Funerals

[Springbok]

I dread my parents funerals, especially my father's. I don't think I can handle being around everyone saying they are so nice. Most people who know my father think he is nice because he usually treats friends, neighbours, and strangers extremely well.

 

[desiderata310]

I went through my father's service about 8 or 9 years ago. I remember feeling really odd. Almost gleeful. I didn't cry at all. I made the video memorial that we showed and my brother helped. Neither of us cried.

In those moments, you simply smile and nod. No one expects you to do anything: including cry or talk about the departed. You are, after all, the "bereft". When the time comes, use it to your advantage.

I remember being together with my brother a few years ago a couple of months before he passed away and for the first time I heard him say anything negative about my father. My father had died of a very ugly fight with cancer. It was quick and very painful.

My brother said: He got what he deserved.

 

[sun seeker]

Springbok, I hear your worry about this. I'm just wondering, is there any reason to believe you will have to face this anytime soon, or is it more of an "in the back of your mind" kind of dread?

You do have choices: don't attend at all, attend and speak up and say what it was really like, attend with one or more close friends to support you and have a debriefing session afterwards, write a personal statement and ask whoever is officiating to read it out loud...

I spoke up at my father's funeral. Not planned. I got there and couldn't stand it and had to say something about the difference between the person everyone was remembering and the person I knew. Several people sought me out afterwards to comment on what I'd said, and all but one were very supportive.

 

[scout86]

Sounds a bit like my situation with my mother. I'm not sure what I'll do. Probably something other than go to the funeral.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My priest is so funny....sort of out of character for what you'd expect a priest to say, but anyway, one day she tells me how so many funerals she officiates at are nauseating because everyone praises the dead and says what great people they were when oftentimes they were anything but! Its one thing to be respectful of the dead, another to fill the funeral with lies about how they were holier than thou.

 

[Philippa]

I've had fantasies about getting up to say something about him, and everyone expecting me to waffle on about how nice he was and just lay the truth on them, and not stop, even if I'm removed...which is part of my fantasy. In reality I do not even want to get up and say something, and the anxiety of feeling pressured to, or to be there at all is coupled by the guilt of not wanting to go at all. It feels like he's already dead, so why do I need to go twice?

 

[Springbok]

Springbok, I hear your worry about this. I'm just wondering, is there any reason to believe you will have to face this anytime soon, or is it more of an "in the back of your mind" kind of dread?

He is not dying, but he is quite old.

I don't want to say anything. I don't want people to tell me he was a great man because they think it will cheer me up.

My sister is in total denial and will say something all how great he was.

 

[desiderata310]

Don't stand in the receiving line. Just don't.
When that time comes, just walk away, feign being over come with grief... anything.
There are ways to "be there" and still not interact. I learned how to do this early. I'ver perfected it to an art. People can see me at a party and I have learned the art of not interacting with anyone for longer than 2 minutes. Stay long enough to be seen and then leave. Funerals are much the same.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't want to say anything. I don't want people to tell me he was a great man because they think it will cheer me up.

You absolutely get to decide what works for you. I just want to reiterate that when I spoke at my dad's funeral, almost everyone was supportive of what I said and my right to say it. No one told me he was a good man to cheer me up. Your situation may be different, but that was what happened for me.

 

[Springbok]

Don't stand in the receiving line. Just don't.

What is a receiving line?

 

[desiderata310]

The family lines up next to the casket and that allows everyone to greet them and hug them and view the body.
If you loved the person who just passed it's both touching and torture.
If you hated the person, it's just a special kind of hell.

 

[NovemberStar]

Just don't go. I have no intentions at all of going to my step mothers funeral when she dies. Although my sister jokes about going just to make sure she IS dead.

If you wanted to 'say goodbye' - why not go view his body, say all you need to - even write a letter outlining how horrible he was and tuck that in his suit pocket to go to the afterlife with!!!

Remember - there are no MUSTS - there is NO law that states you have to goto his funeral. As for 'what everyone will think' who cares - you not attending would say a lot actually.