Neglect

[Justmehere]

I'm beginning to process how neglect has affected me and sort through symptoms I have related to it.

It's harder for me than processing violent physical or sexual abuse. My therapist thinks I have been most wounded by acts of neglect as a child and bystanders/authority figures who stayed silent to abuse/wrong doing/criminal acts against me that they saw as an adult.

I'm NOT saying neglect is more or less bad than other trauma. Trauma is trauma. My therapist simply thinks neglect affected me more over the long haul. I'm extremely apprehensive to deal with it all, which may mean she is right.

I feel so avoidant about it, and so alone in it. So I though I'd ask how it affected others. And how you all deal with it now - what are unhealthy ways you struggle with it and what are healthy ways you struggle with it?

I can't even describe here how I was neglected as a kid or how authority figures stayed silent as an adult. My therapist knows.

As an adult, I get numb or feel a terrified rage inside when I remember it. It's how I felt as a kid too. It is what haunts me most in my nightmares and leads me to wake up screaming as an adult.

My unhealthy ways of dealing with it are avoiding what I feel, disordered eating, compulsive fixing/caretaking or counterphobic behavior.

I don't really have healthy ways of handling it yet - other than grounding, mindfulness, starting to talk about it. I'm known as a very good self-advocate. I speak up for myself with varying degrees of success. It's like a refusal to ever neglect my own self. It's not always healthy, but it is better than always being silent as an adult. I guess.

It is a confusing subject that makes me feel so crappy and alone! I hate PTSD. (Sorry, my inner whiney kid is irked.)

Can anyone relate to any part of this? How do you deal with it all?

 

[RussH]

I agree. I think the thing that finally caused me to break was the neglect of my teachers, specifically one teachers, failure to intervene and stop the abuse that was happening to me. And this was even after I went to him with something that had just happened in his class.
His answer, with distain on his face," what do you want me to do about it?" still hurts almost 40 years later.

 

[Janne]

Not being a sufferer I think that it must be very painful to realize that whom you expected to protect you ignored you or even rejected you.
How one can deal with that I don't know but accepting that "they" feared so much that they wouldn't be able to protect you might be a way to approach it. Something must have stopped them other than ignorance??

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

I am sorry JustMeHere. It's very sad, but glad you're facing it in therapy. I can't begin to imagine how painful it must be.

It's exactly what my now ex-husband endured as a child. His mom neglected him and left him with his abusive uncle and I now believe the worst pain is that his mom wasn't there for him and he was deemed a pervert and not aloud to play with his cousins.... when he tried to speak up. Being on this forum has helped me understand his pain.

He is dealing with it through workaholism, and he had to leave.

Sending you healing cyber hugs and hoping you find peace, as I wish for G (my Ex).

 

[scout86]

I can relate to pretty much all of it. Not quite sure how I "cope" with it......

A good friend told me years ago that he thought I'd felt "abandoned" when I was little and had taken some kind of secret vow that no one else was ever going to feel that way while I was around. Something like that. So, as he put it, I have "a thing for orphans". Unwanted animals, toys, people, you name it. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Also, I guess, a determination not to "need" anyone, ever. Because they aren't going to be there anyway and it doesn't hurt if it doesn't matter.

Good question! I need to think about it some more. :)

 

[Justmehere]

His answer, with distain on his face," what do you want me to do about it?" still hurts almost 40 years later.

Ouch. So awful! :(

It's exactly what my now ex-husband endured as a child. His mom neglected him and left him with his abusive uncle and I now believe the worst pain is that his mom wasn't there for him and he was deemed a pervert and not aloud to play with his cousins.... when he tried to speak up. Being on this forum has helped me understand his pain.

Wow, that's tough what he went through. I'm thankful for people like you that seek to understand more.

Something must have stopped them other than ignorance??

This is an interesting question that I struggle with. I will share with you all what my therapist’s “working theory” is about that.

My therapist says that when a group of people are stressed, such as a dysfunctional family, that people tend to fall into one of 4 roles (sometimes there are a few other roles in addition to these 4, but these 4 are the most core/common roles):
- victim (sometimes also the scapegoat)
- perpetrator
- caretaker (sometimes also the "savior")
- observer/distancer

She says that even if you have 4 pretty good people in a room, and you introduce a severe stress, people will lean into these roles a little bit. She says one person will be hurt the most and sometimes will also be the person who acts out the most (the victim who can also become the scapegoat), someone will be drawn to immediately help and fix, someone will be drawn to deny that there is even a problem (observer/distancer), and then the perp. She said that in grad school and when she teaches trauma to therapists, they do an exercise where they have someone come into the room and they act out being the perp. They tell the trauma therapy students before the class that one person will come in at some point and role play introducing a stress into the calls, and no one will really get hurt, but everyone should just do what they would do if the event was real. Usually they have someone run in and say "I broke my arm!" She said that invariably someone will immediately jump into splinting that person's arm as the caretaker and other people will act out the other roles. She says every single time someone will say, "wait, what? what's going on?" They will be the last person to really key into the fact that there is a victim and they won't do anything about it. It's just a role playing psycho-drama exercise, but she says it still pushes people into those roles.

