My Wife Triggers My Ptsd

[tumbleweed]

I am an ex police officer and was only diagnosed with my chronic PTSD about 5 years ago which is roughly 9 years after I had already left the police.

Five years ago my wife had gone to visit her family overseas for a prolonged 6 week holiday and due to work and financial commitments my son who had just turned 8 and I couldn't go with. She had only been gone a week and it was around the time of my sons birthday so we threw him 2 parties one with his friends while his mom was away. I had always had the symptoms of PTSD and had been sort of repressing them for years. Except for the panic attacks which got so bad I ended up in the ER thinking I was dying of a heart attack.

Just on that day when my son was having his friends over I had a total break down I was overcome with every possible emotion, I actually locked myself in my bedroom and just broke down into tears. My sister who was there for the party found me in the bedroom I had my gun in my hand and was thinking of a good reason not to shoot myself. The best I could come up with was from a time when I had attended a fatal suicide by gunshot and remember turning off the lights in the downstairs of the house and using kitchen towels to cover the blood and mess on the carpet. There was the victims young son and wife in the house when he shot himself in front of the wife. So I covered the mess as best I could and carried the little boy who was about 5 years old downstairs. When I picked him up I put his head into my shoulder and held it there with my hand behind his head so he wouldn't see anything on the way out of the house.

I didn't want my son to have to see that and that is the only thing that stopped me that day, my sister got hold of my wife overseas soon after to tell her what happened. She didn't understand what had just happened but she didn't come home and I thought this was such a betrayal but I didn't know my family had already talked to her and told her it was best to just stay there.

My family made me go to a clinical psychologist for therapy within 2 days of the incident and got my GP to put me on tranquillizers. Those 2 days before the therapy I was taking the pills like they were sweets I was out of it and for the first time I could finally just be blissfully numb.

6 weeks of intense therapy put me on the road to coping and when my wife got home I was so relieved as it was my fear of something happening to her that actually triggered the PTSD into something uncontrollable. In that time I was still talking to her on the phone telling her that I would never see her again as she would either be killed in a crash or fall victim to some terrible violent crime. which made it even worse was every flash back of every scene I had attended in the police I could see my wife's dead body and face in place of the victims as if it was real.

I also accused her of wanting to abandon me so she could have an affair while away I was beyond paranoid everything was affecting me. Just to add I love my wife dearly and she has never given me any reason ever to doubt her. I still cringe with disgust in myself for putting her thorough those accusations as it those words can never be taken back but I think she has forgiven me for them.

For the last 5 years I have made remarkable improvements in my handling of my PTSD and you would think that this is going to be a happy ending. However 4 weeks ago my wife left to visit her family again under the same circumstances and I had a relapse and was almost back to the beginning I have become over protective and worrying about her safety constantly to the point that I cant even function at work properly.

This time there are no suicidal thoughts and I used all my coping tools and it is not as bad as this time and having my wife understand the situation and better prepared to deal with it we are managing and she will be home in 7 days which is my goal to make another 7 days.

I don't think I will ever be free of my PTSD ,I dont think even with the best intentions a non suffer like my wife will truly understand just how real the nightmare that plays inside my head really is. I am just thankful I have such a wonderful understanding wife who at times I think I dont deserve to have.

I know I shouldn't but I can't help feeling weak and a disappointment to her, I was a policeman and the man of the house I was supposed to be the strong one and for me this is one of the worst emotions that I have let my family down by being like this.

 

[Underdog]

I'm glad to hear you are handling this round better than before! That is a good improvement!

Yeah, I feel like I am a disappointment too. I've always been the one to stand strong and give comfort and protection to those who need it. I still do, but once everyone is out of sight and I no longer have to mask what is going on I crumble.

 

[scout86]

I've found that it helps me a lot if I can recognize that

the nightmare that plays inside my head

is "the PTSD talking". It's not "reality" it's just my own perception of reality, at the time. I can change how I see things. (Not always easily, granted!)

Don't beat yourself up! You love your family and they love you and that matters more than anything else. If they didn't want you around, they'd let you know directly and unmistakably. Meanwhile, trust that they love you just the way you are.

 

[Friday]

I was diagnosed in the Marine Corps back when that meant "send out more" not "bring home fast". For me, at the time, that was a blessing (also exactly what I wanted). Action kills fear. As long as I was doing something, anything, I was okay. I was getting a little crazier each time I came back, but I never made that link. It just told me that I needed to be out more. Not stop. Not slow down. And when I got out, I went into a similar job.

For me, my PTSD swirls around the things I didn't do, or can't do.

I had a few really chaotic years when I quit that kind of work (on accident, I never meant to quit)... where I learned how to at least fake normal, if not be normal. And then I was good for 10 years.

Then? Just like you, my family was at risk. My family. And I effing lost it. Over my son, not spouse, but same difference. Someone I love in danger and I can't protect them. Effing. Lost. It. And every single time I couldn't protect someone, every single awful thing from 15 20 years ago slammed into me like a train.

Whoops.

I haven sorted that, yet. Because my job is to protect. That's who I am, that's what I do. Me. When I can't do it? I lose my mind. It's actually worse when I'm choosing not to do it, like there are things I could do (regardless of how stupid, bad idea, etc.) that I am choosing not to. Which is also old stuff (following orders I don't agree with makes my teeth itch, and I really want to bite someone. Failing a target to lash out at, I'll lash out at myself.)

But I know, until I do sort it out, that every time I feel like I cant protect the people I love (or worse am choosing not to), I'm going to get slammed into by a train. Knowing that helps me, maybe not feel less weak or crazy, but at least knowing my reasons. It doesn't come up during other "normal" stuff (like sending to school, or friends, or whatever) because putting my son in a bubble isn't protecting him, it would crippling him. Put him in more danger, not keeping him safe. Don't know if any of that helps you, but what you said really resonated with me. Yep. That's exactly what I would do in that situation. And how I'd feel about it afterwards.

 

[NovemberStar]

Reading your story , it seems abandonment is a big trigger for you - which the root cause is almost always linked back to something occurring in childhood where you felt emotionally abandoned in a time of deep need. While this in itself cannot 'cause' PTSD, it can be felt as incredibly traumatizing to a young chill for whole your very survival depends on (emotionally as well).

Guess what I am saying is - it might very well NOT be your wife that is triggering it - it is a trigger, but she sing the cause; that the cause goes a lot further back into your past.

That you have since experienced trauma (in your line of work), makes sense too - if you have had something traumatic happen to you in life, the chances of experiencing PTSD (or lapsing back into it) when something else traumatic happens is pretty high.

In my case - childhood trauma caused PTSD. I recovered, from that, reached a point of peace and calm in my life, no symptoms of PTSD for years and years and years. Then another big trauma - series of powerful earthquakes to hit my city (one killed nearly 200 people), and wham - the PTSD form childhood trauma was re-triggreed and I've been living with it since (3 and a half years and counting).

 

[Underdog]

@NovemberStar WOW!!!! For me, you hit on the exact issue I am dealing with apparently. The connection was made due to my T, but that really just brought it home for me!