Relationship His Words Sting...

[Deleted member 28360]

I need to vent again. Ive been nothing but patient and understanding and in return I get a cold shoulder/no response.
I reached out to him because I wanted to talk/see him over the weekend, and I was not getting a response. I didn't know if he was ok because he is depressed and has thoughts of suicide from time to time. SO, yes I "pushed" from his perspective, but asking your spouse to respond saying he is ok or at least answer the call, should not be a huge deal. As a result, to him, I was being too much. He told me to back off and to give him space. I understand boundaries. I told him to let me know if he couldn't hang out to just communicate that with me. Key word: communicate! Mind you throughout this I was being calm and patient. He then turned very abusive throughout text, which then I told him to stop, but he continue being condescending. A day prior we were great! When I asked why he was sooo busy that he couldn't make time to pick up the phone, he told me it was none of my business (G rated version). His words cut me. This situation hurts me. My heart aches.

He's been in my life over 3+years, yes he has needed to isolate, yes Im familiar with ptsd and have read and done so much research like It was a school project, but this time around was different. How can one question just flip him?! I was coming from a place of concern. Im still genuinely concerned. The convo ended with him telling me he was going to tech me a lesson and go dark. I responded with please let me know you are ok. Haven't heard back from him.

Im debating on texting him maybe in a few days if I don't hear anything. The longest we have gone without speaking was 3 days, but I know he checks my Facebook page. Which reminds me, I log into Facebook today and I see he posted a picture of him eating out, all smiles! Wow! So much for going dark. Or perhaps just going dark on me which hurts because Im the one that has spent weekends at the VA ER, Im the one that is there when he is down, He calls me his rock, but I can't help feeling like a doormat and used which is not a great feeling. How is asking your spouse to answer or text you back bad? What is he doing that he is so busy that he can't answer? And then my insecurities come into play...major!
Question is: for sufferers, do I wait of him to contact me or do i contact in a few days? He already told me back off so I don't want to seem over bearing but I am also concern he doesn't do anything harmful to himself. I hate this feeling and feeling like this. Maybe if I would have not pushed or asked, but in my point of view those are legit questions to ask someone that your are with?
My insecurities also ignite because he is so secretive. I just don't know what to do. Oddly, enough my body is drained but I feel peace inside of me.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them!

I have learnt that getting no response is better than getting an angry or nasty response. Its very painful when you are trying so hard to be supportive and understanding. I honestly don't know which is worse - copping a blast of bad temper when I KNOW to the core of my being that I have done NOTHING to deserve it or copping a blast of bad temper when I have made a minor mistake or said something innocently that sets him off.

 

[Larksong]

@Losinghope11 Hi! I'm not a "sufferer" only a very new "supporter," but I'll try to help through my experience with the man I love, a combat ptsd "sufferer." Of course you need to vent, and of course you're worried about him! I'm right there with you. I don't think your response was "wrong" or "bad," it was perfectly normal. The problem is, I think, that the eyes of ptsd see things differently than we do. I think that we who don't share that condition need to try as hard as we can to clear our perceptions of what "normal" communication and interaction are, because our loved ones don't have the same framework for them we do. What seems to us like a "normal" request for routine contact can appear to them as an enormous and unfair demand on the little bit of emotional resources they have left at the moment.

When my loved one has isolated or pulled away from me, I've often heard from friends that he's been out with them at various activities--that hurts and is hard to understand! Yet I've learned that it often means he just can't deal with deep or intense contact with someone very close to him just then.

Your word "sting" really hit home to me. I've been bitterly "stung" several times with the way my loved one speaks to me when he's about to isolate. When I didn't know anything about ptsd, I once responded in the worst way possible, by getting frustrated when he couldn't communicate the way I needed him to. I've realized since that my words to him then were all centered around the "I" in the interaction, how his behavior was making "my" life difficult, how he was hurting and confusing "me." It seemed like that only made him shut me out more. I wish now that I'd focused more on the "him" in the equation, and instead asked him what he needed from me--it's simply that in that state, what he needed was all he could deal with. This is not to say that your needs aren't important, or that you are wrong to be concerned about him, only to say that maybe when he's like this, the way you're speaking with him may be more than he can handle and therefore unhelpful in the long run to either of you. Take a deep breath, step back for a minute, and see if you think that might be the case here.

