I Feel Like The World Wants Me Dead ...

[Ronin]

You're alive. Of course the world DOESN'T want you dead. Wouldn't put you out there with so many years to live if you weren't cut for it.

One thing a time; do small things that may feel less like dying inside / being meant to die, that make you feel more alive, or somehow at peace with the state of things, with living itself. You'll get in a better spot eventually; less hurting, less often. It takes time. So start slow. You ain't need a drastic change in life turning it upside down, it wouldn't do good and probably would be quite a shock and wouldn't last even if it came. But you can overcome helplessness if you allow yourself to just breathe today, & find life in well, life.

I don't relate to therapist struggles all so much b/c I never trusted any of mine in the first place so completely as to build that bond, but wishing you good luck on that front too. I guess communication may be the key in that; tell them how that leave makes you feel, and establish some way of rebuilding that trust right after the T is back. Let them know for a start. Roll from there. I doubt it's unusual reaction you have, they probably saw it before and dealt with alike situation, if they're not terribly new or terrible at their job.

 

[NovemberStar]

It's taken me a while to be able to come back to this thread. I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts and feeling hopeless. I feel my world is becoming narrower - I feel I have no control over my mind and ability to control my mind in terms of coping with the PTSD. On a better moment, I can only give myself maybe a 90% chance of making it through this and coming out the other side. At my worst, it's about a 90% chance I won't make it through.

I feel really bad because my T tries so hard to help me. She is really good and definitely the best T I've ever worked with. I feel terrible that I just can't seem to make myself get out of the rut I'm in. I see her Friday. I feel really sad. Part of me wants to be very honest and tell her I don't think I will make it through this - I'm not saying I have a definite plan or plan to act to take my life - more that I doubt my ability (and sometimes the desire) to not ever act on those thoughts.

I'm no longer expecting either, the mental health service to 'step in'. I guess it's all part of facing your own mortality, head on. To realise, absolutely, you are completely responsible over whether or not you make the decisions to end it, or not. I guess it feels like standing on the edge of a remote cliff and thinking through the pros and cons and realising it really truly is up to you and you alone.

My biggest dilemma today is whether or not I'm honest with my T on Friday - is it 'fair' to talk to her about this? Is it ok to tell her I really do have doubts as to if I can and will make it through this, despite all she does to help me? A small part of me hopes that if I voice it, it will help me process it and maybe lose it's power - ie, it might help me accept it's awful to feel how I do but it's not completely hopeless. On the other hand - it's a pretty awful thing to hear (I think) - isn't it like a giant slap in her face? Kinda like saying 'you're helping me a lot but it's not enough'? I know in my heart it's not why I would share it with her. I'm just not sure if it's ok to lighten my burden by adding to hers. I know 'it's her job' and all that, but I don't want her to worry about me either - just doesn't seem fair - I worry that by telling her, it's like making it her problem - I guess I know what it is like to feel powerless and I wouldn't want her to feel that way?

Have others been up front with their Ts / Drs about this? That you really don't think you will make it through? Did you regret being honest about it? Or is it better to keep those things to yourself; no point in worrying others? I guess I want to feel less alone with it - and telling my T (a mental health professional) seems better than ever saying anything to a friend (I've wanted to but wouldn't ever tell a friend)?

 

[joeylittle]

I had this exact conversation with my therapist today. I think we have it once every few months. The "I don't believe I'm going to make it" talk.

The first time I brought it up I was so afraid to - it felt so final, like a slap in the face, exactly as you call it - but talking about it did make it lose it's power.

I still have this feeling rise up over time, and then I tell him about it again. My therapist and I also have a good line of communication about suicide, and he trusts me to adhere to our safety contract, so that all makes it easier for me to open up to him about all this stuff and not worry that he's going to call an ambulance.

 

[NovemberStar]

Does it help, talking about it? Does it ever make it feel worse? What if, deep deep down, there is still an expectation within me that she can 'do' something / fix it? I don't feel I have a lot of room for 'feeling worse'.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is it ok to tell her I really do have doubts as to if I can and will make it through this, despite all she does to help me?

I am in this spot now, too, of feeling like I won't make it. I think it is perfectly okay to tell your therapist about your doubts. Because is she really is a good therapist, then she will understand why you our doubting that you will make it through and know that is not because of her. You already said that you think she's the best therapist you've worked with so chances are she'll understand. My therapist has never once taken it personally, or if she has she's never shown it to me. She just works with me to get me through those feelings.

I think we have it once every few months. The "I don't believe I'm going to make it" talk.

I like the way you worded this @joeylittle . It just makes me feel like I am not alone in arriving back at this spot of not believing I can make it.

 

[joeylittle]

Does it help, talking about it? Does it ever make it feel worse? '.

