I posted something a few days ago about my boyfriend being abusive toward me and everyone's words and advice were so kind.
Tonight I am feeling the weight of my choices to keep staying and working it out. He blames everyone and everything for his behavior and attitude. It's me, it's his childhood, it's the holidays, it's him hating being him. It's exhausting.
Tonight we were having a nice time watching a movie and he started to say something about it and I slowly turned my head to lol at him while he spoke. He sai it unsettles him. And asked why I do it. Of course I don't know that I'm doing it. Just as I don't know that my voice dropped in tone for a moment that one time. He is constantly asking why I do things that I see people do everyday. Saying I'm trying to do this or that to him.
I'm literally just standing in the kitchen having a conversation with him. He tells me how I turn my head unsettles him. If I lay on my back in bed with my head on his arm unsettles him.
He tells me I am playing games with him and I am a bitch who will die alone. That my family doesn't really know what a bitch I am. He says either I am playing games or he is insane. And he says he isn't insane.
He says I am getting an attitude when he asks me about why I turned my head the way I did. The way I always have done when I am looking at the person talking. He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
All I said was that I was just turning my head to look at him. And showed him an example of turnin my head "fast" vs what I actually did. He expects me to stop being who I am basically.
Then after calling me names and telling me how I turn my head is wrong he tells me to move from the spot I was sitting in on the couch.
I'm not playing games. I am living my life. Interacting like a human being. He has these rules for interaction and chastise all those who don't follow them. If I am in the kitchen making coffee and flipping through the newspaper with one hand and one hand on my hip as we talk, I'm trying to dominate him.
If I don't lay on his chest all night but on my back which is more comfortable I am wrong. If I don't laugh at every joke or understand every reference he makes or give him 150 compliments about something he did or made I don't love him or respect him.
He doesn't laugh at all my jokes or get what I am saying. He also barely compliments my achievements. I however don't need the constant validation. I am confident in my abilities. Until he makes me question them by saying how well he himself could do it.
He is either so flawed or so cocky that he has this constant need to make others to be below him. He tells me that his sister said I am playing games. From someone who has met me twice for a whole 2 hours total and never even asked me about myself. I went out of my way to impress her and ask her questions. She not once tried to know me yet can have an opinion. An opinion based on her brother telling her only his side of things. I am forbidden to talk to her explaining my side.
This is all from the guy who can't stop drinking because either A. I make him drink B. He hates his life, the holidays an hates bein himself so much or C. It's easier than fighting the cravings. The guy who went to the store at 10am to go get a six pack. Who says he can stop anytime he wants, he doesn't want to because "f*ck everyone" and because "the holidays suck".
I'm beginning to really think this is not about me at all. Because all of this is a pattern he had long before he met me. He likes to project fault on others instead of admitting he is broken. Because being strong and alpha male is all he cares about.
All I am guilty of is loving a man who can't handle love. He told me last night that I was too affectionate. Too affectionate? But if I don't touch him then I am cold. I can't win with him. I can't express my feelings because he would make himself out to be the victim as he always does. Something he chastises his mother for doing.
He expects everyone to change around him to adapt to his whims, wants and needs. I can't do it anymore. I can't be in a relationship where I turn my head wrong, I stand wrong, sit wrong, cuddle wrong. Anything he doesn't like is seen as wrong and if I don't change those things I don't love him. I don't care or respect him.
I'm not hurting him mentally or physically by sitting or standing the way I do. Or with the speed of my head turn. But he acts as though I am torturing him. He says I am slowly killing him. Yet I'm the one with digestive problems, hives and lack of sleep. I'm the one who is gaining weight and has the bag under her eyes.
Being with him like this in a year makes me feel like it's been 10. As I write this I fall asleep because our sleep schedule is messed up, which he also blames me for. He is the one who is up until 5 am and keeps me up with him. If I don't stay up with him I am not a good mate.
We now go to bed at 6pm and get up at 1 am and stay awake all night and day. It is breaking my immune system down. I feel like I'm getting ill.
The stress and lack of sleep or routine is beating me down. He doesn't do a thing around the house. It's left up to me yet I don't even want to get out of bed most of the time because I'm exhausted or depressed. I have never in my life been depressed or felt a darkness inside me like this. But living with someone who is always depressed and dark will do this to anyone.
