My Being Unemployed Is Negatively Affecting My Roommate

[Ancient trees]

If I don't get this out, I won't sleep well tonight :( Sorry if it doesn't make sense. Note: I have two interviews coming up.

After months of procrastinating of looking for a new roommate (horrible previous experience, and anxiety of sharing my space and demons with someone), I've found the perfect roommate and she moved in a week ago. God could not have sent me a more perfect person (and potential friend). She's much older and we connect on many levels.

The energy between us changed this week and something is off. I really really wanted her to like me :( She has been dropping hints that she isn't comfortable with me being unemployed. Every day she asks me what I did that day, which is waking up kind of late and staying at home for longer than an employed person would. And then some errands, and my therapy appointment.
There is more tension today, and I was hoping to dispel it by talking to her, but it's still present. :(

I can tell that her impression of me is that of a very lazy person with no ambition, who relies on her family (my source of Complex PTSD) to pay for everything. She doesn't know that I'm in touch with my "family" until I'm self-reliant; that a family member is the guarantor only, but that I have been paying for my share of the rent and bills and drying up my meager savings... that all of this furniture that they gave me for free, they did so out of concern and out of a desire for me to be comfortable - not because they are "rich" and that I'm a spoiled brat.
Should I openly tell her these things, or what? (And risk scaring her away?)

I've already got two interviews lined up, and am positive that I will be hired and will do well - this is after five months of being scared of being employed again. Basically, I just went from not functioning for a few months, to doing great, but instead I feel a resentment coming from a person who I really wanted to like me. I really really feel for her and see her point of view. She is not wrong at all. I just wish I wouldn't feel so embarrassed and ashamed. And my fear is coming true... that my personal demons are palpable by those that share my space.
I was hoping not to have to feel tension in this place again. I hate worrying... it's the bane of my existence. Won't sleep well tonight. :(

edit: Last thought... To hold on to my roommate is the call of a trumpet to get my life in line with the lives of the Functioning Ones. Which is a scary thought. I'm going to have to mimic normal patterns of human beings, and the luxury of telling myself that I don't "feel" well and can take the whole day off, for four days out of the week, is no longer available to me. It's akin to not having a mast to hold on to, as your ship sinks. But, on the bright side, I don't think anything else will get me as motivated to start living the life I'm meant to be living, as the fear of losing her?

 

[sun seeker]

Ouch. I feel for you, especially when you describe the shame of not being able to hold together a "normal" life and not knowing how much to share about why that is. Shame about your demons, Those demons are not who you are, they are things that happened to you. I can't tell you what you should do but please do be gentle with yourself. you might consider the shades of grey instead of all black or white - telling or not telling, whom to trust and to what level. Maybe you could try something like "I am really frustrated about being unemployed, but I have to keep reminding myself that there are real reasons. I've been through a lot and had to take this break to take care of my health" without necessarily going into all the details about what happened to you.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible, but it seems to me that if anything is going to drive her away, it is your bending yourself out of shape trying to please her. If you respect yourself, she will be more likely to respect you. Part of respecting yourself is knowing that your healing has to come first.

I don't know - about mimicking normal patterns - it depends whether you actually CAN do these things or not. If you really feel ready, then maybe so, this will be the motivation you need. But I'm assuming there are real reasons that got you to where you are now, and recovery is a gradual process. I say this from the perspective of someone who would love to be working full-time at a challenging, exciting job, but the reality is I have social anxiety, extreme fear of criticism and rejection, survival fear so big it can cause panic attacks, and insomnia that kicks up several notches when my life gets too busy. I'm far from lazy, but it could look that way to someone who doesn't know why I'm not living that life. I don't know your story, but presumably if you are here it's because you have a history of trauma that impacts on your life significantly, and that's not your fault. You don't have to explain that to her, but it's important that you remind yourself.

