Sleep Or Lack Thereof

[Ghostybear73]

I don't sleep but may a couple hours a night. I either wake up in a bad dream or someone is screaming at me to wake up (hallucination of course). The current theory is that my trauma is so extensive that until I process it, I will continue on this pattern. I realized after a couple years that I can't process the trauma until I have the tools to control my SI/HI problems so I went into DBT and am learning those skills, unfortunately it is slow going so I feel like a rat on a wheel.

I have been running on 2 to 3 hours of over a week now because I promised my psychiatrist I would not overtake sleep meds again. I have a problem with a gene (cytochrome P450), which causes an increased liver metabolism and any oral medication that I take works for maybe 2 days or only works for an hour or so. This means that I have a crap load of sleep medication left over from trial and errors. So my psychiatrist is afraid I will overdose to a point of not waking up. I have taken handfuls of halcion, seroquel, klonipin, ambien, trazadone, haldol, benadryl and sinequin (at the same time) many of times, so I doubt that will happen, but even if it does, who cares, I'm tired. In fact, considering my problem I don't think I could overdose.

The maintenance meds that I do take are extremely high dose and frequent enough to keep them working and even that only lasts so long since there is a limit on how much you can take. The benzos work because they are already short term, but only if I take them sparingly. My asthma meds work because they are inhaled and I don't have to worry about my liver metabolizing them.

So Last night after my 2 hours sleep, I got up and was on chat. I started getting super tired so I decided to try for an extra hour, which sometimes work. This time it worked, but the dream I had was so horrendous that I wish I hadn't went for that extra hour. It's like I am damned if I do and damned if i don't. I have catapress to help with the dreams, but again, it only works for a couple hours, so it doesn't get me through the night.

Here's the dilemma and maybe I can get some feedback pr advice. I need some sleep, since I am starting to have serious symptoms of sleep deprivation and I already have hallucinations so I don't want to go there again.

My psychiatrist is out for the week and I'm supposed to go see him when he gets back for the first time in 5 months because it seems useless as to me, but he is working diligently on how to treat me with my other problems and of course, get me some sleep.

Question:

1. Should I just take the handful of pills tonight with a handful of catapress to sleep tonight or wait until I see my doctor next week. I am not a promise breaker, but I am desperate?

2. Do I wait it out and risk landing in the hospital, which could lose me both my jobs, thus my house and everything else I have worked so hard to achieve?

You see, I was so busy surviving and running that I wasn't diagnosed until I gained what one would call, "the good life". I spent my life succeeding (especially at school), even while surviving and running to try to get my mother to notice that I was more than just a person that could be sold for her extra money and pleasure. So, I became somewhat successful while surviving and now that my mind is clear of all that, the PTSD decided to take residence. I can't let it take away what I have worked so hard to achieve, so my choice would be number one, but I am torn because I made a promise.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long :)

Ghosty

 

[desiderata310]

Ghosty, is there a happy medium?
Take a few days off, take med as needed (not handfuls but one after another) along with the catapress and get some sleep that way and send a message to your therapist so that he knows what is going on?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Never give up on your success, its the thing that will sometimes get you through crisis.
And promises? They are worthless, mean barely anything.
If you need to break the promise to keep your sanity, then break it. It might make your theraphyst unhappy for a bit, but if you explain why, then they will understand.

Breaking promises is often the only way to get through.

 

[Tanishq]

Ghosty, I am glad I could make you tired by making you laugh in chats. :D

I hope you don't mind me saying. It comes from my culture. A woman is known by her deeds, For a woman being mother means so much. I think you need to stop looking for approval from your mother. Your mother might be a woman. She isn't much of a mother that you are. You proved yourself, It is good to be your friend here. Your presence is much valuable here. Your mother will never understand nor will ever able to reach the height of your achievements. I understand your emotions that you also want a mother. I understand them. It's perfectly fine to want love and acceptance from one's own mother. That is natural.

Honestly I don't know much about medicines. Actually medicines never seem to help me, nature always helped me to get recharged. So I can't help you much there.

This is all I have to say and a gentle hug to you my friend. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Honestly I don't know much about medicines. Actually medicines never seem to help me, nature always helped me to get recharged. So I can't help you much there.:hug:

I don't know about medicines as well and have been avoiding them. I had around 2 years of theraphy to get back to sufficient normality, and then I was attacked by a guy. He tried to literarly kill me. He picked up a saw, a big one and charged at me.
Since then my PTSD came back.
Aaah, the beautiful few months when there were no nightmares.

If the medicines won't hurt you and they help you keep sane, there isn't much bad in breaking promise. Just like when I get drunk to set myself free a few times a year. When I drink I feel good, but I'm not alcoholic, as it's ussually just twice a year.

 

[RussH]

but even if it does, who cares

I care ghosty! We are in this together remember.
I am going back on my anti anxiety meds today; just so you will know, and hopefully tonight I will have some news for you.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@desiderata310, no there is no happy medium other than interrupted sleep all night. I only know I can take this much without overdosing because I attempted suicide a couple times with this many pills and woke up....a little grumpy, yes, but I slept all night without dreams, so I started doing it every week or so.

@otakujome, I think you may be right, but I am so big on honor and trust and broken promises ruins that for me, I don't want to ruin it for him. Unless I don't tell him, which would cause me guilt :(

@Tanishq, I realized that my mother would never accept and love me about 5 months ago, it hurt and I kind of lost purpose since that was what I was doing everything for, you know. I do have 2 wonderful kids myself and I know that suicide would mess them up so bad. That's not my intention here, just some sleep. And yes, you laughed me to exhaustion......lol. Unfortunately, I had a whooper of a dream (i dont like the word nightmare, it's so final) that I'm not sure the sleep was worth it. Next time, lets go for crying me awake :P

 

[RussH]

ghosty, this is a radical idea, and I don't know if it can be done legally, but what about talking to your doctor about doing an overnight in a hospital with sufficant sedation that would allow you to sleep all night without nightmares? It would put you in a place where you are medicated, and being monitored as the same time.
Like I say I don't know if this is something that can be done, but I am trying to think out of the box for you.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@RussH, I know you and lots of people care....I'm just frustrated, I think since I know I won't OD, I have the I don't care attitude cuz I get a little sleep. I am very glad you are going on the anti-anxiety meds and I hope to hear from you tonight.

Gotta head to work, thanks for the replies so far, they are appreciated

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hope you manage to deal with it.

 

[Ghostybear73]

You know @RussH, after my last surgery, and it was a big one so I was hospitalized. I was given all the good meds and a boatload of them and was up all night. The nurses were a little shocked and it was noted in my chart. My psychiatrist asked if I felt the surgery and I said, "no". I think he might be going along the same thinking as you. Use the general anesthesia......lol. I will see him late next week, but until then.........

 

[Ghostybear73]

Heck, I am maxed out on lithium and my last blood draw came back lower than ever. I really have to start processing, and learn control and I feel like I need to heal faster to sleep, but we all know how that goes.