A
ashley m.
Hello to whom ever reads this,
I've been going to a therapist for diagnostic testing, during the whole time he would say he was purplexed with what I have been experiencing, ( I suffer from memory loss, short and long term, my memory has gotten so bad in my report he wrote frequently I am not a reliable in giving my autobiography memories, and he would have to repeat the question because I forgot so fast and hed have to ask my mother who had to speak on my behalf because my lack of memory.)random fits of rage, flashback spells ( I didn't know that's what was happening until my diagnosis two days ago) I have issues sleeping, trusting people, instant memory loss of a fit of my rage or of something that was asked me that can upset me and many more "symptoms" of ptsd.
So on my 2nd to last apt with my Dr he revealed answers to some of my questions from the mmpi2 I got so upset and felt that awful feeling I get before I blacked out due to emotions and started crying and asking my mom to leave I was upset because I could not remember why I felt that way and could not explain it, but I knew it was true because I said it... So I went home very emotionally bothered which lead my head to think about why I can't remember what else can't I remember.
then it happened I remembered for 3 years of my life starting at the age of 14 I was in an abusive relationship, physical and mental, it had gotten so bad it lead to the event of me being choked so hard I had bruises all over my neck. How can I "forget" that?! So my last apt I told my Dr about what I had remembered and wow I've never seen a Dr so happy, he said he finally found the missing piece to the puzzle and the report of my diagnosis needed to be changed because he was at a loss with me before I talked to him about it( mind you he asked me numerous times during my visits and my mother " has anything tratraumatic happened to you" " are you sure no trauma") he called me smart and told me he was proud of me and that the next step is therapy and I expreexpressed my issues with that about, well I don't want to remember and what if it makes me worse, he said it would in the beginning, and he can't promise anything but that's where to start. I told him I want to get depression medication before anything because after remembering and having random images of awfulness put me in a hole I felt I could not escape. He agreed( I see my pcp Tuesday for that)
Anf that was it the apt was over he told me to pick up the new report the next day (today) and off we went.
I felt a sense of relief knowing someone has finally been able to figure out what was wrong with me so I was happy.
but then I went to my friends house that evening and her and her b.f were fighting I became very upset and sad memories came back and I ended up leaving not long after I got there and the car ride home I found myself thinking wait a second what the he'll do I do now, I just get this bomb dropped on me and I'm alone in my car with my mom who knew and my b.f and 2 random family members and no one is talking to me about it no one's helping me. I got home that evening and cried to my b.f and he comfortaded me, and I tried to sleep, literally did not get a solid ten minutes in my mind was racing. Woke up for work at 3 am the whole day at work was spent depressed thinking about what happened. As soon as I got off I went to go get my diagnostic report.
while reading the 7 page long report I sobbed alone in my car trying to understand all of it, is this real? If it was truly traumatic how did I so easily forget? But realising I have most of the symptoms, along with the thought of I went to a Dr to get diagnostic testing done to fix my life and now it seams the worse it ever has been I have been diagnosed with ptsd I am 22 years old I've been suffering for years all the signs were apparent but no one put the pieces to my puzzle together, it felt aawful ( I'm sure some of you can relate)
after I cried about the report and read it again then went to my mom's and she called me when I was a mile away from her house, still crying I picked up the phone she asked what's wrong I told her to just make sure the kids are busy so I can talk about it when I get there. When I arrived (still crying) she said what's up, what's going on, I said everything I feel awful, she asked about me getting my report I told her I did and she wanted to se it I showed her she read it and just seamed so non schalaunt about what was happening to me and said well did you think there was a pill you could take the Dr told you these things yesterday ( not that I remembered) and just kinda dropped it so I left.
When my b.f came home the same thing he gave me a hug though, but it wasn't talked about, so here it is what I want to talk to anyone about,
why does it seams like everyone is just happy they figured out what my problem was, but no one is saying anything, how am I supposed to deal with the memories and in my opinion and llife occurring diagnosis when no one wants to talk about it. I feel like it's a big deal and it should be talked about you know get a support system. When will the shock of being diagnosed with this fade away, I feel like it's upset me more in the past two days than ever due to knowing I have ptsd I need that gone, and honestly what the heck do I do from here I'm stuck. Will I always feel so alone because no one around me understands or is going through what I am, this is the loneliest i remember feeling.