I am with someone who constantly questions me, judges me and expects complete compliance always. If we watch a show or a movie he has to ask if I find someone attractive. Every single time. If I say yes I'm made to feel bad for thinking so. If I say no then I am lying. If I turn it around on him to see If he likes it the same rules don't apply. I'm a jealous bitch for judging his choice or he won't answer.
He doesn't like the holidays so I suggest we make new memories or traditions. My parents had to cancel Thanksgiving because of the weather so I suggested we just make this like any other day.
Nothing I say or do is good enough. It's almost as if he likes to be in this state of misery so he can condone his words and behaviors.
Maybe it is me. Maybe I am such an awful bitch. But I used to have friends. A lot of them. I used to be close to my family. People liked me and wanted to be around me. Now I have been made to feel bad about and question who I am by someone who, and I am not trying to be mean, has no friends and horrible family relationships. It's almost like he wants his partner to be just as disconnected and miserable as he is. And being this morose is exhausting.
I just needed to get this all out. I am literally so tired from lack of sleep and trying to please every whim of a man who will never be happy. He isn't happy with himself and never will until he takes a good look. I don't say it to be mean. I am constantly tryin to build him up and make him feel good about himself. But it falls on dead ears. And it's never good enough. I never compliment grand enough. It's never big enough praise for him. And he has to ask about 10 times after you've told him already something was delicious, awesome, the best just to be sure. For this he blames his mother. Or he will fish saying "it wasn't that great" or "I'm not the best" after telling him it was great and it was the best. Knowing I'm going to say it's crap to say different. I don't just give a compliment to give compliment.
He has this constant need to make fun of everyone and all the time. And if i don't agree or play along it's wrong. I don't respect him or find him dominant.
As I am writing this it sounds insane. Like I am living in a mad house. And I am. But I am made to feel like I am the one who is crazy. I don't have a history of being unstable or needing medication or hospitalization.
Yet I am made to feel like I am unstable by someone who is all of the above. He is mentally unstable saying he enjoys hurting people. And is always talking about the over 100 fights he has been in, wining and scarring most everyone he fought. He has been on medication and been hospitalized.
He is bipolar and narssasistic yet will not admit to it. He throws the idea around yet then he says he isn't. He could even be a sociopath. But he does sometimes show feeling of remorse. But it could be an act since he enjoys seeing others suffer.
The more he tells me I am to blame and wrong. The more I write our interactions out and I think about what I know about him, I know that I am not completely at fault.
His physically abuse was wrong, just plain wrong. Even though he says that I asked for it, I caused it by getting an attitude or talking back to him.
You don't judge or make your partner feel bad for everything she says or does. You don't constantly question her, interrogate her. From the beginning he questioned me and judged me. Made me change my wardrobe and appearance, if I didn't then I didn't really love him, I wanted to be single. I dropped the friends he didn't like. I skipped family events because he didn't want to go.
I have up myself for him. And it wasn't for love, it was for control. He controls everything. Me, the money, our life. He "consults" me but does what he wants anyway. He says that because I have such an attitude he isn't going to talk to me anymore, he is just going to whip my ass.
And if I go to the police or threaten to about the abuse then I am playing games. I am always playing games he says. When I am just sitting there. He has my head so f*cked up with his games that I began to believe I am playing games. That I am all the horrible things he says about me.
But I'm not. I know it. I'm not playing games. I don't threaten to leave or to sleep with someone else. I don't say I'm going to give the things I have him to someone else. I don't after a fight say I'm going to my insane ex's.
Last night he got drunk and came in the room saying "you lied to me". I hadn't lied about anything and said so. And he glared and me saying "you're lying about something and I will remember when I am sober". I haven't lied about anything. When he catches me writing on here I say I am journaling. Which isn't a lie. I just didn't say it was on a site where I was getting help.
Since being on here, for just a few short days I am digging toward the light. I see that I need to trust my judgement. That I have no history of this behavior or type of relationship before. He has. I used to have great relationships with other people before wing with him. He hasn't. He has had issue with most everyone he comes into contact with. That doesn't sound like a healthy, normal person'a behavior.