I keep reading on this forum that when "sufferers" say they need space, they really mean it! You're the one who knows your guy best, of course, but here's just one other view from me. I think that if I really seriously thought he was a danger to himself, I'd contact one of his close friends who knows his situation, or his therapist, and share that information. If not, I think I'd wait at least a few days or a week, then just send a short and simple message something like: I'm sorry I pushed at you. I was concerned and trying to help and didn't realize I'd pushed too hard. I just want you to know that I'm here for you and that I care. It would mean a lot to me to know just that you're ok as soon as you're able to tell me that. I hope you'll tell me if I can help.

You said:

My insecurities also ignite

That might be a key part of what you're asking us to give you perspective about. Our own insecurities can run away with us at these times, that's normal too. But he is seeing the whole situation very likely differently than you are--I've learned that from my experiences. He's only seeing his need to get some distance--he may not be able to see anything beyond that. I've learned that it's not helpful for you or him if you allow your own insecurities to have you running around like a hamster in a wheel. It might help to take some time for yourself to get your own distance and perspective. Chasing your own tail on the "what is he doing? why doesn't he get in touch?" wheel can soon spiral you into an emotional pit that's unhealthy for either of you. Ultimately, do you really want to know why he's doing these things, or do you just want to help both of you move forward from this crisis? I think "Why" and "how can he" are not useful questions right now. Your trusting him to have this time he needs to himself may give him the positive feelings and sense of security he needs to return sooner.

I hope this helps! Hugs if you accept them!

 

[Recovery4Me]

I reached out to him because I wanted to talk/see him over the weekend

but asking your spouse

:hug: Sorry you hurt.
I am confused, is he active duty? Does he reside with you?

The reason I am asking is that it can makes a difference in the manner of their thinking set. I am a x-navy wife so the rub on communication can be pretty common placed and was often discussed in group therapy for the spouses to assist with intimacy levels.

 

[Deleted member 28360]

@Larksong wow...might have to use that? Thank you for your kind words. I wish the convo didn't escalate the way it did, but honestly I didn't think he would react that way. I'm going to give it a few days for it is still fresh. Although I want to wait until he contacts me again. He said we would see each other tomorrow but I will wait to see if he contacts me. This is so upsetting. Thank you for kind words.
How do get over it him avoiding you but being able to interact with other friends?

@Sighs yes, it is devastating. When I needed him he was nowhere to be found. I'm just afraid that if I give too much space someone else might come into the pic. I never wanted to upset him. I want to give space but let him know that I'm still here. How do I do that without pushing him further? It's a tough spot. Frustrating.

 

[Deleted member 28360]

@Recovery4Me he is a former marine suffering from combat ptsd after two tours overseas. He has been in an explosion. All I know he is off meds bc he didn't like how it made him feel. I'm trying to understand the last part of your post.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Losinghope11
Understood, I resided for years @ NAS man made island base where many service people coexisted for national security concerns.

It makes a difference if you are sanctioned as legally married in order to receive the assistance offered by various branches of service for these "periods". That is a touchy but necessary baseline for family marriage intervention by gov professionals under the service benefits. There are avenues of therapy + additional service groups available.

I will try to explain it, perhaps inadequately so, but I will try. Our husbands/wives during that time, faced many things outside of our neat social constructs, outside our understanding unless we were in combat or in their shoes...and maybe even then their eyes saw too much. They left us one way and came home another as someone else.

Communication with us became a hard reminder of who they once were and many of the marriages were falling apart in many family areas. The authorities held group therapy meetings (then individual sessions) to try to educate us on what to expect insofar as new control issues in family dynamics, allowance of space, not expecting to gauge what is "normal" to us in textbook marriages or pop culture to be available for a bit...if ever exactly in those manners.

So, I am suggesting that if you are legally married to seek through the service channels therapy. Especially if he is on meds, (whether or not he is compliant in taking them) there is a reason and understanding some of the factors can be offered during such. As well you can determine if you are willing to undertake the task or really want to live this way. :hug: You have a choice, however, in the moment he may not understand he has choices too or want to deal with healing himself, or your union.

His acting out is his way of trying to control his life. I am not condoning any action, but I have lived it in a service marriage and also have PTSD. I wish for you the best, and much of that can come from education of the concern, knowing oneself and what one needs. Sometimes it may take therapy to assist.
Peace and love to you both.