Thanks so much for your post. I needed to be reminded that there are others in the same place, right now, more than you know. I haven't read any of your previous posts, as I haven't been very active on the board...so I have to ask...is this a reocurring problem....something you've had to deal with before? If you begin to feel as though you're in real danger of harming yourself, please call someone immediately. Even 911 if you have to.
What's always helped me is self-talk. At one point, early on, I would have scoffed at any one who'd tried to tell me that controlling what I allow my brain to tell me, by consciously forcing myself to think the right thoughts, could make a difference. But it does. The most important thing for me has always been to remind myself very emphatically that, at times, my thinker is broken. It's a telescope with a cracked lens. I can't trust the view it presents to me, at all.
And I've been right there where you are. I happen to be there right now, in fact....when it's been like this for so long...it seems perfectly logical to conclude that it will never improve. When you're exhausted and broken down from the stress of faking it...it looks impossible to imagine being able to go on doing it forever.
But that's just what my broken telescope is reflecting. I have to remind myself of the many stories I've read about those who've searched for relief from trauma-related symptoms for decades, without even receiving the right diagnosis...before they finally found the right specialist, and the right therapy and treatment...only to have their lives change overnight. I have to remind myself of the fact that more progress is being made currently in the field of trauma treatment and recovery than perhaps any other field in mental health, today...and that new treatments, and success stories resulting from them...are becoming more and more common. I have to remind myself that there are others who've suffered through much worse even than I have...but who are still pushing forward, step by step. And I have to remind myself, most of all...that just because I feel the way I do now, doesn't mean that's the way I'll feel tomorrow, or the next day--that This Too Shall Pass. And I have to remind myself that, when I'm in this place...I can't trust my thoughts and perception of it-any more than an exhausted runner can think clearly at the end of a race, etc.
And that's been extremely helpful to me...realizing that it IS a physical, physiological issue-a history of trauma literally changes the brain, physically...making it much more sensitive to stress hormones, for example...and when those stress hormones reach a threshold...a person might as well have taken a drug. If someone had put a hallucinogenic, for example, in your drink...and you were able to realize that that was responsible for your hallucinations...then they wouldn't be nearly as frightening, would they? Instead of saying to yourself..."Oh no..I'm being attacked by dragons!?...you'd just tell yourself..."OK...none of this is real. It's just the effect of a chemical on my brain. If I just remember that, and stay calm, it will pass, eventually. I just have to ride it out."
So knowing exactly the place you're in...and being there myself, as I have more times than I can remember...I hope you'll consider trying to take my word for it...at least right now...while those dragons seem to be attacking from every which way. This too shall pass...it's not your fault, you have "trauma brain" (as I call it)...and during these times, it can't be trusted to tell you the truth.
Physical activity always helps me get my mind off of it, at least somewhat. Usually something repetitive, but that keeps me moving, and gives me a sense of accomplishment...so I usually start cleaning. And put some upbeat, inspiring music on...and/or a comedy on the t.v., in the back ground. Or inspirational reading is good, too.
There's an old story about a white dog and black dog, fighting...I've copied it here:
Chapter 2
Feed The Spirit
There is a story about an Eskimo fisherman. He had two dogs; one white and one
black dog. This Eskimo fisherman taught his dogs to fight on command. Every
weekend he went to the big city where
the dogs would fight. The people would gather
and put bets on the dogs. Some of the people would win but the one who always won
was the fisherman. Sometimes the white dog would win and other times the black
dog would win. However, after a while the fisherman didn’t come to town anymore.
One of his friends visited him after a while and asked him how he did it that one week
one dog would win and the other week the other. ‘It’s very easy’ said the fisherman
‘One week I would feed the one dog and starve the other dog. The one who I feed
always wins"
I've had to create a daily regimen of feeding the white dog. Meditation period, inspirational reading period...consciously preparing healthy food, and complete meals...as a way of showing value of myself. Until I began committing to a lifestyle of such "white dog feeding"...my white dog didn't stand a chance. Lost every time. Now, that's not the case very often anymore. It's still a dogfight, regularly...but even when the blackness seems all enveloping...I can remind myself that whitey's built up a pretty good record, over time. So I know we'll get him the next time. Be well, and know there are people who care, and please contact someone if you feel the overwhelming urge to harm yourself. And feel free to PM me at any time.