She says that observers/distancers are the people who have the least capacity to deal with stress. It sort of makes sense. The times I have been initially silent about a stressor or traumatic event, or when I have had the most denial, it's the events and trauma I can least handle - the trauma that most stresses me out.

So her theory is that bystanders are the observer/distancer – and the people who have the least capacity to deal with stress, for whatever reason. “Or they are sadistic psychopaths, but that’s only like 3% of the general population and they usually are not the distancers but the perps.”

She is clear their lack of ability to handle stress it never excuses them of responsibility to act or at least find someone who can help.

My therapist's clinic and team (including her) teaching graduate and continuing ed courses on this model at universities in the US and abroad, and teach therpists how to incorporate it into therapy and healing. I'd post the links to videos on youtube that they have published about this model, but then people would probably know who my T is. :/ I'm not sure what I think about it all.

 

[Justmehere]

A good friend told me years ago that he thought I'd felt "abandoned" when I was little and had taken some kind of secret vow that no one else was ever going to feel that way while I was around. Something like that. So, as he put it, I have "a thing for orphans". Unwanted animals, toys, people, you name it. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Aw, it seems like he tried to resolve the stress by becoming the caretaker of all things who are "orphaned" - maybe to solve his own pain, maybe to avoid his own pain, maybe as a good outlet for his pain... I have a friend who told me that after seeing people be silent to abuse I endured as an adult, that she has vowed to never be silent herself to anyone else getting abused by authority figures. It’s hard – I don’t know either if it is good or bad.

Also, I guess, a determination not to "need" anyone, ever. Because they aren't going to be there anyway and it doesn't hurt if it doesn't matter.

I really avoid needing people really strongly too! My therapist told me today that I have finally let myself need her and started to be ok with it – and she was really proud of me for that. I told her I wanted to run out of the room when she said that! Which made us both giggle about how hard it is for me to need anyone. It's so hard for me to break through that.

 

[RussH]

I know myself, if I see someone else being abused I will not remain silent. My problem is when I am the one being abused I do remain silent.

 

[Justmehere]

Yeah, I have actually been the one to step in to prevent a parent from hitting their child again at a park. I happened to know the guy, but only as an acquaintance. I hesitated, until I was sure what was happening and then called 911. He went after his son again, and I just couldn't stand by like the other people at the park.

I was babysitting a friend's kid at the park, and he who knew the kid who was being abused. I saw the pain in his eyes. I told the kid I was babysitting to go run to a nearby tree and sit with another woman until I or the police came. I walked back. With 911 on the phone, I walked up and said "Hey, tough day?" The perp looked at me, I didn't know if he would kill me or not. I said to the perp, "Being a parent is tough. If you need a break, I'd be glad to watch your son for a bit."

I was shaking so bad, but I couldn't imagine just walking away.

By the grace of God, he didn't come after me. He paused long enough to stop, and started talking to me. The 911 operator heard it all as I took both the kids away over to an ice cream shop while we waited for help. Through the legal system, they took his son away, the father got help, and eventually got his son back. They are both are actually thankful for what I did.

It scared the crap out of me. I thought he might kill me if I spoke up. To me, that was a better option than being silent, or even just watching. I'm not saying that what I did was smart - the police were on their way. But there was no way I could walk away.

I don't understand how people can walk away and do nothing.

Even in smaller things, I am the first to speak up - to the point I have been called a whistleblower, a "quiet rebel rouser," and even a "snitch." I don't intend to be any of those things! I just can't be silent to abuse. It's weird.

 

[Justmehere]

Ack! Sorry I am rambling so much. I guess I do have a lot to process and think about in regards to this topic...

 

[RussH]

Ouch. So awful!

@Justmehere I actually think I had repressed this memory for a long time. I sort of remembered it and didn't until I was triggered this past October. I relived all the emotion of when I became broken. It was horrible to re experience all that pain, and then in the midst of the flashback I remembered this teacher's response for my asking for help, and my world came crashing down again. I realized that part of my PTSD is directly attributable to this teacher's neglect. It was horrible.
I am truly afraid that I if I am ever triggered like that again, I will not recover from it.

 

[RussH]

Ack! Sorry I am rambling so much

If rambling on is helping you process things, then ramble on.