All I can tell you is my experience - every time I've brought it up, I've ended up feeling better after. Not better like "I'm completely OK now!"; just less afraid and irrational. It's emotional reasoning telling you that you won't make it through this; after really talking about it, just giving it voice starts to make it clear that I'm confusing feelings with facts.

There's no guarantee that you will make it through - but, there's also no guarantee that you won't. The thing that is true is that change is the thing you want - and to have change you have to act on things.

Also: I think most strong therapists like a challenge, to be honest. Don't be afraid to talk to her - it's her job to hear you say these things and to help you shift your thinking.

I feel like I've been where you are, not just this, but your whole thread. Healing isn't just a straight road upwards. It goes in waves. And sometimes things get really bleak. Just always remember, depression is like wearing sunglasses in the dark. Everything is harder. But it's not impossible.

The times I've felt separate from my therapist, I've told him about those too. And it has always helped. We have to keep enough secrets in our daily lives. Let therapy be the place where you don't have to hide.

 

[Jane.l]

@NovemberStar I am glad you came back I was wondering how you were doing.

I know just what you mean about it sort of saying to yourT your not good enough - I have the same concerns and we tend to skirt round the issue a bit - which actually isn't particularly helpful because then I feel like he thinks I don't mean it and isn't taking me seriously .

I think you need to be honest with your T you can add in that you feel bad telling her because you don't want her to think she's not doing a good job. I think you are right - talking about it may well lessen it's power, having her understand may lessen it's power and if she can make some sense of it for you that might make it easier to move forward. You have nothing to lose ,I know it's a really hard thing to talk about but you are in such a low place that it needs to be your no1 priority. She may have a fair idea anyway - I always find my T has picked up on things long before I work out how to say them .

 

[anthony]

I guess it's all part of facing your own mortality, head on.

Yes and no. Yes, we are mortal and can die at any given moment. No, to thinking there is no end to what you feel... there is, and its just through some hard self work and doing.

If you think things will change in a week, month or even months, just because you're getting therapy... then you are misguided about trauma and PTSD. From the moment you stand up, take control of yourself and choose to hit your trauma straight between the eyes, head on, is the moment the clock starts for you. Everything else... you've likely been wasting your time and going nowhere. Therapy can't help, unless the person 100% commits to really knuckling down and doing the hard work with the guidance of the therapist. Going to therapy every week and talking about whats on your mind... that's counselling, not hard hitting trauma therapy. Huge difference between the two.

People leave therapy, then realistically... they do nothing actual towards their trauma and symptoms. They talk a lot, but do little between sessions, then returning to really a counselling session, not a trauma therapy session.

Every single person, and you are one of these people @NovemberStar, can make it through their trauma and thus reduce their symptoms. It just takes a lot of hard self work, a lot of intention triggering, a lot of intentional exploration within your thoughts to find the pro's and con's, just an all-round lot of hard mental work.

If you commit to it, you will do it for yourself. If not... then you may toss yourself off a tall building, and thus PTSD wins another victim, instead of the victim becoming the victorious over PTSD.

If you think I haven't been where you are... you're wrong. I have... and it sucked. It wasn't until someone told me similar, and I mean really hard hitting, self reflection type approach, before I got it and then did the work myself. I've done thinking it will go away. I've done ignorance. I've done neglect. I've done therapy. I've done medications. I've done, wake up to myself and look inwards and step up to the plate, take control of myself and start looking in, start putting in harder than I've ever committed to anything before, start enduring the self pain, heartache and torture to look at my trauma and piece things together, put my life back in reality and context.

Only the last one worked... and everyone I have ever spoken with who has endured the normal PTSD round-a-bout from start to feeling a lot better about themselves, also found only the last one worked. Whether they did it alone, with a tough trauma therapist... it all came down to them being absolutely honest with themselves and anyone helping them achieve their goals, and enduring the short-term pain for the end result.

There is only one way through trauma, thus to lowering PTSD symptoms... and it is head on into it and committing to accept the short-term pain of symptoms, whether with some medication help or not... there is only one way.

The discussions recently with MDMA, you would be the exact candidate that this type of psychotherapeutic approach would be applicable for... to lower your inhibition in therapy to just dump it all out, piece it all together and get some relief from your trauma.

 

[NovemberStar]

@anthony - Thing is - I dealt with my trauma years ago (I've had therapy for over 20 years now). I had 12 years FREE of PTSD. All those years, not a single flashback, one mild bout of depression that resolved within a couple of months. During those years of being free from mental health issues, I was happy, confident, capable. I achieved and got to a place in my life many thought impossible for me to get too.

Then another huge trauma (series of them). PTSD re-triggered and I have STRUGGLED for most of 4 years now. I've come close to losing every single thing I worked bloody hard to get in my life - I'm on the edge of losing my job, my ability to practice in my profession, my income, my house. Everything. I feel things are becoming worse not better.

I do not have anyone or friend I can talk to about this. I don't have friends I can call to do things with or have company. I live alone. I don't have a partner or family member to call for support. I am on my own with this and it is damn overwhelming and unbearable at times. Geez - if only I did have someone I could talk to, to go for coffee with, to spend time with but I don't.

I've been working with my current T for a year. I am dealing with all I can - even forming a relationship with her is major exposure therapy. I feel so unsafe within any emotional connection; but I'm making more progress with that seeing her than in all the years before of therapy. So much if our work is delaying with the therapeutic relationship - that replays trauma and triggers up flashbacks and memories from childhood I can't even understand.

I also struggle because I feel so incapable of coping with the flashbacks. The trauma I can't remember fully happened when I was 9 or 10 and I was so traumatised and alone I wanted to die. The problem is, my flashbacks leave me feeling like I really want to die - I relive the bits of trauma and the bits of feelings I felt then - they last a few seconds but can happen every 2 minutes for hours on end. Part of the trauma aftermath was that I was completely emotionally and mentally overwhelmed (to the point I thought death was the only way out). I'm on multiple meds. I am unable to 'ground' and try the usual things like DBT because like my pdoc said - I'm simply still too traumatised to be able to cope with it YET. I've tried for years, relaxation, breathing exercises - it triggers flashbacks and severe dissociation. Probably doesn't help that my mother used breathing and relaxation exercises on me when I was young - I would end up in a dissociated state and feel unable to protect myself if she attacked me.

I also feel stuck because I can't remember the damn trauma. How the hell can I process it and deal with it if I can't even remember it??? My mind is protecting me by not remembering I know that. I'm getting tiny flashes via the flashbacks but it's of what happened AFTER something happened to leave me in that state.

 

[anthony]

I had 12 years FREE of PTSD.

There is your motivation, for starters. You had it, you recovered from it at the time for 12 years... something happened in your life and it came back. This is purely the cycle of PTSD in relation to stress / trauma in your life. It manifests, it returns, you get rid of it again, just as you did. That is a healthy and positive piece of knowledge to have on your side, because it's your knowledge, your reality, you know you beat it before... so the only thing standing in your way now, is you and your current thoughts based on new trauma.

What worked for you before, may work for you now, it may not... PTSD adapts just like medication, it often returns far worse than prior times, based on statistics.

The trauma I can't remember fully happened when I was 9 or 10 and I was so traumatised and alone I wanted to die.

I thought you said you had solved your past trauma... and that it was new trauma that brought your symptoms back?

 

[greenleaf]

@NovemberStar -- are you able to tolerate getting massage and/or bodywork? Do you have anything that makes you feel safer on a physical level?

I totally agree with @anthony about the decision to hit the trauma between its eyes, on one level. For me, though, when feeling overwhelmed, the best thing seems to be to try to calm that physical level of my mind. It's hard, I was totally not used to doing it and just walked around with tight muscles for decades while "dealing with" my trauma on other levels.

What seems to help me is finding one good relaxed feeling in a part of my neck or whatever, it's a sort of itchy feeling. I then focus on it, and it gets stronger. When I get distracted, I just gently bring myself back (the "mindfulness" thing, I think).

My brain seems to need more positive feedback loops on some level; the "just deal with things" thing (with sprinkles of dissociation) doesn't help everything for me but feels more like it's working at protecting this other part of me now.

Have you tried anything like this -- focusing on relaxing and good feelings for periods?

I'd also been symptom-free for many years and have a "life" but got re-triggered a year ago by my primary abuser, and seem to be dealing with a deeper level of my onion. Are you familiar with the concept of "local stability" in systems? I think I was in such a state; probably evolutionarily adaptive or something for our brains to do that. If that's true, we now are working to get ourselves in a more broadly stable state, I hope.

I don't have flashbacks except vague contextual ones though with faint emotions, I am really sorry for how difficult yours are being.

I was getting really numb and foggy last fall, then massively intrusive thoughts about "what-if" scenarios, before starting massage and physical therapy, and am getting at how I have stored stuff in my muscles plus got a trauma therapist who is great. Little bits of work at a time; seems to be working to alternate relaxing/feeling safer, with letting difficult bits come up -- not a conscious process except I can consciously put myself in relaxing situations to some extent.

Hang in there please! You deserve to feel much better, and if massage or other relaxing helps -- it's really wonderful to feel your body more in a relaxed way (at least part of the time)!

