Feels Safe & Isn't

[Friday]

Another thread got me thinking about how when I'm doing well I refuse to sleep with anything (lamps, alarm clocks, etc.) in arms reach... Because in a nightmare, I will weaponize anything. And blushed beet red, because I'm currently sleeping with a machete. Whoops. Okay. Yeah. That's bad. Stop that. :banghead:

I don't wanna. It feels safe. Firearm in my messenger bag, machete in bed, staying awake as long as possible... All these things feel safe, and simply aren't. They're the opposite of safe. So I got to thinking about other things I do, mostly subconsciously, for the same reasons. Was wondering if y'all might do that, too.

Here's my short list so far:

- Weapons in reach, at all times.
- Stay awake as long as possible, sleep as little as possible
- Don't talk. About anything. Ever.
- If I do talk, run. &/or 'baffle them with bullshit' (obfuscate)
- Being alone.

 

[Friday]

Ugh. Case in point. I should have added this onto another thread / can't delete new threads. Exposed, much? Yuck.

 

[bell]

I think this post is very brave. Job well done, you. :)

 

[Seagreen]

I do some of those things. Learning to put my guard down is something I havent conqured yet. So im watching this post. Thank you for posting about this.

 

[scout86]

- Don't talk. About anything. Ever.
- If I do talk, run. &/or 'baffle them with bullshit' (obfuscate)
- Being alone.

Those 3, for sure. Wait, There's a problem with being alone?

The only time I've ever slept with a weapon handy was when I lived in FL. But, I sleep better with the bulldog on the bed, does that count? Actually, my T says the whole "I don't wanna go to sleep!" thing might be more ADHD that PTSD,

I think, of all those things, talking when I probably shouldn't is the worst. (Since I don't sleep with a weapon!)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You have PTSD and have a firearm in your bag? Dear God I hope you live nowhere near me. PTSD and guns don't mix (I don't care who you are or how much you say you can responsibly handle it. This post proves your not all that stable.)

 

[Chava]

I relate to lots of that. I don't keep a huge knife under my pillow any more, though I have some stuff close by. I am willing to knock myself out with sedatives. I just couldn't function with poor sleep anymore. My house itself feels safe and my dog is insanely sensitive to anything that's off. And while he's a sweetheart, he's wicked strong and smart.

 

[Friday]

@Solara I know it. As I said, feels safe, & isn't. The potential for things to become very serious, very fast, rises exponentially the moment firearms are brought into the equation.

Just like sleep dep impairs judgment and reaction time, being alone is one of the more dangerous things I can think of (woods, city, or empty room), and keeping my own council is about stupid. Everything up there is stupid and dangerous. That's kind of the point. Just because a thing makes me feel safer, doesn't mean that's the case. In fact, most of the things that make me feel safe right now, are doing so by feeding me enough adrenaline to go calm. A version of self medicating that is only 1 step removed from some seriously risky behaviors. Trying to back away from both. Or, at least, trying to look at things rationally. Figure out which things are needed and useful, and which things make me feel safe, when in fact that's just a feeling. The whole 'listen to your instincts, don't be a slave to them' thing. My instincts say 'Stay awake, always be armed, don't trust anyone, keep yer mouth shut, and keep moving'.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't wanna. It feels safe. Firearm in my messenger bag, machete in bed, staying awake as long as possible... All these things feel safe, and simply aren't. They're the opposite of safe.

Yep. Mine include a Russian roulette kind of self harm, I only recently retired the knife under the pillow, isolation, walking dangerous places so I can "prove" to myself I can, minimizing symptoms to my doctors. A few others probably.

You're not alone. It really affects me when I know something isn't helpful for me but I give in to the urge anyway.

 

[scout86]

keeping my own council is about stupid.

I get the feeling that you're serious about this.......

Today, in therapy, my T asked if I remembered why I contacted him in the first place. I do, actually. (I was sort of alternating between investigating the "best" methods of suicide and investigating therapy online. Wrote and deleted several emails then one day hit "send" and found there was no way to take it back.)

I don't always completely answer his questions at the time. Keeping my own counsel, I guess. Anyway, I've been thinking about some things he said all afternoon. I actually have an email written to him. (He encourages me to email between sessions.) I'm sort of debating about hitting "send". It really DOES seem like keeping my mouth shut is "safer". Are you saying that, somehow, it's not? How does that work, exactly? I'm kind of under the impression that "Anything you say can and will be used against you..."

 

[desiderata310]

I still sleep with a knife under my pillow. Have for years.
Same thing with staying awake. Waking up at the slightest sound.
Careful that I don't tell anyone anything ever.
Yeah... I get it.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Weapons in reach, at all times.
- Stay awake as long as possible, sleep as little as possible

Seriously, almost everything in the house, I have considered how to use in the event of defense. From iron cast skillets to the kitchen knifes, toilet tops, laptops, stilettos (I have actually found them very handy:clown:), lamps, my canes, carpet gun stapler- ohhh my power-tool selection :angelic: and my sports collection of baseball bats and the list goes on.

So what is with the guilt of having a designated item that is deemed a weapon?:geek: Oh and using weapons responsibly ...yeah, I have certifications and so do my police,Marine,Navy, Air force, Army ect friends that have PTSD too.

Actually, my T says the whole "I don't wanna go to sleep!" thing might be more ADHD that PTSD,

Me too! lol...but PTSD certainly didn't help.

So @FridayJones , you want to go weaponless and preppy, let me know...I will give you my address for you to send me your cool collection!:tup: I could use an upgrade.:clown: