Meeting The Diagnosis

[Disquieted]

I can't ever quite describe how I feel.
Maybe overwhelmed and exhausted.
Maybe like my head is a balloon and ready to explode.

I'm frustrated that I have ptsd. I want to argue that I couldn't possibly have this diagnosis yet I meeting more criteria needed for the diagnosis. But I was still surprised when I was diagnosed.

1. Bad stuff. Yup lots
2. Re-experiencing. Too much of all that.
3. Avoidance. Lost a year of my life. Can't be around certain people, talk on the phone, or even listen to vm's from certain people.
Difficulty having any emotions. I don't think I love anyone. I just don't care. I can't cry. Sex can be scary when connection or love is involved.
Numbing
Detatched from everyone and everything.
4. Hyperarousal. I can't fall asleep. I can't concentrate. I'm more than anxious. I'm irritable.
5. Dissociation
Not sure where risky behaviors fit in. But yes!

With that being said I'm sad that I wasn't diagnosed sooner. No one recognized what was going on or asked me if I had been abused or related trauma to my inability to eat and trust when I was young. I wouldn't have told them anyways.
I want to stop thinking and stop avoiding and feeling scared of life.
Ughhh

 

[anthony]

I'm frustrated that I have ptsd.

It still frustrates me too, even all these years later. I was lucky with the proper help, diagnosis and direction, all quite within a limited period of time... though I am the minority it seems in PTSD. You aptly explained the majority, being the frustration, no diagnosis, issues being discarded and the list goes on. All that happens is you get worse over time, and I'm sorry you have endured that.

The good news that here you are, seeking help for yourself... thus the past is just that, the past. Focus now on your present, to make a better future for yourself.

 

[DromedaryLights]

I relate to this post so much! I simultaneously felt like "That can't possibly be me" and "Why didn't anyone figure it out sooner?" It's so frustrating thinking about how differently my childhood might have gone if I'd got the help I needed then. Alas. I guess there's nothing I can do now but try to make the best of it.

 

[Chava]

Relating here too. Looking back, I feel like this should have all been more clear to someone. Specialists were playing whack-a-mole with my destructive symptoms (eating disorder, alcoholism, cutting, suicide attempts). When I stopped destroying myself my body did it for me anyway by developing chronic pain. My current therapist had me fill out a four-page intake questionnaire and did a good first meeting and made lots of notes...mostly focusing on my symptoms, what I've tried that helped and what hasn't helped, what my goals were, etc. I didn't even have to tell her about my traumas (when people ask right away, I clam up anyway...so this feels very smart to get at it from a careful but comprehensive perspective). She suggested working on my treatment from a trauma lens, whether I had trauma or not, she felt that might be a fit. So she didn't ask me to go right into anything that would feel overwhelming. But she did inform me of her take, a process, and it gave me some hope because I felt like someone finally "got" it. I felt more comfortable bringing up stuff later. But I'd think almost any therapist should have enough training to recognize a list of self-destructive behaviors running together and consider trauma (though there are other possibilities, the link to trauma is pretty strong when we're talking about ED + addiction + pain + suicide attempts and self injury)...starting from that lens, you might at least gently gather more information.

Whenever a new doctor asked if I had ever been abused or assaulted I said, "NO." Because I was really saying something like "SHUT THE F*CK UP"...how was I supposed to get into that when I thought I was just getting my blood pressure checked? People need to feel like they are in a pretty solid, safe place to even answer that question sometimes. All the hyper-arousal and feelings of disgust and shame. No I won't tell a doctor...then she'll what...mark that down on a sheet, have my blood drawn, and send me home????? I understand they need to ask, but probably it's easier to answer once someone has made a dent processing it. So I hold therapists to the responsibility of connecting those dots. And that being said, I assume past therapists expected me to open up about something but I never could..."talk" therapy and CBT just didn't work well for me, personally (I'm doing Somatic Experiencing and body-focused therapy now...better fit, felt safer right away for me, but also because my therapist didn't have this big expectation for me to talk right away...we could just work on my ability to "be" in my body, find ways to feel safe and grounded first, and find ways to survive waves of panic).

Anyway, I relate to the sense of frustration and loss. But I also see this as my opportunity to change...that I am finally recognizing it and reaching out for support. So, good for you for doing this for yourself as well. It's not easier, but it's a place to start understanding yourself better and finding out what you can accept and what you can change..

 

[Determinedone]

Thank you for sharing your story. Whatever you do don't give up. The fact that you can actually talk about it says a lot. Each day will get better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In my experience, they almost never ask about past trauma.....

I say "in my experience" as I'd been through MANY professionals by the time I was finally diagnosed. 99.9999999% of them don't know what a damn flashback is, and this is the main reason why I wasn't diagnosed all those years. (That is, unless you go in and say "I *SEE* my trauma being replayed" then they don't think you're having flashbacks. *annoyed*

 

[ghotiff]

Whenever a new doctor asked if I had ever been abused or assaulted I said, "NO." Because I was really saying something like "SHUT THE F*CK UP"...how was I supposed to get into that when I thought I was just getting my blood pressure checked? People need to feel like they are in a pretty solid, safe place to even answer that question ........ No I won't tell a doctor...then she'll what...mark that down on a sheet, have my blood drawn, and send me home?????

This quote should be required reading for all doctors. It is sooooo true. The amount of people I told as a child who then did nothing....that hurts more, knowing they know but they still don't care enough to move outside their comfort zone and help.

When I was pregnant with my first child and seeing the doctor my husband would always come with me (I was afraid of pelvic exams without him). Once, they asked him to leave the room for 2 minutes so they could ask me some questions....then they asked if he was abusing me (their standard question from a form) ... all I could think was what a joke, if he was abusing me (which he wasn't) there was no way I would have told them...he was right outside and would be back in 2 minutes.

 

[user27357]

Yeah, the diagnosis makes it all too obvious that all the symptoms are happening, doesn't it? I was chasing depression for so long, trying this drug and that technique and reading those books and listening to tapes, so long it seems like someone should be ashamed of not puting it all together some time during the 25 years I sought help.

I am thankful to finally know why I am the way I am, but I kind of miss thinking I might find a way out if I just keep looking. Now I know I am actually physically altered and my world is pretty much going to be this way for the duration. I know how to cope and the techniques are better aimed at the specifics of PTSD rather than generalised towards depression in general. All in all, it is better to know even if it means having to deal with a pretty heavy diagnosis.