 

[NovemberStar]

@anthony - yes, new trauma (major and ongoing earthquakes for almost 2 years) triggered it up. I had dealt with the trauma -and the PTSD resolved fully - HOWEVER - the new trauma triggered up new memories. Some were new additions to what I had previously remembered (years ago via flashbacks I had remembered a terrifying incident with a a babysitter looking after my sister and I for 2 nights - following the earthquakes years later, I remembered some new details to do with that incident - ie, he did molest me). And the latest series of flashbacks (the same ones for the past 14 months) are not another incident I had not known about until I started having the flashbacks.

Hope that makes sense.

I am doing new things this time compared to last time. This time I have found a T with a different approach and whom I am able to trust more fully. I'm on a hoard of different meds. My life itself is so vastly differnt it is like I'm a different person. All those years ago, I was in my late teens / early twenties; was WRONGLY diagnosed as having BPD - so wasn't allowed medication for years :mad::mad::mad:; I'd never had any period of 'stability'; I lived in a halfway house for psych patients with 24 hour staff and support; I received zero help for my eating disorder; I wasn't expected to be able to achieve anything or make a recovery at all.

All these years later - I have a professional career, own my own home, have had some treatment for eating disorder (hospitalised twice for anorexia and re-feeding); and can afford private therapy (but not afford private inpatient which would be the best thing but absolutely cannot afford it - tens of thousands of $$$). In a lot of ways I have more, but the symptoms are much much worse. My PTSD is a lot worse this time and as I get closer to knowing what the trauma is, I feel more and more desperate and symptoms a lot worse. That's why I feel more hopeless - because it's been a never-ending struggle since the fatal quake in February 2011 - I start to make a gain and then WHAM - more flashbacks, and a worsening of symptoms. It's like 1 step forward, 2 backwards. I thought things were bad a year ago - huh - a lot worse now.

@greenleaf - I don't feel I can make a conscious decision to 'face the trauma head on' - trust me I've tried. I have gone through periods (when the symptoms are a bit more manageable and I've felt supported enough to give it a good go) - I've willed myself to remember and feel and real with what I do know of the trauma. It doesn't work. At the moment, I'm in the midst of a lot of flashbacks, and I cannot seem to will myself to 'stay with them' In order to REMEMBER the traumatic incident so I can deal with it. It is honestly beyond my control!!!!! Oh god I wish I could control it - have the flashbacks when it was safe too - ie with my T in our sessions - or when I wasn't working or when I felt strong enough to cope with whatever is revealed - but my mind won't allow me too. I do think that this might be because the trauma incident when it happened, left me feeling very very suicidal and it's my mind keeping me from acting out on it if I were to be in the flashback for long enough - I do think there would be a huge risk of me taking my life if I was IN a flashback for long enough to do so. It feels so very very real it is like I really am back there. And the effects of the flashback after it are bad enough to leave me suicidal also - to avoid the flashbacks coming back!!!

FARKED if I know what to do.

But it has helped a bit to be able to post how I am feeling because I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to about this, other than my T whom I can only speak to once a week.

And I think we all know that one week inside a PTSD mind is a FARK of a long long time.

One thing I have managed to do this week is draw my experience. A bit of art therapy. I've been able to put onto paper my experience of PTSD and my life at the moment. I know that a huge factor in keeping me stuck is my utter fear of more flashbacks and not being able to keep myself safe during them if they were to last longer than they do. And because so many things trigger the flashbacks, I'm like a prisoner in that the only way to keep the flashbacks at a minimum is if I stay in bed / at home, online or watching pre recorded tv program's. Doing housework, having a shower, leaving the house, seeing the sun shine, all trigger flashbacks. Yesterday seeing a pair of pastel coloured socks triggered them. Driving in the car triggers them. Even my dogs trigger flashbacks and I didn't even have a dam dog growing up!!!

Something's I can vaguely relate to growing up - driving my car might be linked to my mother shutting me in the car boot and driving with me shut in there terrified I would die from running out of oxygen. But even then, the flashbacks a car triggers are not to do with being in the car as a child - or at least I don think it is - I don't know as I don't remember or know WHAT traumatic incident behind these particular set of flashbacks was.

Can anyone answer me this: HOW can I process the trauma and stop the flashbacks if I can't even remember what the trauma was? 14 months of the same flashbacks from the same day, from a hundred different viewpoints and all I know is how I felt at the time AFTER whatever happened. I shut myself in my bedroom cupboard and I want to die. I leave the cupboard and I want to die. I see no escape and my life will always be like that. I have no one and no one is coming to rescue me or put a stop to the abuse. I am completely unable to cope mentally or emotionally and see death is the only way to stop the pain and fear. I am 9 or 10 years old and my utter ability to 'cope' leaves me wanting to die. And that is another huge part of the problem - I've felt the complete emotional and mental overwhelm and been completely, absolutely alone with no one and no escape. I am TERRIFIED of being in that place again - hence my inability to cope with the flashbacks.