The 5 Love Languages And Attachment To Therapist.

[mrsps]

After talking to my T quite a bit over a long period of time about my parents and feeling unloved (even though I know they do love me) my T recommended I read the book on the 5 languages of love. I would always tell her about how my parents did stuff for me and we had everything we needed food. clothes etc, but never had hugs or communication and never "felt" loved. So after reading this book and learning about the 5 love languages and about how as children we need all these "love tanks" filled, but most children have one main one

Quality time
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Physical touch
Gifts

I realised that the attachment I have to my T is because she fills some of my "love tanks" that were not filled by my parents.
I get quality time with her (yes I know she is getting paid for it) something I have always craved is attention.
She uses words of affirmation, she tells me I am doing well, she is proud of me etc. things I never heard from my parents
She gives me a hug at the end of each session.
I don't know how to feel about this now. I have always felt the attachment towards her and felt this was "wrong" but now to realise it is because she gives me what I have always craved.
I don't know how to deal with this
*confused*

 

[Chava]

I don't deal very well with attachment and warm up to everyone, including therapists, very slowly if ever. I don't even recognize this stuff I didn't get but need because most of my feelings of "need" in almost all categories ended up so stunted. Like total failure to thrive. I have no idea why I didn't die as a little kid. Anyway, I love my parents too and they did lots of good, I would say "acts of service" like coming to my school events and bringing me to lessons and trying to support my interests. But low, low, low on nurturance, warmth, validation. I didn't feel a connection to my mom most of the time. I felt as close to her as I felt to a stranger in the grocery store. My therapist isn't really into nit-picky diagnosis stuff (she lumps all my stuff under complex trauma), but I relate to some of the quasi borderline and avoidant tendencies (though so many of those overlap with cptsd). Muddled sense of "self" and of others. Even when I can appreciate kindness or warmth from someone, I can't seem to carry it with me very well. I leave the presence of the nice person, feel disconnected again and like the relationship doesn't quite exist, and like I'm partly frozen. To me, that's really really old stuff and lately I'm sort of depressed because I feel like it's so deep I maybe can't change and will always be isolated because it's more comfortable, but too sad.

Anyway, if you'd feel okay with it, this is probably a good issue to talk to your therapist about, if you haven't. It sounds really positive that you are able to feel a good connection to her, but understandable that it would feel confusing if you haven't experienced any or many good attachments. I think this part makes me confused too, and makes therapy difficult, but sticking it versus quitting or drifting off (as I tend to do) is certainly part of the work in itself...and healing, I hope...

 

[RussH]

mrsps, it is perfectly ok to receive this affirmation from you therapist.

Perhaps your learning the five languages of love, and recongnizing that you are receiving them from your therapist will better equip you to receive them from others.

 

[ghotiff]

The five languages of love is a great book. There is another one which is written for parents but it's the five love languages for kids. It overlaps a lot, but I liked it also and it might be good to read from an inner child perspective.

 

[mrsps]

Anyway, if you'd feel okay with it, this is probably a good issue to talk to your therapist about

Thanks for your reply. I have talked to my therapist about feeling attached to her but never understood why, now that I do understand why it makes so much more sense to me. I will bring it up again with her :)

Anyway, I love my parents too and they did lots of good, I would say "acts of service" like coming to my school events and bringing me to lessons and trying to support my interests. But low, low, low on nurturance, warmth, validation. I didn't feel a connection to my mom most of the time.

This is very similar to how I would describe my relationship with my parents

 

[mrsps]

Perhaps your learning the five languages of love, and recongnizing that you are receiving them from your therapist will better equip you to receive them from others.

Thanks that does make sense. I just feel so wrong that I am receiving them from my therapist

 

[BlueOrange]

Thanks that does make sense. I just feel so wrong that I am receiving them from my therapist

I think this is an important question. There is such a thing as an inappropriate relationship between a patient and a therapist, and when you're confused about relationships, it can be hard to work out what's appropriate and what's not. These questions might help you structure your thinking about what is appropriate and what isn't:

• Is any of the affection sexual in nature?
• Is the therapist making use of the relationship to satisfy their own needs at the expense of your needs?
• Is the therapy increasing the number of people and resources you can call on for support, or are you becoming increasingly dependent on the therapist?
• Are they causing you any harm? (I frequently feel an amount of 'hurt' during therapy, but I've never been harmed by the therapist that I continue to see.)

