Crappy People At The Conference

[desiderata310]

Not sure where to post this. Mods ... well, you know what to do.

I'm at a conference. I have been all week. It's been stressful because it's in Vegas and it's noisy, obnoxious, smelly, bright and the city isn't much better.

I've been stressed about going and looking forward to this conference for months because it is an opportunity to be around geeky industry people, talk shop, and reconnect with folks I haven't seen in a couple of years.

For the most part I've made it through ok. I've seen a couple of people who look like my abuser and that set me off pretty badly. I spent the first three days in a class room learning all sorts of cool stuff.

My first day here was bad. I got checked into the hotel and went back down to wait on a coworker when a guy came up behind me, put his hand on the small of my back, slid it around low and on my hip and started asking me about what drugs I had. I freaked out. He laughed and grabbed my arm as I tried to get away and left a bruise.

TODAY I ran into a guy I knew from a conference I went to a few years ago. We chatted and then things turn on end. He wanted to 'really get to know me' . He started pushing to try to get me to go out with him.

WHAT THE f*ck?! I am ready to tell the world I am a lesbian just so that men will just leave me the f*ck alone. I don't want to be with anyone every again, ever! I'm so tired of the dance. I'm tied of everything.
I don't want to ever be with anyone ever again.

Really I just want to crawl in a hole and hide.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm at a conference. I have been all week. It's been stressful because it's in Vegas and it's noisy, obnoxious, smelly, bright and the city isn't much better.

This sentence made me picture the illustrations in "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas". I'm not sure whether it would help to picture those men through the lense of Hunter, since his experience in Las Vegas wasn't so rosy either.

I think I know what you mean. Men generally leave me alone, but I hate it when they stare at me as if I were some kind of opportunity, or a piece of meat in the supermarket. Just think of it this way, they're not even worth paying attention to. They're worth forgetting.

 

[scout86]

Your title sure summed things up well!

Those people are UNBELIEVABLE! I suppose they think because they're in Las Vegas anything goes. You've definitely found a couple guys who are NOT likely prospects for a relationship. I wish I had a good response for you that was actually legal.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm afraid that yesterday just kind of pushed me over the edge in a lot of different ways.
I'm still very upset about the guy at the conference. I have one more conference day and I SHOULD be down on the show floor makig connections but I am so scared I am going to run into him again I don't want to go.

Last night was our last "big night out" I was already in a shitty head space but I was trying to make things good. There was a mis communication about where we were all meeting up which resulted in me walking a half mile to the wrong restaurant, back to the hotel and more miscommunication about where I was going to meet my group to go to the CORRECT restaurant. By the time they found me I was ready to call it a night but They were pretty insistent that we go to eat. Once there I just felt like the odd man out. I didn't fit in with the women, I didn't fit in with the men and jokes were made about how I didn't get up and go to the powder room with all the other ladies. I didn't need to pee! And quite frankly, I don't consider peeing to be a social event. I don't know. I was still very upset about what had happened earlier that day and was in self destructive mode. After dinner, everyone wanted to go gamble before heading out to whatever club they were planning to visit. By this point I was hypervigilent and on the edge of tears. I told the folks I was with I was headed back and then stupidly walked back (about 2 miles) to the strip through a rather ugly part of town. At the time I was beyond caring. I managed to get out of the building before falling apart but I cried all the way back big ugly angry tears. I hate being a woman. I hate everything about it. I try and usually succeed in pretending that I don't really have a gender but days like that remind me. When I was little I used to think god just made a mistake about making me a girl. I am not feminine or pretty or particularly bright. I'm a waste of space that's been used and people just want to continue to use. I hate this. I wanted to cut so badly but I didn't have ANYTHING so all I could do was cry. I hate crying. f*cking hate it. I looked up flights back home but I am stuck driving with my coworkers. there's nothing for less than 450.00 and that's more than I have in my bank account.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The "getting to know you" guy.....that's SO not just a vegas thing, that's a "guys everywhere thing".

I honestly don't understand how relationships are supposed to go b/c it seems like every guy just wants sex from the get go. I'm like you only I'm about to tell everyone that I'm ASEXUAL because then I won't get hit on from either side! I honestly just can't handle it.....

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Solara, not all men are like that. The assholes just kind of stand out because they tend to display asshole behavior. I know from personal experience that for every good woman out there, there is some honest guy who will follow his heart rather than his genitals.

@desiderata310 maybe calling it a night would have been the better option for you. Sometimes you've got to trust your instinct and maybe next time you will. Women who flock together to pee (yeah I know the type) sound really boring anyway...

You know what's best for you. Those people have no clue. The things is learning to listen to your gut instinct and telling those people "no", so you don't end up in a very stressful situation that just freaks you out and makes you so stressed that you end up with thoughts of self-harm.

You sound pretty cool to me -cooler than the women's peeing club. That's not a waste of space. Just try to watch your boundaries and keep yourself safe from those situations.

 

[Kintsugi]

Des, the fact that someone touched and grabbed you is absolutely inappropriate and inexcusable, and your colleague aggressively pursuing you is no better.

Just remember (and I know from experience that this is hard), YOU are in the right. YOU are defending your personal boundaries. NO ONE can blame you for rejecting someone's proposition, inappropriate or otherwise. If you had bumped into him in the crowd, YOU could say loudly, "Get away from me. I don't want to go out with you, and I don't want to talk to you," and anyone base enough to blame you for that doesn't possess half a brain anyway. YOU deserve protection, respect, and your personal space, and NO ONE has the right to make you feel otherwise.

