Rescuers - A Want To Be Saved

[becvan]

I think it is a natural response to want to be rescued from a horrible situation, I don't think it is unhealthy, I think it is something that gives us hope in the face of some pretty tough shit that happened.

I completely agree. However continuing to do so, into adulthood is not healthy. It works as a child, it does not work as an adult.

however, when you talk about children or even teenagers whose brains are not fully developed maybe they really do need saving. If saving means stepping in and calling the police when someone is being abused then talking to that kid and finding a home for them, helping them find therapy and giving them hope then I will save someone. Would yu really follow through?

Where do you live that you have to find them a home, find them therapy, etc? Once you call the police (and any person that claims to care about children damn well better if they are being abused) and they investigate, Social workers step in and do this. It's their job. And it's their job for a reason.

However, we are not talking about defenseless children here. We are talking about ourselves, ADULTS.

As for how to stop doing this, all I can say is how I stopped. Maybe it will work for someone, maybe it won't. .. who knows..

So.. my story of this starts with leaving the most violent relationship I had ever been in, also my last violent one. I went into crisis counseling for a bit.
I couldn't understand how I could end up here, again. I had tried so hard to break that damn cycle. The therapist asked me something and let me tell you it really really pissed me off. She asked me what was I doing that put me into this type of relationship repeatedly. Of course I took it as being blamed for all of it. I never went back again.

But that damned question burned in my brain... until a few months later I realized the answer. I wanted to be saved. I was looking for a hero to come and take it all away. I was.. the perfect prey.

So my journey began with a very ugly question and a very ugly answer. I decided then and there that no one would ever rescue me, except me. After that, every time I started to fantasize about being rescued, I would put myself as my own hero. I began to tell myself I was able to fix it. (it.. being everything.) I started to believe it.. Then I started to learn about being personally responsible for myself, about having the power to make choices, to make mistakes, I was becoming empowered....

It's taken a long time.. but I've never backed down. Rescuing is unhealthy. There are no excuses, no justification that will make it otherwise. It is most certainly a normal reaction to terrible traumas as a child, as an adult it removes all responsibility from the "saved" person and a twisted level of control to the other, no matter what good intentions there are.

bec

 

[Awakening]

Bec, thank you so much for your post. It's the best advice I've seen in regards to this issue, and I've done a lot of research.

Alot of the time this fantasy is dismissed as a transference, and well almost encouraged i.e. there is nothing wrong with being saved, or wanting comfort from your trauma. Yet, I know, that my fantasy is damaging me and is going beyond transference.

Lately I've taken a step back from the rescue fantasy and asked myself what's really going on here. And I have realised that this fantasy puts me constantly in the role of the victim. It feeds my victim mentality, which feeds my helplessness, which feeds my it's-pointless-I-can't-be-saved-so-no-point-even-trying which turns into depression, which turns into the fantasy all over again.

Futhermore, I'm finding myself in relationships; work, friendships & otherwise where I'm being 'picked on'. Nothing violent, but I've been the victim of some unacceptable and unfair behaviour by people. I've been asking myself why me, rather then what I'm doing that I'm attracting this rubbish? I'm not the only one noticing it - a few people have asked 'why are you putting up with this?' 'why don't you say anything' 'you should stick up for yourself'. And I've just shrugged poor me this stuff always happens to me nothing I can do about it, and been hoping someone else will step in and save me.

Despite these recent realisations that I'm casting myself into the victim role and it's spilling over into real life, it has never occured to me to put myself into a hero position, or into an empowered position.

If I think of the 'victim' as someone other then me, then how would I help them? How would I rescue them? And wham, suddenly I have lots of different solutions to some of the situations I've found myself in. I've been letting it happen. Yikes. Hello, she wakes up.

Bec, you are a genius! I love the hero idea. I also like the idea of telling myself that I can fix it. It's really quite simple yet no one's ever pointed it out to me before.

 

[becvan]

Your very welcome. Trust me.. it doesn't seem simple after the hundredth time of having to force your fantasy to change, or repeating healthy positive messages. It can get quite frustrating actually! ;)

A fair warning, once you apply this to your entire life a lot of "friends" are gone once it's all said and done. Learning to be healthy is one hell of a tough road and it can get lonely while losing the not so nice relationships you had going. The nice bonus is that those that are left are truly worth it.

hehe.. that is the problem with some therapists.. they just want to coddle us!

bec

 

[Nicolette]

To be honest, I've researched this for so long and yet to come up with a real way to get over it or past it or why. No one can really tell me why I'm doing it or how to alleviate it. It's I guess a mix of all things I've discussed with my therapist.

I'm a bit late in on this conversation but wanted to post a thought.

If our mother did not rescue us/protect us/care for us as a child and it never changed.....do we try and re-create the same situation over and over trying to fix/change something which happened a long time ago and cannot be changed? Do we think if we just get a taste of how good we think it will be as an adult we can then shed the pain we have carried through from our childhood?

While the wanting to be rescued makes perfect sense I wonder if that is only part of it. The reason I say this is, while we think we need to be rescued and try and put ourselves in the position to be 'saved', why is it we choose people who are not capable of 'rescuing' in the first place. Don't we end up choosing someone who resembles the person we have the issue with in the first place?

My thoughts, from a lot of personal experience, is that you have to come to an acceptance of what happened and peace in what was just "was" whether it be right or wrong, fair or unfair. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto. Through the forgiveness process you acknowledge someone did wrong by you instead of the struggle with "why" they did it to you. Sometimes the answer is not in the "why" even though we look for it there. We get caught up trying to work out why when perhaps we should be focusing on changing how we feel as even when you find out why it doesn't really change anything. If you were hurt in the first place finding an answer does not take away the pain.

