Neglect

[ghotiff]

Through threads here I learnt to call the people who knew but did nothing "betrayers" this name shif from bystanders to betrayers has helped me put the blame on them (where it should be ).

In my case everyone betrayed me (I think) because they didn't think it was that bad (hence my other big issue of invalidation).

The squeaky wheel gets the oil. While I reached out many many times I did it in a factual way not a dramatic way.

I will watch this thread with great interest.

 

[Dana1010]

I haven't begun to deal with the neglect of my childhood and I don't really know when or how that's going to occur. I think neglect has such a subtle and insidious way of weaving itself into who we are and how we see the world, it's hard to see it as a real thing and not just the way the world is. I think if you have pretty good caretakers and then some bad things happen, it's like, "Okay, it's a pretty good world with some evil people in it." If you have uninterested, selfish zombies who don't care about you, and bad things happen in that context, it's more just, "The world is evil. Period."

I have spent countless hours of my life trying to figure out what was going through my parents' heads. There are so many questions. Why do people who don't want kids have kids? Did they go literally insane from all the drugs they took? Did they just decide not to care about us for some reason, and what was the reason? Do people like that just hate themselves and think anything that came from them must be crap too?

I know that's not how parents should be; we all know it. But I think on some level we still believe we weren't meant for good parents, they went to other people who were special or somehow more deserving. It's that idea that we got what we deserved that's in our bones. I guess loosening and dislodging that might be where healing from neglect begins.

 

[MaybeOneDay]

I know myself, if I see someone else being abused I will not remain silent. My problem is when I am the one being abused I do remain silent.

I have to say Russ, many survivors I have spoken to that help or stand up for others have said the exact same thing u did. I also have that problem.

Funny to me, until I started flashing and getting advice/help from others... I really felt I was the only one who stayed silent.

I guess I am glad so many others have a similar struggles. Thanks for sharing

 

[MaybeOneDay]

I know that's not how parents should be; we all know it. But I think on some level we still believe we weren't meant for good parents, they went to other people who were special or somehow more deserving. It's that idea that we got what we deserved that's in our bones. I guess loosening and dislodging that might be where healing from neglect begins.

This struck me as the insidious part of abuse. I am not sure if from neglect, abandonment, physical/sexual abuse from caretakers or the diagnosis of PTSD. I guess what I am trying to say... So many books I have read and T's I have worked with have disagreed on what causes one to feel they "got what they deserved". I still feel unworthy of help, guilty to share my problems with others, always making sure I am "there" for others. Does anyone feel we will change the core of us that feels we somehow deserve this treatment and value ourselves as much as we build others up?? I am not going to proof this post.

I am not sure what I wrote makes sense. But if it does resonate with someone... Could you reply back??

 

[scout86]

I know what you mean, I think.

Apparently my therapist thinks it's possible to change that inner core way of thinking about things. He seems like a smart guy, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and playing along.

 

[MaybeOneDay]

Lol tho I caught the playing along part. But seriously if it starts working please share. Cuz I am too skeptical or scared to get my hopes up. Ty for replying scout86

 

[Justmehere]

I still feel unworthy of help, guilty to share my problems with others, always making sure I am "there" for others. Does anyone feel we will change the core of us that feels we somehow deserve this treatment and value ourselves as much as we build others up??

This is an essential question about recovery. I mean, I will always be me. The core of me is changing, a little. My therapist says too that it will keep changing over time. I don't quite believe her, but I also never really believed I would even get this far. It is a good question, one I wish I had the answer to myself. I am beginning to have times though where I actually do feel like it's ok to need people, and even deserve to be protected and helped.

 

[Dana1010]

Does anyone feel we will change the core of us that feels we somehow deserve this treatment and value ourselves as much as we build others up?

I think dating someone who really honestly thinks the world of you can be very validating and help you feel like you really do deserve love. Unfortunately you can't wish this person into existence and I'm in no condition to get out there on the singles scene - the thought alone is terrifying.

 

[MaybeOneDay]

At dana1010. For a second there I was reading to fast or wishful thinking... But I almost thought u were going to say you were going to be my wish. My attempt at a giving u a smile

But seriously I think u r onto something. But ya they r not going to come knocking on my door. So I agree with ya. Going out right now feels pretty daunting.

Ty for reply

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

There is an interesting article called "Do you love to be needed or need to be loved?"

Not sure if you'll relate or find it helpful.

I know it describes G to a T.

You're all wonderful people who deserve loads of unconditional love.