Staff Field Trip

[Recovery4Me]

I have no choice but to go. I've tried everything short of out and out refusing to go

Oops, I guess somehow I was missing your point and thought you wanted to have a choice and a method to say, "No. "
(my bad:O_o:)

The only thing I can come up with is music: put my headphones on and just stay in my own world. Refuse conversation so that I can concentrate on the drive.

In my state one can not wear earphones or text while driving (without getting a ticket and points against your license), so it never occurred to me that other states still allowed that option. :headphone:

Wishing you safe traveling during your journey.:tup:

 

[desiderata310]

@scout86 I'm not sure but I am going to bring it up tomorrow when we pick up the vans. It may be a matter of insurance.

@Recovery4Me I do but I've gone through all of those and realize that professionally I HAVE to go. Being a grown up is really crappy sometimes. I think that if left to my own devices I would never really go anywhere, ever.

OH, dear. I am in a new state and this is a strict one with the texting. They may NOT allow headphones. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

 

[Recovery4Me]

@desiderata310 ... (((hugs))) You could ask the police on a non-emergency number in a time crunch to be safe.

 

[desiderata310]

The next worst thing that could happen just occurred: since we've had people bail on the trip we are all riding in the same van. Now I have to sit directly next to someone. My therapist told me to call in sick. His biggest concern is that I am still wound up from last week and would not do well- AT ALL.
When I argued because I am afraid of saying no he said:
Saying no instead of sucking it up is indicative of health/growth, not evidence of weakness. I mean that.
Think back over your (adult) life and consider how much less trauma to your brain might have occurred if you had said NO rather than sucking it up.

I'm just in tears. I should be stronger than this.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Saying no instead of sucking it up is indicative of health/growth, not evidence of weakness.

That was one of the hardest lessons that I had to learn in therapy being a survivor of childhood abuse & PTSD. I am proud of you for offering that you are considering what your T offered as a possible truth for you.

I'm just in tears. I should be stronger than this.

I dunno but considering a change in thinking seems very strong to me. I hear you offering that you have boundaries at this time that will be healthy for you in this season. You may be able to expand them in due course, but for now...you are taking care of yourself in wisdom. Standing up and saying no, in a pleasant manner is hard to do. Courageous even.
BE the change. :hug: One step at a time.

 

[desiderata310]

'"That was one of the hardest lessons that I had to learn in therapy being a survivor of childhood abuse & PTSD. I am proud of you for offering that you are considering what your T offered as a possible truth for you."

Not sure I would call it a truth for me. But he argued with me and told me he felt this was a bad idea. I can't say I've ever has my therapist speak so strongly or text me repeatedly to get me to agree to do something.

I'm feeling pretty worthless right now. i know I should be able to just knuckle up and go and deal with this. I also know I've been on high alert for almost a week now. I'm exhausted and the thought of this trip makes me ill. I would stay tense the entire trip and being stuck in a seat close to all these people?

He also moved my session up from Wednesday to today. Am I really that bad? I reread the journal entry I sent him (he's started asking to see them) last Friday night. My journal entries are pretty much the real me. Not what I present to the world or even to my therapist in session: Desiderata unfiltered. On rereading it, I would probably have me locked up. I am pretty raw right now. For whatever reason, when shit gets harder, I feel like I have to push through harder. The worse I feel the more I need to knuckle up and push through.

I woke up early this morning (it's not 6 yet) to try to get a run in but my own fear is keeping hiding. I can usually muscle through and get it done anyway but I can't seem to get a grip this morning.

 

[desiderata310]

Aaaaand... my therapist moved my appointment to TOMORROW morning early instead of today because I can't be in the building when the rest of the building is busy because it's too triggering for me.

Wow, just effing wow.
I'm going to hide today.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@desiderata310

Offering support for whatever choice you make. It is often a hard choice to define ourselves by an action unless we sooth the inner critic, to hear the inner child.

Sincere wishes offered that you feel comfortable, in your choice of what is best for you.

 

[Lucycat]

I'm feeling pretty worthless right now. i know I should be able to just knuckle up and go and deal with this. I also know I've been on high alert for almost a week now. I'm exhausted and the thought of this trip makes me ill. I would stay tense the entire trip and being stuck in a seat close to all these people?

2 weeks ago, I started to feel a little unwell, but I struggled on at work. I thought if I can just get through to the weekend. Well, I did - I got to the weekend and then crashed. I was off sick all last week, and today have been signed off again for this week. I really believe that if I had taken time out that first week, said 'no' at work and rested I would not be in this situation.

It is tough for you to go on this trip. It is equally tough to say no. Which will have the better result? I think your T is correct and you should not go. It is not a sign of weakness it is self-preservation. ... and anyhow how come others have been allowed to bail but you can't? That doesn't seem entirely fair. I remember a time when I thought I was indispensible at work too.

 

[desiderata310]

@Lucycat I wound up bailing on the trip. I honestly don't feel like I would contribute anything to the trip but my boss was very insistent that I go (there's even an on campus seminar that I really SHOULD have attended that I suggested I go to and my boss said this was more important). He felt it was an important "team building" event.

Since I am considered upper management I am held to a different standard than the secretary that bailed because she had been out all last week at a conference for instance. We don't play by the same rules. I often have to work 7 days a week and that time is neither compensated nor do I get comp time. It's part of being an unrepresented entity. Don't get me started on my stance on how important unions are. That's another rant for a different day.

So today I am sitting at home, IPad in hand trying to do what I can from here to keep up at work and feeling stupid. I can't go in to work now because I have reported that I am "sick" and I dare not be seen out and about because this is such a small town and work gets around. Heck, the neighbor across from me is buddies with my boss.

Now I can't go to therapy either because my therapist accidentally scheduled me for a time that I wouldn't be able to actually be in his office and not be triggered by all the noise.

I can't sleep because I keep having flashes. I can't relax because I'm just triggered still.
And if it were ANYONE else, I would be totally understanding, encourage them to take the day and relax. Problem? I can't cut myself ANY slack. I just feel sick and in trouble.

 

[Lucycat]

I wound up bailing on the trip

Well done you! That is seriously the better option.

I do get about the rules etc etc. It is not fair, but I appreciate you are not in a position to change that. I too am sitting at home, when I *should* be at work. I find it incredibly difficult to take sick leave ( and nobody else does my job for me while I am off, I am aware of what I will have to face on my return, and that doesn't make it any easier). But it really is the better option. You would be off work for an awful lot longer if you were to go on the trip and then suffer a complete breakdown.

I hope that now you have made the decision, and notified them that you are sick, you will soon start to feel a little better. I tend to feel like I am in trouble for taking time that I NEED. I feel guilty for taking care of myself, but gradually that is changing. It is important that we are kind to ourselves and respect ourselves. My treat for myself tomorrow is to watch a DVD that I bought months ago and has sat on the shelf, with me thinking I don't have time. Tomorrow I I have all the time in the world.