The Dam Broke Yesterday

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so I am still in a bit of shock about yesterday's session. We talked about the weekend and especially about the trigger-filled Friday. She was very proud of me for making myself go to the movies Monday night with my dog trainer/friend, even though I had some pretty intense anxiety.

She said I was probably more on edge because we started EMDR this past Thursday on an older trauma that happened/started when I was 11 or 12. We went for 2 hours straight but were still only able to get the feelings of the trauma down to a 6. She helped me see the coping skills I did use this weekend and said that I was getting stronger in using them. She always tells me I am stronger and doing better than I think I am.

So we started the EMDR back up yesterday. We were almost half way through and the dam began breaking. It's actually kind of funny now, I told her it was about to break, I could feel the pressure of it. She really encouraged me and despite me trying to hold it back, the tears started coming. She got up and called the front desk and told them to ask her next client to wait for a little while. She had an hour open after that client, so she just post-poned her for 30 minutes. I cannot say how blessed I am to have her as my T. I was freaking out thinking I was going to have to leave like that, but she promised again as she has many times not to let me leave if she didn't think I was okay.

I cried and sobbed for a good 20-30 minutes. I mean to the point I was shaking and literally fighting back what felt like wailing rising up. She guided me through it, kept reminding me to breathe into the feelings and to move my legs so I didn't tense up. We then did several meditations including the container exercise and also a color stream meditation. She told me again how proud she was of me and that I was already becoming a different person from the girl who walked into her office back in April. She then asked me to sit out on the porch in my favorite chair (I always wait outside for her instead of sitting in office) and just soak in what happened and be gentle with myself. She said if I felt safe and okay I could leave, but if not she would check on me after her next client and she did. I then went and cleaned out my car and just did some idle tasks.

Overall I think it was a huge step, I have never allowed myself to feel those feelings before. I originally didn't have another appointment this week, but she scheduled me in for tomorrow. We still haven't finished with this target. She wants me to find a safe place where I can go and just allow myself to feel the emotions come up. I cannot do this at home. I am thinking maybe going on a trail walk or something, but she said to wait until after we finish this target. Even though EMDR helps with the physical reactions of the trauma, she said there is still a lot to grieve over.

I almost erased this twice. I know I've posted a lot lately and I'm sorry for that.. but I guess I needed to share.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have tears in my eyes reading your post. This line in particular got to me:

She told me again how proud she was of me and that I was already becoming a different person from the girl who walked into her office back in April.

I am so proud of you for taking these hard steps. And I am happy that you have a wonderful therapist and are making progress.

 

[Jane.l]

It is a huge step - and thank you for posting it - I feel you are where I am heading but I keep trying to avoid and detour and do anything other than 'feel ' - I know I have this massive wall of emotion inside but I am too scared to let any of it come to the surface right now - it takes so much to control it - hope I will get to the point where I can be as brave as you are , pretty sure it's the only way to get past all this crap .

 

[KwanYingirl]

I feel the same way @Jane.l I don't have much courage but I want to make progress.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thanks everyone for the support. @Jane.l It has taken a good solid 4 and a half months with this T a lot working on coping skills and 2 years of prior therapy before that. I think what has made it finally possible is that my T is extremely intuitive to what I am feeling. It's like she can tell emotions are coming up before I even say it and she gently guides me through it. Often times I feel it and its like an immediate wall shoots up, but she is honestly stopping the wall from going up before it happens. I swear sometimes it seems like she can read my mind.

It is extremely scary at first, but what my T keeps reminding me is that the anxiety is worse than the feeling. And once a dam breaks, the water flows where it needs to flow and settles. She said feelings are like that, they run their course and then settle. But if we block them and repress them, they just continue to build, creating the anxiety.

I do have to say I feel a tad lighter today. I encourage both of you, @Jane.l and @KwanYingirl to keep building trust with your Ts and learning to slow down the wall from shooting up. I have a long way to go, but I feel I am finally on the right track.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Often times I feel it and its like an immediate wall shoots up,

I spent my first few months in therapy either in silence of avoiding hard topics because of that wall, too. My therapist has been sending me similar messages- blocking the emotions just lets them keep building and making it worse. I am trying to believe that and I think that's why your post brought tears to my eyes.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve :hug: Just be gentle with yourself. My hardest part is I would be quick to judge the feeling/myself. I hope you can slowly begin to trust your T that he/she is right. Growing up, tears and feelings were "illegal" for me to feel and experience. Not without my mom making them all about her. It definitely takes actively counteracting those negative thoughts and learning to believe what is true. My T tells me things and tells me to write them down and repeat them to myself a 100 x a day if needed to make me believe them.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Growing up, tears and feelings were "illegal" for me to feel and experience.

I can relate to that. I learned early on that some feelings are not safe to experience.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FindingMyself88 I like what you said about feelings flowing and finally settling. I am so afraid to feel anything because I don't have any faith in my ability to control the negative ones. This is an example of why I can't get EMDR because I have too much anxiety. I am doing much better, though because I haven't cut or overused my meds for a long time. Yesterday I really craved cutting but somehow I got over it. Progress not perfection.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@KwanYingirl good for you for not self harming! I know how that is (you know, you've seen my posts!). I was afraid of them being uncontrollable. This is why for now my T said only in places I feel really safe and only with her until we finish EMDR if I can help it. This is so she can monitor my reactions and make sure I don't go down a negative thought line..