My View Of My Life To Date Is Changing....not For The Better

[Whirlwind]

It seems since my PTSD started, my life has slowly unraveled, first the past and the belated shock at the severity of my childhood and now my adult life to date is heading the same way.

As an adult, my biggest "success" was getting free and living a happy life...I had a good career and a very stable long term relationship, it meant to me that I wasn't (so) damaged, that my life wasn't ruined by my beginnings.

Simply put, these things blew apart in a very sad way and it broke me....and that is when my PTSD started making a serious appearance.

My past which was a source of pride, now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can hardly think of it, now I see how I was used and major decisions I made were not in my best interests, always in everyone else's best interest.

I have lied about the real series of events for years because I am so ashamed of it all, it is (unfortunately) so very clear now and I can hardly admit it myself.

But it is awful, I know I can't change anything but despite my best efforts in life, it seems I've continued to let myself be taken advantage of, used and discarded. The only thing I can hang onto is I acted in good faith, never cheated anyone or lied during everything but so what? I sacrificed for others to my own detriment because that's what I am good at, self sacrifice. And I guess I am a fool, like I missed out on life's playbook somehow, everyone else "gets" it except me. This has also caused me to come full circle, I have tried to trust people and obviously picked the wrong ones and anymore, I want everyone to stay away from me, I have zero trust anymore. Yup, just like my father used to warn us, everyone is out to get you, never forget that.

I always hated that he would drill us with that kind of stuff, we used to secretly call it his "tidings of doom rants" and now it feels true and that makes me intensely sad. I don't want it to be true. I don't want to come to hate my life like them or be anything like them. But it feels like destiny these days.

So this is a big admission for me and I don't know what to "do" with it, it feels so awful, like I've come full circle to see I was and am damaged and there is no fixing it. I'm well into mid life...and I feel like my time, my chance at life has run out. At least I felt happy before even if I was in denial. I wish for that time so badly. It
feels like I used up the only happy I am to be allowed. Like I used mine up and there won't be any more.

Thanks for listening, Whirlwind

 

[BlueOrange]

Yesterday, I got pointed to some really good materials on self-forgiveness, if you look at my recent post in the Complex sub-forum, you can find it. Still coming to terms with what all that stuff means, and how to use it. It gives me hope.

 

[Changing4Best]

I hit a similar situation when I was in my mid 40s. I thought it was all over for me and I had no hope, so I attempted suicide. Thankfully that did not happen, and instead I found hope and help. I moved away from where I used to live, where everything had gone wrong. I got assistance from various social assistance programs, so that I was financially able to live on my own. I live out in the mountains and things picked up for me. Yes, there was a time when I hardly knew anyone here and I knew no one well. Then I went to a therapy group that didn't cost much as it was paid for by charity and the government. There I met a girl who is also PTSD. She and I are friends now and she is coming to visit me tomorrow, like she has done before (and I also go to visit her).

Those who have taken advantage of me in the past are gone from my life now. I have found the power through God and therapy to say "NO" politely but firmly to people. My therapist even loaned me a book about assertiveness which gave me some ideas too. (I have Medicare Health Insurance now, so they pay for the therapy). Anyway, I pray a lot, and also joined a church where folks are friendly and welcoming. (It took me awhile to find this church, not all churches are friendly as this one is, and other folks have also noted that it is friendly too, so I know I did not imagine that!). Prayer is just conversations with God, like He is your friend, nothing fancy, nothing written out as a way you must pray or anything. To me that is important, because God speaks loving things back to me sometimes, so I know it is Him. He would never advise me to do anything unloving or dangerous. I say that because some folks say they "hear" God, but then they go and do something hateful! That was not God speaking, I assure you! (More likely the devil).

Anyway, there is still hope for you in the future. Don't give up. Don't despair. Keep searching. You will find love. Don't forget, you can always nicely, but firmly, say "NO". This is the essence of not being used. Once a person knows you will say, "No" and you have done so a few times to drive it home, they won't bother you further. Practice it in a mirror. Practice on a doll or stuffed animal. Once you feel confident with it, say it the next time some user loser tries to get you to do something for him or her that you don't want to or are unable to do. Watch how quickly they leave you alone. Eventually you will find some golden people. Pray to God that you find them. He will send them your way.

 

[GWhizz]

@Whirlwind I can really relate.

Sometimes I feel as though the whole world is against me, as though I'm destined never to succeed. I give my all in work etc, I'm super honest because veracity is a huge value of mine. Yet there doesn't seem to be any payoffs at times.

But I've realised that unfortunately, I do need to play the game of life. I need to be smart about what I say or do at work. I need to try to preempt what kind of people I begin relationships with and who I trust with things and who I can rely on.