I just need to trust my guts. This is helping.
Tonight I am feeling the weight of my choices to keep staying and working it out. He blames everyone and everything for his behavior and attitude. It's me, it's his childhood, it's the holidays, it's him hating being him. It's exhausting.
Tonight we were having a nice time watching a movie and he started to say something about it and I slowly turned my head to lol at him while he spoke. He sai it unsettles him. And asked why I do it. Of course I don't know that I'm doing it. Just as I don't know that my voice dropped in tone for a moment that one time. He is constantly asking why I do things that I see people do everyday. Saying I'm trying to do this or that to him.
I'm literally just standing in the kitchen having a conversation with him. He tells me how I turn my head unsettles him. If I lay on my back in bed with my head on his arm unsettles him.
He tells me I am playing games with him and I am a bitch who will die alone. That my family doesn't really know what a bitch I am. He says either I am playing games or he is insane. And he says he isn't insane.
He says I am getting an attitude when he asks me about why I turned my head the way I did. The way I always have done when I am looking at the person talking. He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
All I said was that I was just turning my head to look at him. And showed him an example of turnin my head "fast" vs what I actually did. He expects me to stop being who I am basically.
Then after calling me names and telling me how I turn my head is wrong he tells me to move from the spot I was sitting in on the couch.
I'm not playing games. I am living my life. Interacting like a human being. He has these rules for interaction and chastise all those who don't follow them. If I am in the kitchen making coffee and flipping through the newspaper with one hand and one hand on my hip as we talk, I'm trying to dominate him.
If I don't lay on his chest all night but on my back which is more comfortable I am wrong. If I don't laugh at every joke or understand every reference he makes or give him 150 compliments about something he did or made I don't love him or respect him.
He doesn't laugh at all my jokes or get what I am saying. He also barely compliments my achievements. I however don't need the constant validation. I am confident in my abilities. Until he makes me question them by saying how well he himself could do it.
He is either so flawed or so cocky that he has this constant need to make others to be below him. He tells me that his sister said I am playing games. From someone who has met me twice for a whole 2 hours total and never even asked me about myself. I went out of my way to impress her and ask her questions. She not once tried to know me yet can have an opinion. An opinion based on her brother telling her only his side of things. I am forbidden to talk to her explaining my side.
This is all from the guy who can't stop drinking because either A. I make him drink B. He hates his life, the holidays an hates bein himself so much or C. It's easier than fighting the cravings. The guy who went to the store at 10am to go get a six pack. Who says he can stop anytime he wants, he doesn't want to because "f*ck everyone" and because "the holidays suck".
I'm beginning to really think this is not about me at all. Because all of this is a pattern he had long before he met me. He likes to project fault on others instead of admitting he is broken. Because being strong and alpha male is all he cares about.
All I am guilty of is loving a man who can't handle love. He told me last night that I was too affectionate. Too affectionate? But if I don't touch him then I am cold. I can't win with him. I can't express my feelings because he would make himself out to be the victim as he always does. Something he chastises his mother for doing.
He expects everyone to change around him to adapt to his whims, wants and needs. I can't do it anymore. I can't be in a relationship where I turn my head wrong, I stand wrong, sit wrong, cuddle wrong. Anything he doesn't like is seen as wrong and if I don't change those things I don't love him. I don't care or respect him.
I'm not hurting him mentally or physically by sitting or standing the way I do. Or with the speed of my head turn. But he acts as though I am torturing him. He says I am slowly killing him. Yet I'm the one with digestive problems, hives and lack of sleep. I'm the one who is gaining weight and has the bag under her eyes.
Being with him like this in a year makes me feel like it's been 10. As I write this I fall asleep because our sleep schedule is messed up, which he also blames me for. He is the one who is up until 5 am and keeps me up with him. If I don't stay up with him I am not a good mate.
We now go to bed at 6pm and get up at 1 am and stay awake all night and day. It is breaking my immune system down. I feel like I'm getting ill.
The stress and lack of sleep or routine is beating me down. He doesn't do a thing around the house. It's left up to me yet I don't even want to get out of bed most of the time because I'm exhausted or depressed. I have never in my life been depressed or felt a darkness inside me like this. But living with someone who is always depressed and dark will do this to anyone.
