I Feel Deceived... And Trapped...

[KwanYingirl]

@J_trustno1 I identify with the family dynamics that are distressing you. Everyone in a dysfunctional family has a role to live out in order for the system to proliferate. My life is a lot calmer without my family of origin. Each member makes their own decision to either stoke the fires or get out of the burning building.

 

[bell]

I mean why is she busy trying to change me while she cannot see what is in front of her eyes? Is she blind or something? Why am I expected to like and be nice to my abusers?

I think that as others have noted, you have to come to a point where you have to just realize that this is the way it is. At this time, maybe never, there is no changing how your mother thinks, there is only changing how you think.

She is blind in a sense maybe because she sees negative actions, even though they are reactions, from you, too. Therefore, how is she to choose when everyone is either doing bad or acting bad?

 

[digger]

I really think the best thing for you to do is move out @J_trustno1 as long as you are living there, you are going to keep suffering in this way and getting caught up in these thoughts. Actions often speak much louder than words. It's clear your mother isn't able to hear you for whatever reason. You can't make her choices for her, and you can't force her to make the choices you want. What you can do is make your own choices. Shift the focus to what you can do instead of what you would like other people to do.

Your voice in these posts often reminds me of a child or a teenager. That is understandable as that as where a lot of the hurt and damage was done. And at those times you were powerless to make the choices you can make now. But you're an adult now. At 27 (? Sorry if I've remembered that wrong), you really don't have to continue to live at home and put up with this. You couldn't leave then. You can now.

I know you've said in the past that you can't afford to move out, but I'd like to challenge that. I appreciate that you probably can't afford to move out into your ideal place, but I don't believe you need to wait to get your perfect job before you make this move. There are cheaper options. Bedsits. Flatshares. Houseshares. No, maybe not what you want long term, but would living in a bit of a dive for a bit really be any worse than putting yourself through what you're putting yourself through everyday at the moment, living where you are? I lived in some proper shitholes and worked some really crappy jobs in my teens and early twenties. It was better than going 'home'.

Get proactive about moving. Channel the energy you're currently using getting upset about other people's actions into your own actions. Use this to get yourself fired up about getting out. Look at how much you currently pay your mum towards rent and bills and food etc and do the maths to work out what you can afford. Start putting every spare penny away for a deposit and first rent.

Taking your own independence, making your own choices, will give you much more power than it will coming from anyone else.

 

[Lucycat]

I have asked my mother several times to choose between her siblings or me but she refuses to

Yes, she cooks and takes me to my psychologist but why the hell won't she just choose her relatives so that I can just hate her and leave her forever and never look back?

My brother's wife sent a letter to my mother telling her she *had* to divorce my ( paedophile) father or she would never see her 2 grandsons ( her only grandchildren) ever again. My mother chose to stay with my father. After 5 years she has now seen the grandsons but the relationship is done.

I never asked my mother to make a choice. I knew she would not choose me, so I did not want to go there. The compromise is that she never mentions my father to me at all. Not his name, not what they are doing, nothing. It is like he is not there - but I know that he is.

However I accept this situation is a little easier for me as I don't live anywhere near her. I speak with her on my terms - ie I answer the phone only if I am in the mood to do so.

I don't feel like my mum has made the right choices. But they were her choices not mine. I would still like to have her in my life so I have to accept her decision.

 

[saraheart]

I can only speak of my situation and perhaps this will help you. My mother has been abused by family members and when I was younger I couldn't understand why she still allowed them into her life. I have come to realize that I don't have to allow these people into my life, I do however have to be cordial when I am around them (I try not to be around them). I also have come to accept my mother is not capable of dealing with the pain that has to come when you face your abuser and dismiss them from your life. For my mother, that would be like being abused all over again. She'd rather stay in a place of acceptance as the abuse wont happen again (it's been years now) and go on with her life, not completely acknowledging it. My mother has PTSD and there is only so much she can handle. I applaud my mother for making it to the place she's at now and I have learned to accept what she can handle and can't handle. Who am I to add to her stress? Who am I to judge her? I would imagine you've been in a relationship (depending on your age of course) that wasn't healthy and you stayed. We've all done it. That's what love does to us sometimes. Let's face it, that's why most of us are on this site right? We love men and women who are destructive to our hearts and yet we find the space to accept them and try to help them.

Anyway, my point being is you stayed in a relationship far longer than you should have because you choose to. No one was going to talk you out of it until you were ready. Your mother isn't ready and you pushing her into making a choose is only making her build more walls and hide behind them. And probably making her feel guilty for being such a horrible person who doesn't love herself enough to not allow an abuser into her life, even if it is family. That's not fair to her or you. So, give it up. Let it go and accept your mother for who she is. The sooner you can do this, the sooner she has room to breathe and who knows she may be able to get to the point where she can see her surroundings for what they are. If not, then not. you can't force it. You're only hurting you and her more and what is the point in that?

 

[Ann Barry]

Let's start this on a simple re-occurring note. As from all my threads I know that I have been repeat...

Hi. I'm responding to your post from almost 2 years ago. I know what you mean. I obsess/think about it all the time. I feel the need too [want to say to sister not mother] "Be in with both feet for me" OR "Get gone & stay gone". Yet, either-or is not realistic. I expect a lot as a lot of hurt was done. Wonder how things went? How things are now? Any change or improvement? Any advice? Thank you.