 

[Pencil]

Where your money comes from is none of her business. You can't jump through hoops to get her to like you. The irony is that if you, she won't like you. You are making assumptions about her change of attitude. Never make assumptions, rather get the facts. Perhaps it is your focus on getting her to like you that is too much for her. Or, it could be anything else. Perhaps you're projecting your feelings about your family and the money issues onto her. NEVER explain to yourself to anybody.

You need to focus on creating a life for yourself that works for you.

 

[Friday]

I've found the perfect roommate and she moved in a week ago. God could not have sent me a more perfect person (and potential friend).

I really really wanted her to like me :(

I can tell that her impression of me is that of a very lazy person with no ambition, who relies on her family

I really really feel for her and see her point of view. She is not wrong at all. I just wish I wouldn't feel so embarrassed and ashamed.

luxury of telling myself that I don't "feel" well and can take the whole day off, for four days out of the week, is no longer available to me. It's akin to not having a mast to hold on to, as your ship sinks.

don't think anything else will get me as motivated to start living the life I'm meant to be living, as the fear of losing her?

I'm really concerned, here. That you've given so much power to someone you've known less than a week ... Decided she's perfect in all ways -sent by God level of perfect- and everything you do, and have been doing regardless of how much it's helped you or how necessary it is to your continued recovery & happiness..., is wrong because she says so?

Holy hopping frogs! How you live your life is none of her durn business! She has no right to "approve" or "disapprove" of your sources of income, your daily itinerary, treatment plan, et cetera. Major et cetera. The only area of influence is where your paths intersect during the day in living together ie paying bills & common space.

The only way your being unemployed can -within rights- negatively affect your roommate is if you fail to pay your share of the bills. That's it.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi -

I see what you are saying about your room mate. I know from my experience it is so easy as a PTSD sufferer to give people power over me. It is a fight to remember that this is my life. And all I can do is work on myself to strengthen the positive qualities I know I have and that what others think about me while I am doing that I have no control over. All I can do is work on regaining the strength and self confidence I had once - to remember to find the wholeness once again within myself and everything else will begin to fall into place.

At least that is what is working for me.

I hope you are able to work it out with your room mate and that you get a job and get back up on your feet soon.

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is the perfect roommate yet you cannot even be yourself in your own home? You may want to rethink the perfect bit!

Honestly, its none of her business where your money comes from, or even if you never work again! I sort of take offense that this NORMAL person would dare judge you. Chances are she would shrivel up into a heap on the floor if she had to deal with just FIVE minutes of PTSD! (Sorry, but yeah...) I hate judgmental people who can sit there and look down on others for not being "normal"....such crap! Instead of embracing differences, you're looked down upon for not being a wage slave who goes to work from 9 to 5 every day just to fit in with the rest of society. Sorry, but this woman is not perfect! If she were my roommate, I'd say she's more on the level of nightmare roommate for being so judgmental.

 

[digger]

Has she actually said anything directly to you about employment or where your money comes from? I've re-read your post several times and all I can see is that she's asked what you've done today....couldn't that just be taking an interest in what you've done today? The rest all seems to be based on impression and interpretation and possibly quite a lot of projection?

Could some of this just be coming from your own insecurity and feelings of inadequacy and expecting her to feel that way about you?

What's confusing me is this...

I really really wanted her to like me :( She has been dropping hints that she isn't comfortable with me being unemployed.

Can you be more specific? What hints?

Every day she asks me what I did that day,

I don't think there's anything sinister about a roommate asking about your day.

There is more tension today, and I was hoping to dispel it by talking to her, but it's still present.

In what ways are you feeling there is tension? Could some of it just be because you are worrying maybe?

I can tell that her impression of me is that of a very lazy person with no ambition, who relies on her family (my source of Complex PTSD) to pay for everything

How can you tell this? Do you have any evidence that this is her impression of you? What has she actually said to make you think that?

. Basically, I just went from not functioning for a few months, to doing great, but instead I feel a resentment coming from a person who I really wanted to like me. I really really feel for her and see her point of view.