You are not worthless. You are worthy. Worthy of dignity, respect, and compassion. Anyone who convinces you otherwise is the worthless party. Please be kind to yourself. I am on your side, rooting for you. Had I seen something like that happen, I would have stepped in to your defense without knowing anything about you except that YOU were being made uncomfortable.

I had a similar experience at a conference. Every damn elevator ride, run-in on the street, elbow-rubbing in between seminars... some professor more than twice my age would try to get me to go out with him, go back to his room. They did not know I was 19, but they knew damn well I wasn't a day over 25. I kept thinking, "You bastards have students older than I. You should be ashamed." Go out for a drink? I wasn't even old enough to accept that offer.

And for the record, I don't understand why the bathroom is supposed to be a social event either. Petty people gather like birds. Don't let anyone fault you for not being part of a flock of pigeons.

Okay. Diatribe over. I'll get off my soapbox. Just know you are not alone, and you are appreciated and deserving of defense and compassion.

 

[scout86]

Once there I just felt like the odd man out. I didn't fit in with the women, I didn't fit in with the men and jokes were made about how I didn't get up and go to the powder room with all the other ladies.

Been THERE! Kind of anyway.

My T has commented a few times that I "managed to escape" a lot of conventional stereotypes. For what ever reason, most of the time I'm actually pretty oblivious to conventional stereotypes. So, when I end up in a situation like you're talking about, I actually usually don't notice the situation. My response to the "jokes" tends to be kind of a dead pan, playing it straight version of "What on earth are you people talking about?" Purely by accident, I found something that usually works. They don't get why I don't get what everybody seems to think is funny, they notice that it's awkward and the line of "humor" tends to die right there. They may think I'm nuts. I'm fine with that, then they leave me alone.

Those kind of "social" things are one place where I've decided to totally cut myself enough slack to say, "You all go do what ever, I'm going back to my room." Some people may have a problem with it. Fine, It can be THEIR problem.

@desiderata310 , I know YOU are the one who feels like you were somehow "wrong", It wouldn't take me a second to decide I'd rather hang out with you than "them". They sound like a pretty uninteresting group. Real friends accept and value you for who you really are. You are NOT a waste of space.

The assholes just kind of stand out because they tend to display asshole behavior.

Exactly!

 

[desiderata310]

*sigh* I am home finally. Conference is over and it's never been so good to be in my room, in my bed with my cat curled up beside me purring and yes, farting.

@desiderata310 maybe calling it a night would have been the better option for you. Sometimes you've got to trust your instinct and maybe next time you will.

I know. I also know that I went to the conference to network. Most of that networking was done at the after parties and over beers. I know HOW the game is played, I just don't play it well. Fancy rave type events with strict dress codes, loud music and open bars are not my scene. That evening was part of that "scene". From the stories I heard the next day, I am glad I missed out. The alcohol was flowing faster than it had been on the convention floor. One of the women we had dinner with- a brilliant technician- had actually been a pole dancer and it seemed still used sexuality to help open doors. The reports came back the next day (from my dismayed male colleagues) that she had pulled a prospective employer in the the restroom on the way out. I don't think I would have reacted well if I had witnessed that.

You know what's best for you. Those people have no clue. The things is learning to listen to your gut instinct and telling those people "no", so you don't end up in a very stressful situation that just freaks you out and makes you so stressed that you end up with thoughts of self-harm.

@Radise It is certainly a stress cup thing. I am still over full at the moment. Bad. I'm still fighting SH urges and my suicidal thoughts... back up to about a 7. I'm exhausted and can't sleep.

I've stayed in touch with my therapist so he knows that he's getting a basket case back in the morning.

@desiderata310 , I know YOU are the one who feels like you were somehow "wrong"

I know this is at the heart of a lot of it. I got a text from the colleague who was hitting on me
"Like a fresh breeze, it was nice to enjoy your smile
Like the wind,
once again you were gone."

UGH
LEAVE ME ALONE!

But part of me feels like I owe him an explanation. Sorry. You freak me out. I have PTSD. In another realm I might have had sex with you but because I am f*cked up in the head I won't give you the time of day. Cheers! see you at next year's conference!

Damn.
I really want to cry.

 

[Karen12]

@Link Removed - is there someplace you can go or something you can do to regroup and get your feet back under you? Conferences can be relentless even when there aren't people problems. Can you take a long hot shower, order a pizza and spend a some "down" time alone in your room with the door locked and your phone off, listening to some relaxing music, and doing long stretches? Or soak in a hot tub, or get massage? You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, just do what YOU need to feel better.

 

[scout86]

I got a text from the colleague who was hitting on me
"Like a fresh breeze, it was nice to enjoy your smile
Like the wind,
once again you were gone."

You don't owe him an explanation. Personally, I'd only give him one if I actually LIKED him. But, you've got to admit, that text is kind of funny. (I have NO idea if he meant to be!) From here on out, anytime I needed to escape him, I believe I'd reference his text and tell him you're "like the wind......GONE" Humor can be a good place to hide and he just gave you an interesting start to a running joke.

I know this isn't easily funny. It's one of those times, as Lincoln said, where "I laugh else I should surely cry." But laughing is better than a lot of stuff.

Glad you made it out of there! I know that networking is important and I respect the courage it took for you to try to play their games. Me? Part of my "persona" is "I don't DO networking!" Now days, I do it once in awhile, if I feel up to it and see a good enough reason. I've never regretted NOT doing it.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yaaaay, you are home, with your cat and it sounds good :-) You made it through!

The text is extremely cheesy...
Maybe you can ask yourself why you think you owe him an explanation. Did you use to have to provide explanations to people in the past? Who taught you to do so? Maybe if you evaluate the behavior, it will be easier to let it go.