The fundamental question is "Is this relationship good for my short-term and long-term health?" To the extent that the answer is 'no', then there is a problem with the therapy. If the answer is 'yes', then it's probably worthwhile to understand (and question) the source of the discomfort.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There is another one which is written for parents but it's the five love languages for kids. It overlaps a lot, but I liked it also and it might be good to read from an inner child perspective.

There is a whole series of these books. I have the one for single people.

 

[RussH]

There is nothing wrong with your therapist showing you genuine compassion, and heart-felt caring as one individual to another.
I personally do not think I could be helped by a undetatched uncaring therapist.
Humans are designed to need social interaction and affectionate affirmation from others, and it is perfectly normal to both give and receive these messages of love from one another.
Let me ask you a question: Does your therapist show you genuine care and compassion because you pay them, or because they are a good person that cares about you? I strongly suspect that it is because they are a good person, and really care about you.
Have they acted in a manner that is unethical, or even worse immoral? I suspect the answer to both s no.
Is your relationship with them unhealthy for you? are you too emotionally attached to them as to becoming too dependent on them? If the answer is no then, allow yourself the joy of knowing someone cares about you, and don't feel like you are doing something wrong

 

[mrsps]

Is any of the affection sexual in nature?
Is the therapist making use of the relationship to satisfy their own needs at the expense of your needs?
Is the therapy increasing the number of people and resources you can call on for support, or are you becoming increasingly dependent on the therapist?
Are they causing you any harm? (I frequently feel an amount of 'hurt' during therapy, but I've never been harmed by the therapist that I continue to see.)

Thanks these are good questions.
No definitely no sexual affection. Is a "mother figure" affection
No therapist is definitely not making use of the relationship to satisfy her needs in any way.
Would say I am becoming less dependent on my therapist, I feel less attached now to what I have done in the past.
No not causing me any harm

I think she is a great therapist and I know she only has my best interests at heart.

There is a whole series of these books. I have the one for single people

yes I got 3 different ones out from the library lol :)

allow yourself the joy of knowing someone cares about you, and don't feel like you are doing something wrong

Thanks, this is a hard one to accept!

I personally do not think I could be helped by a undetatched uncaring therapist.

I agree with you on that one!

Thanks for all your advise. :)

 

[BlueOrange]

Thanks these are good questions.
No definitely no sexual affection. Is a "mother figure" affection
No therapist is definitely not making use of the relationship to satisfy her needs in any way.
Would say I am becoming less dependent on my therapist, I feel less attached now to what I have done in the past.
No not causing me any harm
I think she is a great therapist and I know she only has my best interests at heart.

She sure sounds good :)

 

[Chava]

I'd add my mom was traumatized herself and just plain terrified me because she was a raging type (could hit fast and hard enough to leave welts, but the screaming and breaking stuff was probably scarier and really invalidating...and sometimes I was in the way of what she was busy breaking). In my childhood nightmares, I was running away from her and towards impossibly unhelpful cartoon characters for safety (hence few feelings of safety in real life). So in some ways, I think it's helpful I didn't have a strong attachment (like she wasn't super sweet and warm and loving other times, which would have likely made me more confused and screwed up in relationships). I can remember wanting to be close to her, but mostly relied on my own abilities to be totally independent and not needing of anything or anyone (okay, that's the part that probably backfired).

The lack of feeling really loved was probably really damaging because it's taken so long for me to take myself seriously at all (and make the efforts to take care of myself)...it's still hard. I have such low confidence in relationships and often feel like an imposter when I'm taking good care of myself or when I feel good. I'm stuck trying to "survive" too often. It's great to have someone who can show kindness and care towards us, and hopefully support us in developing that for ourselves...and the belief that we are worth it and we deserve to enjoy our lives.