 

[Cecilia]

you have to come to an acceptance of what happened and peace in what was just "was" whether it be right or wrong, fair or unfair. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto.

Bingo! Nicolette, I totally agree. A couple of weeks ago, a very loved and trusted friend told me: "Faith really is a source of peace and joy and kindness. It's a place to rest and be restored. This is the Lord's gift to you, I think, after traumas in the past. So Enjoy!"

Of course, he knows I am religious. He emailed me that quote after I experienced one of those "aha!" moments where for a second I understood something about my mother. Now when I am feeling down I read that quote. It brings comfort.

I believe it is best to seek peace whether through forgiveness, compassion, understanding or acceptance. Not every action has a reason. I must admit; I cannot explain everything I do. Why do I expect to understand the actons of someone else? Yet, many days I still ask "why"!

 

[linasmom]

Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto. Through the forgiveness process you acknowledge someone did wrong by you instead of the struggle with "why" they did it to you.

That is very difficult, at least the forgiveness part of it, for me. And I'm not so sure I have to forgive because, in the first place, my perpetrator didn't ask for forgiveness, in fact, my perpetrator won't admit to anything. So how does one forgive someone when that someone hasn't asked for forgiveness? Also, am I forgiving the "who" or the "what"?

 

[Cecilia]

Linasmom:

It is very difficult. I am still working on it and may never totally get there. My perpetrator was emotionally ill and a drug addict. Shortly after violating me, he was sent to a mental hospital for drug rehab and to deal with some of his issues. His parents sent him out of state and claimed he was working at the mental hospital, but that was not true.

I guess it is easy for me to say "he had problems and was not aware of what he was doing." I still get angry. I don't want to forgive him or understand him because he asks...he never has. I want to forgive for my own sake so I can let him out of my psyche. When he enters in; I can say "Cecilia, you have forgiven and let go of this issue."

Like I said, I am not there yet and definitely no expert on the matter, but I know that self-talk has helped a little in the past.

It may be totally different for you. Everyone is different with different experiences so I definitely would not hold anyone to my idea or judge them for rejecting it.

I'm just going on my experience.

 

[linasmom]

I guess then, the question is - what form of forgiveness are we speaking of? Here is the definition I found on Dictionary.com:

for·give Link Removed –verb (used with object) 1.to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve. 2.to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.). 3.to grant pardon to (a person). 4.to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies. 5.to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan. –verb (used without object) 6.to pardon an offense or an offender.

To cease to feel resentment towards a perpetrator, for me, can be done with work. However, I don't feel that I need to "pardon" my perpetrator for her crimes against me in order to heal. I will not excuse her actions.

 

[Cecilia]

No. I cannot "pardon" my perps behavior. There is never an excuse for abuse. I can never say what he did was fine. Even if he was mentally ill and a druggy, he was an adult and should have sought help. That was his responsibility and I will not let him off the hook for that.

I am just trying to cease to feel anger and resentment towards him to help myself. It is actually a selfish act of forgiveness. Not good-will towards the perp, but good-will towards myself so I feel better.

 

[becvan]

While the wanting to be rescued makes perfect sense I wonder if that is only part of it. The reason I say this is, while we think we need to be rescued and try and put ourselves in the position to be 'saved', why is it we choose people who are not capable of 'rescuing' in the first place. Don't we end up choosing someone who resembles the person we have the issue with in the first place?

My thoughts, from a lot of personal experience, is that you have to come to an acceptance of what happened and peace in what was just "was" whether it be right or wrong, fair or unfair. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go of what we are hanging onto.

Yes, I do agree this can be a huge aspect of it. It's an excellent question we should all ask ourselves.

However, we do not need to accept or forgive anything to change this whole rescue fantasy. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere near forgiveness, and have barely accepted most of what has happened, yet I have gone from wanted to be saved to saving myself.

Personally I think accepting will be easier than forgiving, in the long run. Hehe, but I've been wrong before.

Anyways we have all steered terribly far off course here, we were talking about the rescue fantasy.. shall we return there... *nudge nudge*

bec

 

[Anonymoose]

I'd love it if someone would come along and rescue me but I don't expect for that to happen. I wouldn't mind if my higher power rescued me and that I do expect to happen and it generally does. It's a great fantasy to consciously indulge in at times but I think that it's important to stay grounded in reality and do my footwork, expecting my own efforts to yield the desired results.

 

[Nicolette]

However, we do not need to accept or forgive anything to change this whole rescue fantasy. I certainly haven't gotten anywhere near forgiveness, and have barely accepted most of what has happened, yet I have gone from wanted to be saved to saving myself.

That is great that you have saved yourself Bec. I am also not saying that you need to change the rescue fantasy either as I am sure a lot of women grew up with the "Snow White" or "Cinderalla" idea. My heart would melt if a knight in shining armour turned up on his white horse to rescue me :rolleyes:. If only!

What I was trying to say was if you wanted to stop being "rescued" well then you would need to work out why it was you felt you wanted to be "rescued" in the first instance.

Just quickly and a little off topic but relevant - by acceptance I mean believing what happened to you, that it was real, and by not trying to put it out of your mind trying to think it did not happen. I would never suggest that an abuser should be forgiven for their sake, I mean finding forgiveness in your heart so you can let go of it for yourself. Unfortunately some abusers would not have given those they have abused a second thought and have no idea or consideration for the pain they have inflicted on your life. Forgiveness to allow your self to move on past something can be very lifting. Eg My mum didn't do the right thing by me when I was young but I have come to the acceptance over the years that she did not know any better. I forgive her for not knowing any better; I still do not believe what she did was right. It does not take away the hurt and baggage which came out of the situation however I no longer invest my energy in her and instead I am trying to "fix" what damage had been done as best as possible. I guess in Bec's terms, that is saving myself :wink:!