My T Thinks Therapy Is Making Me Worse

[Jane.l]

@ghotiff thanks - yes that makes sense - it's just feeling very painful today makes it hard to 'do' positive :(
Also probably starting to get panicked about seeing this other T tomorrow. He has emailed and asked me who the T is that I have been seeing, for some reason I am really spooked by him asking that - what difference does it make, is it wrong to say I don't what to tell him ? They probably know each other and I am getting a bit paranoid about that.

 

[ghotiff]

I totally understand that reframing is difficult when in a bad emotional place, but you won't stay there so give it a go when you are ready :)

In regards to not telling your new T - absolutely you do not have to tell them anything you don't want to. But they will like ask, so a pre prepare answer will help. Maybe just a simple : I would rather not discuss that yet. And then if they push you could say : I'm still getting my head around ending therapy with him and I don't wish to derail today's session on that topic.

Just thoughts. As always only take what is useful for you.

 

[scout86]

he promised me

I get it now! (I think.) What he did is made promises he couldn't keep. He actually made promises that NO ONE could be sure they could keep. Maybe because he doesn't quite get how important a promise is.

I've had a rather high percentage of the few people I HAVE trusted die. A few years ago, I mentioned this to a friend and said that "maybe I'm a jinx" and that it might be safer for him not to get involved in a friendship with me. His exact words were, "nothing bad's going to happen to me!" I warned him that he had little control over what happened to him.... He came home from multiple deployments with PTSD and shot himself this past spring........ While I was contemplating that, I went through a phase where I was really sure that was all my fault to, because maybe I really AM a jinx.

I'm still rather conflicted about what "reality" is with regard to all this, but I'm entertaining the possibility that it actually wasn't my fault he's dead and that he made a well meaning promise he had no way to keep. I think that's maybe what your T did too. He meant well, but we can't see all ends and he probably doesn't get how big a deal that kind of promise is.

As far as asking who your old T was, here's another thought. When I get called to trim a horse's feet for the first time, I sometimes ask who their old farrier was. Several reasons for that. I DO know many of my competitors. Some I like & respect, some not so much. If I know who my predecessor was, I have an idea what to expect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it gives me a heads up that the horse might be worried, because the other person is rough. Sometimes it tells me that the owner will be pleasantly surprised if I show up as promised, because the other person frequently doesn't. It's just me, gathering information. I still take things as they come and go on from there. You actually may not be the only client who's left this T over similar issues. (Again, that's "him" not "you".)

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @scout86 that helped me to understand why this new T is asking but I am still not keen to answer - firstly because my T was working mainly with nhs patients before and hasn't been in private practice long enough to have 'got through' too many clients and secondly although this has gone horribly pear shaped for me I think generally he's pretty sound - I am also just really uncomfortable that they might know each other - it's like having an affair !! Part of me feels horribly disloyal and like I am 'cheating ' on my old T - I feel guilty ( as usual)

I understand what you are saying about feeling like a jinx I was sexually abused as a child by multiple people - in totally unrelated incidences - and that thread has run through my whole life - so I am the common denominater - it must be me - it must something about me - I must be making people do this - now we can look at each other's situation and say you know what you have just been massively unlucky but hard to see for yourself . I think it's our brain trying to keep us away from pain - therefore if it's our fault we can do something to stop it ? Only it's not and we can't but then that makes us helpless - yuck who wants to be helpless - back round in a circle .

Yes he made promises he couldn't keep - I guess to try and make me feel safe enough to open up and I was stupid enough to fall for it - I don't believe he was trying to hurt me but ouch !

Dreading seeing this new T tomorrow - think I will probably resent him straight off just because he's not my old T - I know that's ridiculous and completely unreasonable - just hope I don't get freaked out .

 

[digger]

Hope it goes well today x

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks @digger

Well lovely people lots has gone on since yesterday evening - I find it very hard to stay with long posts so I might do a few shorter ones to bring you up to speed - also have a major headache - so might be better to do it in bits.

Glad I went this morning it has helped to get a bit of clarity - I was very upfront about everything - I managed to totally emotionally detach from everything and told him my history almost as if it was some one else - he said I explained it a concise way - ( that must be a first for me ! ) I was worried I would get in a pickle with 'mood problems ' but he seemed to get it.
He thinks I started working on trauma quicker than I should have done and that I need to focus on stability - maybe DBT ? That I am struggling with emotional disregulation and that it makes sense that I would be - I need to take the whole process way way slower and go back to square one .

I also need a crisis plan in place - not sure exactly what that means ??
We also discussed my other T a little and what I felt I wanted to happen with that - also had a revelation about that last night and an email conversation - explain later

Anyway I was pleased I went if nothing else it's given me options .

Thanks and :hug: to those that would like one :)

 

[Jane.l]

This may not make as much sense when it's out of my head as it does in it !

As part of the basic counselling skills course I started we have quite a big reading list and I started reading a book about therapeutic framework and suddenly it clicked into place - I am not big on rules and although I could see the point of boundaries I thought having rigid ones was just unhelpful - I thought it was a way for the T to distance themselves and to be uncaring and though there is an element of that ( to keep the T sane) it's actually a very caring thing to keep in place because otherwise everything else falls apart. The more the T slips from the framework the more it can unsettle and freak out the client , on a subconscious level - I wasn't aware it actually wasn't helping me. Suddenly I can see why it has to be that way - what I think happened was because my life slipped into a headlong landslide my T over compensated , for all the right reasons , for a while - and then tried to get back to working within the framework but I felt he was punishing me for being over needy and resented me being so clingy and wanted to get rid of me and things went from bad to worse.

So this is where I am at - I know it's totally his responsibility to keep the damn framework in the right place - I know he has handled some of this badly and I think that may be partly inexperience but I think I have read the situation wrongly at some points too and I just feel it's worth one last chance but I do need him to be honest if he feels he is out of his depth or I have worn him into the ground :(

We are meeting next week - I have a list of things I need from him consistency being number one - and I think we just totally need to start again - I am not the same person I was when we met 18 mths ago - I think a new beginning is always worth a try . And I have plan B if I need it .

Thank you so so much for all your support - it's actually been good 'therapy' to see how kind and caring people can be.

 

[joeylittle]

The more the T slips from the framework the more it can unsettle and freak out the client , on a subconscious level - I wasn't aware it actually wasn't helping me. Suddenly I can see why it has to be that way - what I think happened was because my life slipped into a headlong landslide my T over compensated , for all the right reasons , for a while - and then tried to get back to working within the framework but I felt he was punishing me for being over needy and resented me being so clingy and wanted to get rid of me and things went from bad to worse.

This is so smart it just blew my mind. And I think it might explain a similar issue I've started to have. Thank you for writing it!

You plan sounds really smart. Are you going to share with him your reasoning, your thoughts about the therapeutic framework, or just allow this knowledge to change how you are approaching him? I'm really curious.

 

[Jane.l]

Actually I think I have just invented a really sensible thing - your T has supervision - this is supervision for clients ! We get to talk about our therapy problems with an independent source - kind of makes sense ?

 

[joeylittle]

It really does make sense.

 

[Jane.l]

@joeylittle we crossed posts
But yes blew my mind too !! I think I might approach from a 'I realise where you have been coming from' stance but will go further if I need too

 

[Jane.l]

The other thing I have been thinking tonight is that I used to work in dentistry which is kind of similar to therapy in that - how do you really tell who is good ?? If you go on experience nope the dentist with the most experience was an amazing person but was not great as a dentist - the youngest with the least experience was by far and away the best - she cared 100% about all of her patients - I am totally going on feeling here and trusting myself - oooh scary !