I Feel Deceived... And Trapped...

[J_trustno1]

Let's start this on a simple re-occurring note. As from all my threads I know that I have been repeating the same stuff but I can't simply help it. The morning happens and my mother visits their house and the evening happens her sister (pedophiles wife) comes to our house. They have their little tea parties or whatever the hell you call it. They are enjoying their "family" time while I am stuck in my room either applying for jobs or feeling betrayed.

I have asked my mother several times to choose between her siblings or me but she refuses to and puts off the matter saying that she can't choose between her family or me because I am her "daughter" (i know! "Daughter" - a word which means deception to me now). All these relations seem fraudulent to me now. I mean where was her love for me when she told me not to tell anyone about the pedophile when I told her when i was little (11yrs of age)? Where was her love for her daughter when her sisters used to give me makeup, wax my legs, bleach my face and do facials on me when i was 12? Where was her love for me when I was forced to work at her brother's restaurant and him making faces at me and chasing me down to my room, plus humiliating me in front of 50+ people on my 13th birthday and him lashing out on me after 1am or 2am when I finished work at his restaurant?

Whenever I try confronting her, I am called insane and mental. Why the hell can't I just stop giving a F*** about these people and mind my own bloody business and worry about my own little miserable life than thinking about them? Why can't I just let go of the feeling of being cheated? I wake up with the same question each morning and which is "why did my mother cheat me?". Yes, she cooks and takes me to my psychologist but why the hell won't she just choose her relatives so that I can just hate her and leave her forever and never look back? I want a permanent answer which I am not getting at all. I feel trapped.

Thanks for listening.

 

[anthony]

I have asked my mother several times to choose between her siblings or me but she refuses to and puts off the matter saying that she can't choose between her family or me

You only see things from your view point, obviously dismissing others... you asked, she rejected, and you don't like her answer. You want her to choose you, but she chose her family, being all of you. IMO, you don't respect others choices, because if you did, you wouldn't be so upset with her about this.

She isn't the one who has to choose anything... you are. Your choices are yours, her choices are hers, you either respect them, or you don't.

 

[J_trustno1]

So it basically means I don't deserve to be here? I don't belong in this house or anywhere near this place? It basically means I am wasting my time?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't understand what you are asking of your mother. Maybe it is your wording of your post

I have asked my mother several times to choose between her siblings or me

it is something a child would say.

 

[J_trustno1]

She has seen them doing all this to me. They have abused her but she still won't leave them. How can you be with people who abused you and your children? My father tried killing her and tried strangling me but she never divorced that man. How can someone be with someone who abuses them or their offspring? I don't get it? They all act as if nothing has happened while I am crying over this almost several times a week. I am the one who is blamed for being abnormal and mentally sick for questioning their behavior. I am told to forget it all because that kind of stuff is "normal".

 

[anthony]

It basically means I am wasting my time?

I think you're wasting your time trying to change your mother, yes. I think you're wasting your time spending so much energy on trying to get her choosing you, that you've lost focus of what you need to do for you. Your life is about YOU! You surround yourself by people you choose to have around you. You choose for you... not for anyone else.

People stay for all sorts of reasons... look at you... you're still at home. You probably have excuses for not moving out of home, finances, medical, so forth... yet options do exist, it would simply mean you would do it harder than you are now. They are choices you make. Stay around the toxic environment with benefits for yourself, or leave, and start out a lot harsher... we all make choices like this every day, and we all own our choices.

You control you, and you only... you don't control anyone else, thus what you want, and what you're going to get, are two very different things. I'm sorry, but that is the realism of life. Life is hard... and we make choices to help ourselves, or make our lives harder, most of the time in our lives.

Some people can forgive and forget, some cannot. One could start throwing around fancy phrases like Stockholm Syndrome or such, making assertions, but your mothers choices can be as simple as what she has already told you... she believes in family, blood is thicker than water, and she may have simply forgiven and forgotten, as people change throughout their lives.

It's like some people in poverty. Some take to the life of poverty and they adapt, they do what they do to survive, they're happy as things are. Some simply don't like it, and they want out. Some complain about not being able to get out their entire lives, never really doing anything substantial to get out of it at any point, always blaming someone or something else... then you have those who step-up, take action and make a different path for themselves, never looking back.

Choices are not always simple, they aren't always going to make our lives easier at a given time... but we own our choices only. What we choose for ourselves, you have to take ownership of and accept. This applies to respecting others choices.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Denial of abuse is common but you can't make her own choices that she makes as an adult. Unfortunately, as you can see with your family the cycle of abuse is real and thankfully you are aware that is not 'normal'.

 

[Tanishq]

Dear @J_trustno1 People are telling you and they will suggest you to move on from your bio mother because it is not healthy. It's not healthy to make others change their mind. It is sort of manipulation. I know you are not bad, you are doing this mistake out of something I don't know.

If you accept your mother as she is and move on, you will unlock doors of other opportunities. We came to this forums, why? Think about it for a moment because there are other things in our life. Life isn't small either, sure it is very short. It is very huge just like a world.

Love and support are two essential things in this life. We lost our mothers, with that our mothers lost us by being abusive and neglectful towards others. That's appreciative at least we tried to reach our mothers where as they never tried to do the same for us. It's their loss, it hurts us because we are aware it's about losing something very important.

Same applies for love as just like Anthony mentioned about choices. It's not like people don't have love, they have, but their priorities are different and in that priority we are not in it. I know this is very hard to accept. Take bit by bit, I assure you, you will feel better.

I accepted that my biological mother is two faced person and loves my siblings more than me, she will be always against me. I also accepted she will never change her bad and bitter personality. Right now I don't have to go down in fight with her. It's little peace in my heart. Now I can focus on my life's other things, such as what to do next slowly.

Such things keep us occupied with something which we will never be able to change.

 

[J_trustno1]

One thing I don't understand is her wanting me to be "normal" to them and greet them when they come home. When I tell her that I dislike them and I cannot be around them or like them, she tells me that "you will never be normal and you will become mental". I mean why is she busy trying to change me while she cannot see what is in front of her eyes? Is she blind or something? Why am I expected to like and be nice to my abusers? I mean if she is blind then I can't change my opinion towards them and have any love for them. They are not welcomed in my life. That's I can say for now.

 

[Jane.l]

She wants you to 'like and be nice' to them because it plays into her denial - if you play along it makes it easier for her to pretend everything is peachy or perhaps she sees doing anything else is futile and 'playing dead' is her way of coping.

They are not welcome in your life - that's totally understandable and probably the best choice but maybe you need to look at getting out, then you can truly move on.

 

[Tanishq]

if you play along it makes it easier for her to pretend everything is peachy or perhaps she sees doing anything else is futile and 'playing dead' is her way of coping.

Yes, possible. Great opinion Jane.

Jess, be nice to them, that might help you to buy more extra time and save your energies rather than going into fights with them. You can work out on your strength, move out and keep them at bay.

I know this is very hard, but I think you can do this. It's not impossible. It may take a while to find new job, but meanwhile you can keep them at bay by playing all nice.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Jane.I: Thanks.
@Tanishq: Thanks. I just avoid talking to them and stay away from them as much as possible because it is very difficult to pretend. It is difficult to tolerate them.