Dealing With Two Faced People

[Tanishq]

I really have problems while confronting people who have two faced personality. It gives me hell to understand the situation and work out for best solution. Their chameleon like personality annoys me very much.

What are the best ways to deal with them?

 

[Loloma]

@Tanishq I try to avoid people like this if at all possible. These types of people can really do your head in :confused:.

My first husband was like that and still is. My children and I have nothing more to do with him. I would suggest you keep away from them as much as possible.

 

[risingsun]

What are the best ways to deal with them?

Avoid them at all cost. I call that the two faced personality or the "double-minded man." The double minded man is unstable in all his/her ways. Honestly, people like that, for which I have had many experiences with, only care to gossip and be accepted in social circles where they can find other similar people who gossip. Lets call them "porch people" for the sake of analogy. They are like those people "out on their porches" gossiping about their neighbors and engaging in this two-faced behavior for the sake of a twisted kind of fun. Porch people like to surround themselves with other porch people. Of course they don't necessarily have to be on their porches. Its just an analogy.

I had a situation at my old workplace where I didn't want to engage in gossip and was outed from "the circle" and became the talk of their gossip which always got back to me. They are nice to your face. All smiles. Behind my back, they were the "porch people."

I have no interest in these people. It is a sadistic, twisted kind of behavior that is uncalled for. If you have to deal with them, keep your "inner calm," say as little as possible about "who you are." My problem was that I used to talk a lot about who I was and it gave them something to "work with" on their gossiping porch. The porch people are disturbing. I am sorry you have had to deal with such people. In terms of confronting them, I have done that with poor consequences. It only served to stress me out more and make them worse. Therefore, I have avoided doing that.

However, if confronting them is necessary and the situation warrants it for the sake of righteousness or sanity, then stay calm and know who you are. The porch person hates "the calm confront-er" because they can't argue. If you confront in an argumentative manner, it only invites more anger on their behalf and gives them something to work with, a game to be played for which they are very good at.

So if you have to confront, stay calm and cool and, again, remember who you are. They certainly do not define you. Best Wishes. Warmest to you, Rising Sun.

 

[mamachick]

Dealing with two faced people is a NO WIN situation. If a friend talks about others in a gossiping way, they will talk about you to others. Do not give them what they want. As others have said, withhold personal information, be careful not to comment in any way but neutral because they will distort and gossip about what you have said.

While best to avoid, sometimes they are co-workers or family members that we can't avoid all together. So if you have to communicate, practice not sharing opinions, making any judgements, or anything else that they can use as ammunition. Best to stay very neutral. Confronting them is often useless, as they lie and will triangulate. I agree with others,, may cause you to be put outside the circle, be grateful.

 

[Tanishq]

@Loloma yes some people never change. I am sorry you had to deal with that kind of ex-husband. I am glad you and your kids are avoiding it. It does cause great confusion while dealing with such personalities. Thanks for your opinion. It makes sense to let them go and avoid them at best.

@risingsun wow! you have so many insights. I like the attitude of being calm while confronting such two faced personalities. I do see how it can work and not hurt ourselves. Brilliant! I will install the practice of maintaining calm and remember who I am.

@brat17 Staying very neutral also sounds very good confronting strategy to me. Sometimes there have been situation where I was forced to talk with them and got provoked. Result was I was playing their game and got beaten mentally.

Thanks people, you all have great insights. :)

Sometimes I lose my patience and think why not teach them a lesson. This is wrong thing I am doing here and in the end I am the one who is very hurt. Yes, Right! It's a NO WIN situation.

I will work out this now, I believe more.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Confronting them is often useless, as they lie and will triangulate.

OH Yes...been down this road with a co-worker before. It has been a painful lesson to learn.

practice not sharing opinions, making any judgements, or anything else that they can use as ammunition.

Yep...exactly! Remain on a professional basis at all times. Anything they can use for ammunition they will, and they will twist it and turn it to suit their purpose.

Be Careful. You never know what you will say that will become fuel for them to burn you. Good Luck!

 

[Philippa]

Best to get far far away from them. Had dealings with these kinds of people in the workplace, and it ended up with me getting fired and abused and physically assaulted...and then blamed for it all.

My mother and father are also very two faced like this. I just remember so much of it at school as well. It's like it's a culture of it or something here in Australia. Not sure if that's everywhere though? My father used to tell my cousins and family members all sorts of stuff about me, then act all nice to my face...my mother loved to turn my brothers against me using information about me...and it worked.

I guess also not gossiping yourself is one way of not having anything to do with that sort of person. We are all capable of gossip, but it's best to bite your tongue, and then people start to know you as someone who doesn't talk about others behind their backs...so you gain a reputation for being more trustworthy than the two faced ones.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Learning whom to trust for me takes time. Those habits involving conflicting stories are often simply their coping strategies and quickly discovered. For me it is often a relief to find out upfront so it does not become a major betrayal down the road.

Also, I have found that I can find the good qualities within those 2F people if I look long enough and learn to have better boundaries on what I offer accordingly. I have many faults myself, so when someone really gets my goat, I ask myself what am I plugging into and if they are doing something that I didn't like about myself and changed or need to change.

I learned in therapy (for me) that I became angrier when I expect something from someone based on my needs or set of values that they did not or could not give. Hence, my expectations were unrealistic with/for that person. Took me a long time to get it through my thick head, that to them I appeared as a stickler, uptight and they found their two faced selves as just going with the flow. :cautious:

Vive` la difference!

 

[Tanishq]

@Recovery4Me you have worked a lot. So many insights there! I agree with all of them. Thanks for your opinion. :)

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Tanishq :hug:

You are most kind. Just FYI, I often find valuable lessons within your offers as well and thank you for your tolerance.;)

 

[Tanishq]

@Recovery4Me Thank you and you are very kind as well to share what you learned through your life. Very nice thing to discuss.

You know, there is nothing to tolerate here. It's all good, I like working on insight. It was not a problem to discuss with you here. It's never a problem for me to find a way to deal with things. :hug:

 

[maryiscontrary]

Man, there are some real Gems here. I personally distance myself from anybody who has an agenda or is not upfront, because being an Aspie, I just can't make accurate judgments with people who have agendas. Maybe this might change in the future, but I have been too carte blanche accepting of assclowns, and I am in the take out the trash mode. Hope this helps!