Right Or Wrong

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know the most important issue I have to figure out is my great problem with figuring out what is right and what is wrong. I can't make decisions especially ones that don't have a clear right or wrong or they might seem right for me but when viewed from someone else it would be wrong. Of course if you get really logical, these things don't actually have a right or a wrong.

Last night I had some alarming physical symptoms (either really strong psychosomatic ones or "real" ones). I freaked out so much I told my husband. We had a choice of trying to schedule an appointment with my regular doctor for next week or going to the ER. I had no idea what the "right" thing to do was. I hate the ER, but if there was something seriously wrong waiting for an appointment for next week seemed unwise. My husband ended up making the decision to bring me to the ER. I got so triggered by so many things there that I had to switch to my "get things done" part to leave the hospital and I am sure I was muttering about not liking people while she was in control as that's kind of what she does.

When I got home, I couldn't get to sleep because my little part was so upset by everything that had gone one. It didn't feel safe to go to bed. I sat up for an extra hour. I went to bed at 1 and I was supposed to get up at 5:30. I had restless dreams and nightmares. My son woke me up at 3:30 for a band-aid and at first I told him we'd fix it in the morning (it wasn't bleeding), but then I felt guilty and like I was a bad mom so I got up and got him a band-aid.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed, I decided not to go to the staff development meeting before school. I felt like that was a very wrong thing to do, but would hopefully allow me time to get together so I could go to school before the students got there. Before I even got out of bed, I started crying and crying and crying (crying is not always something that is easy so this was extreme for me). I wanted to stay home, but I know that there's nothing physically wrong with me so I ought to go to school. I know that the principal is encouraging me to come to school as much as possible. I know that the eyes of the community are watching my absences and I can't afford them to disapprove. I also knew that I was not in emotional shape to just plow through the day like I often can when I am emotionally upset.

I couldn't decide. I asked my friend. She said stay home. But she didn't have the authority I needed. I e-mailed my therapist who also told me it was okay to stay home. I tried to put in for a sub. I couldn't actually do it. I called my mom- big mistake- she told me to go to school, that was my job and my great students were waiting for me and that some days we feel like hiding but we can't. So I went to school.

That was a mistake. I was shaking and crying before the students got there and trying to pull myself together. I knew the only way that I could let myself go home was if I got permission from the principal. The secretary called her because she was out of the building. I tried to explain that I needed to go home but felt I couldn't because it would be wrong. She told me to stay. The secretary talked to her later and apparently my principal changed her mind. They got me a sub.

Now I am sitting at home. I am relieved to be at home. But I feel like everything I have done in the last 24 hours was wrong. I can't handle feeling like I am wrong. I also wish I could have made the decision to stay home earlier and not caused all the drama I did by trying to go to school. I just can't ever figure out what is right and what is wrong and I hate feeling so wrong. I just want to curl up and hide and never ever ever come out.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug:

Does it need to be a matter of right or wrong? That's a very black and white way to look at it. Maybe this is an opportunity to use a little CBT and challenge your thoughts that you need to be right or wrong. It sounds like you made the best decisions you could, and did so with great intent for things to work out well.

The thing is, even if we make all the "right" decisions, crappy stuff can still happen. And sometimes, even when we make the wrong decisions, things can still work out ok if we just keep trying and hang on through it.

Also, there is a difference between making a wrong decision and being wrong. You are not wrong. You did the best you could (which I think you did a great job handling it all) and maybe one option is to give yourself some grace. I know, so easy to say, so hard to do. I struggle a lot with this myself.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Justmehere - Thanks. That's exactly why I need to work on it- it is a very black and white way to look at it, but it is so very ingrained in me that I have been unable to work on it. I made progress the other day in that I stated it (that I need to figure out the right-wrong thing) out loud to my therapist without having a panic attack. Even talking or reading about the CBT stuff to challenge my thoughts is hard to do because then I feel like my thoughts are wrong and I get all panicky or shut-down. But I do thank you for you comments and reassurance because the more I can receive that message the more I might be able to allow myself to consider working on it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

How about other cognitive challenges such as:

• "What do I WANT to do?"
• "What is the healthiest option?"
• "What will help me heal the most?"
• "What would be more enjoyable...take the least time...be most adventurous?"

Then, follow up by using self-comforting statements such as "I can always change my mind...try the other...see what happens...get some help if it isn't working out.." and one of my favorites that I said over and over, even though I didn't believe it for months. "I can handle whatever happens."

We can say these things in our head, even if we don't believe them.

 

[RussH]

PTSD affects our confidence; it lies to us and tells us we can't or we are not capable of doing something. When our confidence is affected, then it makes it hard for use to make a decision, and then trust that we have made the right decison.
PTSD is a great one to make us second guess, then third guess any kind of decison; even decisons that are not right and wrong decisions.

I hope you are doing better.

 

[Seasounds]

I just can't ever figure out what is right and what is wrong and I hate feeling so wrong. I just want to curl up and hide and never ever ever come out.

Sorry for the discomfort you went through, and may still be going through.