I am with someone who constantly questions me, judges me and expects complete compliance always. If we watch a show or a movie he has to ask if I find someone attractive. Every single time. If I say yes I'm made to feel bad for thinking so. If I say no then I am lying. If I turn it around on him to see If he likes it the same rules don't apply. I'm a jealous bitch for judging his choice or he won't answer.
He doesn't like the holidays so I suggest we make new memories or traditions. My parents had to cancel Thanksgiving because of the weather so I suggested we just make this like any other day.
Nothing I say or do is good enough. It's almost as if he likes to be in this state of misery so he can condone his words and behaviors.
Maybe it is me. Maybe I am such an awful bitch. But I used to have friends. A lot of them. I used to be close to my family. People liked me and wanted to be around me. Now I have been made to feel bad about and question who I am by someone who, and I am not trying to be mean, has no friends and horrible family relationships. It's almost like he wants his partner to be just as disconnected and miserable as he is. And being this morose is exhausting.
I just needed to get this all out. I am literally so tired from lack of sleep and trying to please every whim of a man who will never be happy. He isn't happy with himself and never will until he takes a good look. I don't say it to be mean. I am constantly tryin to build him up and make him feel good about himself. But it falls on dead ears. And it's never good enough. I never compliment grand enough. It's never big enough praise for him. And he has to ask about 10 times after you've told him already something was delicious, awesome, the best just to be sure. For this he blames his mother. Or he will fish saying "it wasn't that great" or "I'm not the best" after telling him it was great and it was the best. Knowing I'm going to say it's crap to say different. I don't just give a compliment to give compliment.
He has this constant need to make fun of everyone and all the time. And if i don't agree or play along it's wrong. I don't respect him or find him dominant.
As I am writing this it sounds insane. Like I am living in a mad house. And I am. But I am made to feel like I am the one who is crazy. I don't have a history of being unstable or needing medication or hospitalization.
Yet I am made to feel like I am unstable by someone who is all of the above. He is mentally unstable saying he enjoys hurting people. And is always talking about the over 100 fights he has been in, wining and scarring most everyone he fought. He has been on medication and been hospitalized.
He is bipolar and narssasistic yet will not admit to it. He throws the idea around yet then he says he isn't. He could even be a sociopath. But he does sometimes show feeling of remorse. But it could be an act since he enjoys seeing others suffer.
The more he tells me I am to blame and wrong. The more I write our interactions out and I think about what I know about him, I know that I am not completely at fault.
His physically abuse was wrong, just plain wrong. Even though he says that I asked for it, I caused it by getting an attitude or talking back to him.
You don't judge or make your partner feel bad for everything she says or does. You don't constantly question her, interrogate her. From the beginning he questioned me and judged me. Made me change my wardrobe and appearance, if I didn't then I didn't really love him, I wanted to be single. I dropped the friends he didn't like. I skipped family events because he didn't want to go.
I have up myself for him. And it wasn't for love, it was for control. He controls everything. Me, the money, our life. He "consults" me but does what he wants anyway. He says that because I have such an attitude he isn't going to talk to me anymore, he is just going to whip my ass.
And if I go to the police or threaten to about the abuse then I am playing games. I am always playing games he says. When I am just sitting there. He has my head so f*cked up with his games that I began to believe I am playing games. That I am all the horrible things he says about me.
But I'm not. I know it. I'm not playing games. I don't threaten to leave or to sleep with someone else. I don't say I'm going to give the things I have him to someone else. I don't after a fight say I'm going to my insane ex's.
Last night he got drunk and came in the room saying "you lied to me". I hadn't lied about anything and said so. And he glared and me saying "you're lying about something and I will remember when I am sober". I haven't lied about anything. When he catches me writing on here I say I am journaling. Which isn't a lie. I just didn't say it was on a site where I was getting help.
Since being on here, for just a few short days I am digging toward the light. I see that I need to trust my judgement. That I have no history of this behavior or type of relationship before. He has. I used to have great relationships with other people before wing with him. He hasn't. He has had issue with most everyone he comes into contact with. That doesn't sound like a healthy, normal person'a behavior.
I just need to trust my guts. This is helping.
