Does He Use His Issues As Excuses ?

[christy_than]

Here I am again , some of you may be familiar with my story.
I thought me and soldier with PTSD have been through this "shut out " section after he came back from Afghan on March.
the worst 3 months ever in my life we mastered perfectly together. end of July he had been sent to UK for promotion course for 4 weeks. We didnt keep in touch that long, he didnt try to contact me and me neither him. (I thought he couldnt use phone while course but some of his mates told me there is one day in a week that you are allowed to use phone)
He didnt congrat me on my Birthday, no text message no phone call nothing.( I was dissapointed but, it wasnt that big deal for me tho )
After 4 weeks course I still hadnt heard something from him, then I called him like 40 times, texted him 10 or something. He replied it the next day telling me that course was extended.

why couldnt he try to tell me about it ?

when he came back from his course, he texted me but he didnt really bother where am I, what am I doing..he didnt want to catch up this 6 weeks. he doesnt really care.

So, here we go,( I was too stupid didnt aware that something is going on with him...). I got a job offer somewhere close his camp and I asked him on Thursday 11.09.2014 to move in together through text message. He said NO, he insisted at 1st why he doesnt want , but then he said he doesnt know whether he wants to be with me anymore, his feeling has faded away last couple weeks. he cant give me the time I want and he is not ready for this kind of comitment (ps he is 37 y o and never moved in togther with any women although he has a house and some ex )
he doesnt want to move in with anyone in foreseeable future. He said its better that we break up, we can still talk and see what happens after my china trainee ( which is 4weeks long )

I felt like the ceiling was falling down over me , it was a big shocked for me.
so I decide to see him on the next day ( I drove 500kms) I told him to see me for the last time cause I dont want break up through text.
On friday he was very nice to me (suprisingly) then he told me his head f*cked again, its combat stress PTSD.
I asked him straightly about our realtionshop he said he doesnt want to talk bout it
so he left me hanging here, I dont know which state I am.
since then I havent heard anything from him and I decided to tell him that I am waiting for him until he is ready for unknown how long, but if at least in a week I hear nothing from him, it means I will move on.( and I meant it )

People arround me keep telling me that he is using his issues as excuse, he sees me only for sex etc.
some tells me that he is a man with comitment phobe. I dont know it confuses me

 

[Ghostybear73]

I'm not sure anyone can answer that with any certainty. However, it does sound like he has some things to work out for himself before he can be committed to any relationship. If you are not willing to step back and let him go, at least stand by your words, if you have no contact, move on.

 

[christy_than]

@Ghostybear73 Thank you for your reply, yes. last time it worked when I threated him that if I hear nothing from him at least once a week, then thats it.
he texted me once or twice a week
but this time I am not sure...
:(

 

[Ronin]

Well, I don't know, he may well have a lot to process or he may not be willing to contact pretty much 'on cue' from a partner, bc had enough things of that nature in his life already & there's separating work & separating relationship? It may really not be anything personal, as much as wanting to keep areas of life separate. He's being fair in saying he's not ready for that kind of commitment. I'd just take his word for that. He could have pulled some excuses about that, and he didn't, he was pretty honest with himself and with you.

And idk how he is with contact in with regards to your safety or supposed safety. I know pretty much for sure at times people I needed to protect, whatever that was, I didn't contact so directly. Yeah at times that was overblown, and my mind playing boogies, but it still was better to err on the side of caution. Worry for life can do funny things to a person.

 

[Justmehere]

Shutting someone out doesn't mean being a jerk. He could have called on your birthday, updated you on his course being extended.

He clearly isn't ready to be in a committed relationship. You can take him at his word for that.

Is he in treatment? If he is going to say PTSD is at fault then it's time for him to get help with it.

If he doesn't contact you in a week, I think it's very reasonable to let him go.

 

[Ronin]

Idk but he could have pretty much forgotten about the birthday though?

Like frankly if one's having issues figuring if they're in immediate danger (and what the f*ck was that noise? and why are the people screaming? oh, yeah, it's just kids playing, they're not being injured or worse) the last thing they may be keeping in mind is birthdays. Hell it's not difficult to forget own birthday, much less anyone else's, as a date.

Just saying I'd not apply all of those usual rules on happy life where life is less than happy. It really may not be being a jerk, or even intentional.

And really, not everyone can, for whatever reason, seek treatment. Acting like it's a magic pill and f*cking even available is fairly ignorant of reality of both mental health options in general & VAs, and controlling.

 

[Justmehere]

If it was just a missed birthday, and he apologized, I wouldn't be so concerned. But everything together, PTSD or not, it's not a nice way to treat a significant other. It's hurtful. I wouldn't stay with someone that made me feel abandoned and hurt so much.

Treatment is no magic pill. Nothing is. Many forms of treatment don't help, and even harm. But even self administered treatment or doing something to work on the PTSD - it shows a commitment to change the thing he blames is at fault. That's all.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well, I can't say for sure, as I don't know him. I know that in my case, my PTSD was a very large factor in my unhappy marriage, and definitely influenced the decision to split ways. I never used it as a straight out excuse (because I didn't know I had it) but I used my Bipolar disorder and DID as excuses for my behaviours and addictions many, many times. Sometimes it was related, and sometimes I was just being a brat (but good luck trying to convince me of that.)

But I would say that you really should just move on in this case. He's certainly not ready for a relationship, and I think he's made that clear in many ways. Won't move in, won't text, etc. Whatever the reason that he's behaving this way, it's clearly hurting you. Sometimes you just have to let somebody go, for both of your sake. It's really hard, but your own sanity and well being have to come first. :hug:

 

[christy_than]

Well, I don't know, he may well have a lot to process or he may not be willing to contact pretty much 'on cue' from a partner, bc had enough things of that nature in his life already & there's separating work & separating relationship?.

before his afghan deployment he was pretty much planing about you know relationship with comitment. Separating relationship? At the moment I feel morelikelyhe has no time for relationship. He sounds always busy work 8 to 22,6 days a week(I know he is lying)

.
Is he in treatment? If he is going to say PTSD is at fault then it's time for him to get help with it.

Yes he said he's been seeing doc once a week at least

 

[christy_than]

@Go Hungry
Thanks for your reply. If move on was so easy to do than say it I'd have done it 3months ago,when he treated me like a shit
;(
I know I am a fool, people told me often enough about that,but I am not ready to give up(yet)?
why? I dont know,it's hard after these years we've been together
but yea,I stand on my word,if he doesnt contact me in a week,I'll move on.he may betrayed me by words but I wont do that to my self

 

[Ronin]

Christy_Than, you aren't a fool. Don't think that wanting to fix a relationship is foolishness. Misplaced hopes, sure, but foolishness? Nah.

Good luck with moving on. Sounds this is gonna be rough for a while, so many lingering issues and unmet expectations and dreams.

 

[christy_than]

@Kaia Thank you so much for your kind words
Much appreciated it