I so relate to your situation, that I want to pass along, how I find it difficult to make decisions, especially when caught between a rock and a hard place (e.g. Taking time off of work--when you don't feel up to work, and calling in sick--when you know you aren't up to the stress at work, and worrying about being right or wrong).

In brief, I liked how it worked out; that the school got to see, first hand, your need for a day off. That can make a big difference, in the long run, of their believing your reporting. Good for you!

And what a good mom, for taking care of yourself, and still caring about your kids. Remember, your kids know you care, even if you don't have the energy, all the time, to be perfect. I hope your symptoms got better! I hope you son is fine.

A few more things:

• I never mean to cause drama, nor do I think you do. You did a good job of trusting yourself-that something was wrong, and trusting your husband-to make a decision when you were overwhelmed. It sounds like it helped, rule out danger, and it was good teamwork!
• Entering medical systems and emergency departments can be very traumatizing, since letting the medical team be in control, challenges the common PTSD, of being out of control. The need you had and have for a safe place, after going though that experience, is totally understandable, from my experience. Good for you to allow that self-care!
• Depending on your experience, you may have need to process it, for a while. Be easy on your self.
• I've played with getting out of right or wrong thinking-since it is a stressful, dissociative trap. I've reframed it as, weighing all the work and personal needs, which choice seems wisest for me to take?
• And I have a back pocket plan, to help move me out of fear, of making a "wrong" choice. I remind myself that choices are just choices, learning processes, and daily risks-which I have the support to deal with. I also use a list of positive traits, to switch my brain.
• And in therapy, if there is a childhood trauma, regarding right and wrong, I release the emotions in therapy.

Be kind to yourself.:)

 

[scout86]

because then I feel like my thoughts are wrong

I'm not sure your thoughts can actually BE wrong. They are just your thoughts. They might be rational, or not so rational, useful or not so useful, but they can't actually be "wrong".

My personal "thing" is that I worry about what I'm "supposed" to do. I generally have no problem figuring out what I want to do and I know what seems "right", to me. But, traditionally, there have been people in the position to pass judgement who disagreed with my assessment and told me that I wasn't doing what I was "supposed" to do. And, in childhood especially, I was supposed to guess and guess accurately or else. It's a similar situation, but not exactly the same.

If "all" you're worried about is doing the "right" thing, can you just keeping trying solutions until you hit one that you like? In this particular situation, I think YOU knew what the "right" thing was at every turn. 1) You decided to let your husband decide on the hospital. Brave choice, considering you knew how difficult you find emergency rooms to be. 2) You knew you kind if needed a day off from work. You may not have trusted you judgement, but you would have made the right call if you'd gone with your own impulse.

Who gets to decide what "right" is, do you know?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you everyone. Reading your responses is really helping me feel less alone and less miserable.

How about other cognitive challenges such as:

• "What do I WANT to do?"
• "What is the healthiest option?"
• "What will help me heal the most?"
• "What would be more enjoyable...take the least time...be most adventurous?"

This is the kind of thing I am trying to think about. It didn't help this morning, but this is the kind of thing I want to be able to do- ask and answer these kinds of things.

@change - your response was great. I still feel physically sore and "ill", but I think at this point it's more emotional. My son was fine- he still sucks his fingers at night and since he has teeth, he develops sores on his fingers from time to time. You list is very helpful.

I'm not sure your thoughts can actually BE wrong. They are just your thoughts. They might be rational, or not so rational, useful or not so useful, but they can't actually be "wrong".

My therapist says this to me all the time. So far that knowledge doesn't quite sink in.

And, in childhood especially, I was supposed to guess and guess accurately or else.

That's where this stems from. But there's an added layer that makes it even harder.

Who gets to decide what "right" is, do you know?

It's like you've been talking to my therapist. ;) She has asked me that before. Yesterday she asked if I would like to be the one to make the decisions. I would very much like that, but I feel like I don't have that kind of control...yet.

Again, thanks everyone.

 

[scout86]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve , I haven't been talking to your T, but maybe I've actually been listening to MINE! How cool is that?

You mentioned that there's an added layer that makes it harder. What's the layer? (Just curious.)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I haven't been talking to your T, but maybe I've actually been listening to MINE! How cool is that?

That made me smile. The added layer is not easy to explain (mainly because I don't understand/know all of it yet), but it's that the childhood abuse that kept be having to guess what the right way to act was got very connected to the childhood sexual abuse that I experienced. The abusers are not the same person. I am just starting to learn about this through my parts so that's why it's a bit vague.

 

[scout86]

Thanks for the reply!

That's kind of interesting. My situation is a bit similar, as far as the background goes. My T commented once that he's not sure I could dissociate if I wanted too, though, so we've responded by going in different directions. My talks a lot about "parts" in a none DID sense of the term, and it's something I'm not real comfortable with for some reason. It never ceases to amaze me, the different things our brains can decide to use to keep us "safe".

I've also got to tell you, you're kind of one of my heroes here, because you're so brave when it comes to throwing things out into the open for discussion.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I've also got to tell you, you're kind of one of my heroes here, because you're so brave when it comes to throwing things out into the open for discussion.

Um, thanks. I certainly don't feel brave when I post, just desperate, but thanks nonetheless.