What point of view has she actually expressed? All this seems to be coming more from your desperation for her to like you and fear about what she might be thinking, rather than anything coming directly from her, unless there is a lot you missed out from your original post. If it is coming directly from her then why are you so desperate for approval from someone so judgemental?

She is not wrong at all.

Not wrong about what?

I just wish I wouldn't feel so embarrassed and ashamed.

This. This is actually what I think is maybe at the crux of this...

 

[Ancient trees]

Sorry I really don't have energy to reply to all those questions right now :( It just adds to the stress of not being able to explain what it is like to be highly in tune with people's emotions/empathic/highly sensitive, and it adds to the loneliness and the feeling of being judged that I already feel. I asked her about the tension and she said "no". Later tonight she came home, and the tension is still there, so thick I can slice it with a knife. We are not talking like we used to, and she is not as warm towards me as she was just a few days ago - we really opened up to one another, about past relationships, hearbreaks, spiritual journeys, and I felt so close to her. And now I'm thrown into a pool of ice cold water with no explanation. I was so afraid of this!!! I've no idea what's going on and feel miserable. I hate tension in the home. Before the end of the year I'm just going to move to a studio apartment overrun with rats, if I need to... I decided to just shut her out and prevent further disappointment of alienation in a situation in which I was sure I'd find a friend. I can't ask her again, otherwise she will start to freak out. So I'd rather just keep a huge distance :( Maybe I really do have a dark air around me and it poisons everything :cry: f*ck!

 

[bell]

Erm, it's been what, a week? You are putting way too many hopes and dreams into one person, someone you don't even know.

What are the chances this is all projection of your own issues? I.e., what you think she is thinking is what you think of yourself?

If you want to get a job, get a job. If this will help you get out and try it, it may be the kick in the pants you need. Or it may not. Sometimes getting out and off the couch can be a real lifesaver, in the fact it helps you establish a routine and helps you connect with people again, both of which can be real positives.

Also, are you in therapy? As it sounds like you want to get a job and get out there, but may not know how.

And I disagree about the wage slave comment, because having a job does not equal making you a slave.
It gives many people the financial freedom they want, the social outlet they need, and a stabilizing routine.

Personally, not having a job kept me (not saying this is right for everybody) stuck and miserable and worse off than having a job ever did. It literally allowed my own problems to fester instead of heal, as I needed something else to get me out of my own head all the time in order to properly heal. I know that some people say that they can't work with PTSD, but that is not everyone's experience.

 

[joeylittle]

I asked her about the tension and she said "no". Later tonight she came home, and the tension is still there, so thick I can slice it with a knife.

You have to consider that she is telling the truth, and all the tension you feel is actually coming from your own insecurity.

I decided to just shut her out and prevent further disappointment of alienation in a situation in which I was sure I'd find a friend. I can't ask her again, otherwise she will start to freak out. So I'd rather just keep a huge distance

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are actually wrong, and you are just having a classic cognitive distortion (mind-reading), then you will have thrown away a possible friend for no reason. I would encourage you to take her at face value and work on your own self-esteem issues in therapy.

 

[Ancient trees]

Thank you. I was looking for a way to delete my previous comment, because everything shifted. In the morning I did make it a point to tell her that constant communication with my roommate is essential to my well-being. It wasn't necessary to reveal to her that having lived with a manipulative ex-roommate for half a year, and in a constant environment of tension with my ex... that these things did something to me.

So, the tension is coming from me.
It helps when she reaches out. Which is exactly what she did tonight after I had posted my previous message. She asked me about my day and told me about hers. It helped me tremendously.

I've been in good therapy for many years.
I've already noted above that I have two job interviews coming up. (Both of these in response to Bell's questions.)

My original hunch about her was right.

Thank you so much, to each one of you.

As this is no longer about my job situation, but about anxiety, I think it's safe to let go of the topic.. but I'll be mulling over the responses for future reference.

May each one of you have a lovely Full Moon.