I've been going to a therapist for diagnostic testing, during the whole time he would say he was purplexed with what I have been experiencing, ( I suffer from memory loss, short and long term, my memory has gotten so bad in my report he wrote frequently I am not a reliable in giving my autobiography memories, and he would have to repeat the question because I forgot so fast and hed have to ask my mother who had to speak on my behalf because my lack of memory.)random fits of rage, flashback spells ( I didn't know that's what was happening until my diagnosis two days ago) I have issues sleeping, trusting people, instant memory loss of a fit of my rage or of something that was asked me that can upset me and many more "symptoms" of ptsd.
So on my 2nd to last apt with my Dr he revealed answers to some of my questions from the mmpi2 I got so upset and felt that awful feeling I get before I blacked out due to emotions and started crying and asking my mom to leave I was upset because I could not remember why I felt that way and could not explain it, but I knew it was true because I said it... So I went home very emotionally bothered which lead my head to think about why I can't remember what else can't I remember.
then it happened I remembered for 3 years of my life starting at the age of 14 I was in an abusive relationship, physical and mental, it had gotten so bad it lead to the event of me being choked so hard I had bruises all over my neck. How can I "forget" that?! So my last apt I told my Dr about what I had remembered and wow I've never seen a Dr so happy, he said he finally found the missing piece to the puzzle and the report of my diagnosis needed to be changed because he was at a loss with me before I talked to him about it( mind you he asked me numerous times during my visits and my mother " has anything tratraumatic happened to you" " are you sure no trauma") he called me smart and told me he was proud of me and that the next step is therapy and I expreexpressed my issues with that about, well I don't want to remember and what if it makes me worse, he said it would in the beginning, and he can't promise anything but that's where to start. I told him I want to get depression medication before anything because after remembering and having random images of awfulness put me in a hole I felt I could not escape. He agreed( I see my pcp Tuesday for that)
Anf that was it the apt was over he told me to pick up the new report the next day (today) and off we went.
I felt a sense of relief knowing someone has finally been able to figure out what was wrong with me so I was happy.
but then I went to my friends house that evening and her and her b.f were fighting I became very upset and sad memories came back and I ended up leaving not long after I got there and the car ride home I found myself thinking wait a second what the he'll do I do now, I just get this bomb dropped on me and I'm alone in my car with my mom who knew and my b.f and 2 random family members and no one is talking to me about it no one's helping me. I got home that evening and cried to my b.f and he comfortaded me, and I tried to sleep, literally did not get a solid ten minutes in my mind was racing. Woke up for work at 3 am the whole day at work was spent depressed thinking about what happened. As soon as I got off I went to go get my diagnostic report.
while reading the 7 page long report I sobbed alone in my car trying to understand all of it, is this real? If it was truly traumatic how did I so easily forget? But realising I have most of the symptoms, along with the thought of I went to a Dr to get diagnostic testing done to fix my life and now it seams the worse it ever has been I have been diagnosed with ptsd I am 22 years old I've been suffering for years all the signs were apparent but no one put the pieces to my puzzle together, it felt aawful ( I'm sure some of you can relate)
after I cried about the report and read it again then went to my mom's and she called me when I was a mile away from her house, still crying I picked up the phone she asked what's wrong I told her to just make sure the kids are busy so I can talk about it when I get there. When I arrived (still crying) she said what's up, what's going on, I said everything I feel awful, she asked about me getting my report I told her I did and she wanted to se it I showed her she read it and just seamed so non schalaunt about what was happening to me and said well did you think there was a pill you could take the Dr told you these things yesterday ( not that I remembered) and just kinda dropped it so I left.
When my b.f came home the same thing he gave me a hug though, but it wasn't talked about, so here it is what I want to talk to anyone about,
why does it seams like everyone is just happy they figured out what my problem was, but no one is saying anything, how am I supposed to deal with the memories and in my opinion and llife occurring diagnosis when no one wants to talk about it. I feel like it's a big deal and it should be talked about you know get a support system. When will the shock of being diagnosed with this fade away, I feel like it's upset me more in the past two days than ever due to knowing I have ptsd I need that gone, and honestly what the heck do I do from here I'm stuck. Will I always feel so alone because no one around me understands or is going through what I am, this is the loneliest i remember feeling.
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