless they were?

I know some people have disagreed with this. In a certain way they were right, all those defences propelled you. It's not like you chose them, they chose you. So although they did serve a purpose, they were meaningless to you. I understand that, I have felt the same thing and it's a crushing feeling because you feel responsible for your own fraud. Of course it's not that simple. It's not your fault but it doesn't change the stabbing pain of it.

 

[Bookoffee]

fake it till you make it.Click to expand...think what your saying, is that faking ti till you make it is what you did that burned your body out. Addictions (exercise/food/booze) is what you did to compensate that effort.

It was said to me the other day and I let myself go into the mind mode. I had to do something in that moment to bring me back to the present. It was those words I heard in the moment that got me out of a curled up panic attacks feeling like I was being being beaten and so much trauma.

Everyone has always said that to me and my reaction is to dig their eyes out. But it was those words the other day that brought me back.