People will let you down though I've learned that, like the old saying goes something like: 'the biggest risk of all is not to take any risks at all'. If I'm too scared I run the risk of missing out. Who cares if I'm naive or in denial sometimes. If I've taken the precautions to protect myself and feel safe in the 1st place, when things backfire, at least I know I tried. And whilst not all experiences have been pleasant, I've been manipulated and led to believe I was at fault etc - at least I tried. I had good intentions even if others were being manipulative or had ulterior motives.

Everything you've done up until now has shaped you to be the beautiful person you are @Whirlwind - don't give up on yourself. You can rely on yourself. You just need to forgive yourself for any mistakes you feel you've made, even if you weren't actually responsible for them. No one is psychic or a mindreader. We cannot predict the actions of others. We just need to use our judgment, learn from the past and at least try. You tried. Well done for trying rather than letting things beat you and not living your life.

 

[Whirlwind]

if you look at my recent post in the Complex sub-forum

I'm not sure where this is?

I moved away from where I used to live, where everything had gone wrong.

I want to do this too, I am trying and recently lost a chance to move (not due to me, just circumstances).....I keep trying and it feels like I just can't get a break no matter how "right" I try to do things. I am happy you have your faith to buoy you in hard times.

I'm super honest because veracity is a huge value of mine. Yet there doesn't seem to be any payoffs at times.

I had good intentions even if others were being manipulative or had ulterior motives.

My "good intentions" cost me things you don't get back in life or another chance at and I shudder at my stupidity now, my naivety.

Thanks for your thoughts, I do appreciate it but I can't "feel" it just yet.

 

[joeylittle]

@Whirlwind, this is the post @BlueOrange is referring to: Neglect As A Cause Of Dissociation And Ptsd (BlueOrange, please correct me if I have it wrong)

I'm curious, whirlwind, whether you've ever been diagnosed with depression. When I first read your post I thought about moving it into the Depression and Suicidal Ideation forum (and I still can, if you think that would be a better fit) - but I think it's interesting that you put your thread here, in symptoms and disorders.

When you think about these feelings of hopelessness, of it all being over for you - can you recognize that this is (possibly) part of working your way through your PTSD, or does it feel like it's separate from your "normal" PTSD symptoms?

 

[Whirlwind]

No diagnosis of depression but lately I've had this ominous feeling I can't shake, despair I suppose. I've been questioning myself about depression but early on my therapist said I lean the other way, I don't slow down I guess, dissoc and apparently I am counter phobic.

I have had this feeling before when PTSD started and when flashbacks started. Its been very challenging lately, my PTSD is kicking into high gear again. Someone here posted an email link about "emotional flashbacks" and it surprised me, I hadn't heard of it before and now I am wondering if that could be "it"?

My therapist also recently said he is at a loss for my nightmares etc. he is out of ideas etc. It really bummed me despite talking to him about it, like I'm hopeless when I thought he had a plan so to speak.

For what it is worth, I am questioning my therapy right now and I just signed up for a workshop starting tonight with a small group and therapist who is a trauma specialist. I thought it might help clear my fog or give me some ideas. I also decided to take an herbal supplement for depression, so maybe that will help.

 

[joeylittle]

For what it is worth, I am questioning my therapy right now and I just signed up for a workshop starting tonight with a small group and therapist who is a trauma specialist. I thought it might help clear my fog or give me some ideas.

For what it's worth, I think that sounds like a great idea :), and I'm very hopeful that a more specialized trauma therapy approach and a fresh voice in your treatment might help you move through this time.

 

[BlueOrange]

My therapist also recently said he is at a loss for my nightmares etc. he is out of ideas etc. It really bummed me despite talking to him about it, like I'm hopeless when I thought he had a plan so to speak

It sounds like getting to a trauma specialist (as you are doing) is a good response to this. If only we were easier to help, and more people knew how!

I also decided to take an herbal supplement for depression, so maybe that will help.

Have you had suitably qualified advice about the herbal supplement? The risks are lower than with purified medicines, because you get less of the active ingredient, but the risks are still there.

 

[Whirlwind]

fresh voice in your treatment

My current and only T is a trauma expert but I just feel stalled and dead ended, maybe my fault to be honest I do like him I just feel stalled as I said, he keeps saying he knows what he's doing but I'm in the dark despite my asking for clarification.

Not sure what to think about this new therapist/group but it was very interesting tonight, this T advocates a different approach and sees just talk therapy as too limited. So it was a fresh perspective and she has a very hopeful attitude re ptsd recovery.

I liked hearing that :)

Have you had suitably qualified advice about the herbal supplement?

Yes, did my research and ok'd by therapist, thanks for asking.

To be fair in all of this, I am socially isolated these days and have no support I know this doesn't help my situation and I am trying hard to change this but its going to take time.

Thanks for listening and talking, I appreciate it. Whirlwind