Do You Think Traumas Play A Role In Making You Honest/dishonest?

[Cool Cat]

I know that childhood traumas can shape our personalities. So I wonder, do you think trauma can make you honest/dishonest? And why?

Hands up - I can be very dishonest! I have cheated on important exams, evaded fares, paid the wrong fare because I could, lied to my people, forged notes etc.

But in other areas I think I'm more inclined to do the 'right' thing where others wouldn't. Ive put myself in very dodgy situations to help friends, or fallen out with people because I wouldn't do things that I thought were wrong. (shoplifting, drink/drugs, vandalism, bullying others etc)

I know lying and fraud are wrong but I don't feel it. I sometimes have to be reminded "That's fraud" "Borrowing that without asking is stealing even if you plan to give it back" "That is dishonest". Trauma seems to do a lot to our brains and it's interesting how I just cannot feel guilty about fraud if I am not directly hurting anyone or can get away with it. Although I do feel guilty about lying to parents and family - but it doesn't stop me doing it.

What do you think?

 

[Owl.]

Well, personally (as someone who did not receive their trauma until well into adulthood), I do find myself to be considerable more dishonest than before.
Not in any "big and meaningful" ways, really, but if you count the small stuff, like the ever-beloved "I'm fine." or "I can handle this." - I do this every day.
Mostly to myself, but also to those around me. Brave face, never let them see you cry, etc.
Guess it wouldn't be too hard to slide from there into a place where the "bigger stuff" comes just as easily, but it's not something I really want to think about, lest the sociopath in me breaks through and decides I want to be an evil mastermind when I grow up. ;)

At the same time, though, I have to agree with you when it comes to the inclination to "do the right thing".
That, too, has gotten stronger, especially in situations where others could be spared punishment/suffering through my interference. Maybe that's normal - in fact, most of this probably is, I don't think I know any decent human being without a trauma who doesn't help others and doesn't lie on occasion anyway - maybe it's some sick part of a messed-up brain that wants to keep everyone else's world intact when my own couldn't be saved...who knows.
Might be a mix of both.

 

[Chava]

I personally don't see a connection, but maybe it depends on the trauma...like did you have to lie or develop extremely strong false selves to survive. I've lied around certain people to keep safe but not in ways that became patterns in other places. But I know plenty of liars and cheaters who weren't traumatized....the "rewards" of their dishonesty were simply taken as positive reinforcement over and over. So it could be something entirely separate, unless you believe it is really connected to your trauma.

I was very dishonest in my drinking days, so I relate well to dishonesty, moreso tied to addiction. When drinking I stooped so low as to steal also. Really not myself. But sober, I'm an honest person. It's difficult sometimes but feels much better. Also, people trust me. It might be that I learned recovery was dependent upon honesty with myself and others. But I was pretty honest before I started drinking.

I don't think PTSD can be an excuse for lying, manipulating, cheating or stealing, if that's what you're asking. But I suppose on some level there could be a connection to deeper personality things or behavior and thought patterns that created positive (or indifferent) feedback loops. But we can change most of these things as adults. Good that you have some awareness. You understand dishonesty and do the 'right thing' in some contexts, which to me makes it sound like it's possibly just positive rewards in other areas (and denial of any consequences to others). So more just a pattern thing than trauma-related, but that's just how it sounds to me. I could be totally wrong. You do feel guilt connected to lying to your parents. Consider that in cases of stealing, cheating, or fraud you ARE hurting others, just not in the direct and obvious way (so in ways you choose not to more deeply consider)...but more like taking from the world what you have not worked for while others are working or studying their asses off. Taking what you have not deserved is basically stealing from them. So maybe making some connections like that?

Trauma can certainly cut us off in many ways, so we cloud our ability to connect to ourselves and others. I relate a lot to feelings of disconnection. Honesty (with self and others) is one way to get back to "connection"....so good if you can work on your own reminders and carry stronger awareness of your actions. You might not feel it, as you say, but through post-addiction behavior I know I can say that honesty (once experienced as an ongoing pattern) feels pretty damn good. Very freeing.

 

[Deleted member 487]

PTSD or any health issue for that matter is never a reason to lie.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Much of the time I am honest, brutally honest. I can feel EXTREME guilt for not being honest or not doing the right thing, even when it puts myself into a bad place. I had one of these situations recently, and even though I was trying to do the right thing, I STILL felt guilty! I guess I have a bad guilt complex. I'm getting better at learning when to do the right thing and when to let go because it is detrimental to my own well being.

I sort of think that it ties into my root thought/belief/feeling (that I identified a few years ago in Inter Family Systems Therapy/IFST) of "I am bad" so I feel the need to be honest and do the right thing. But of course, the "right" thing can be subjective, so then it can turn into one big mind f***. So yes, in that sense, I feel that my trauma had a role in my honesty. Its as if I'm still on the level of a 4 year old who thinks she needs to be a good girl all the time, with a very black/white view of the world (as kids at that age oftentimes have).

Thanks for a good post, very thought provoking!

 

[darrenS]

i do relate , i dont lie about money and things , and cant theive or anything like that , but for years i lied about my smoking (marijuana) as its the only thing that keeps me stable - no meds seem to work and just cause huge problems. If you corner me in an emotionally stressfull situation or i feel physcially threatened by male or female - i will lie - never big lies but ones to get myself safe - i do think trauma is connected to it...as its only when im under emotional pressure about a personal situation

 

[scout86]

Interesting question!

I don't know the answer. Maybe because I don't remember a "before"? But, I kind of have a "thing" about being lied to. Maybe it's a trigger, now that I think about it. Anyway, since I hate being lied to, I also hate lying. Except that I never thought about the answer, "I'm fine" as being a potential lie! You mean there's actually more than one answer to that question? Who knew? Seriously, it seem like, in my brain, there's a disconnect between "telling people what they want to hear" and "lying". Now that I'm thinking about it, I can see where, now and then, in telling someone what they want to hear, you might also be telling them a lie. This is good stuff and I might spend the rest of the day considering that one!

 

[zeropoint]

I think it also depends who you lie to and why. Sometimes I have lied to people, for example, about why I couldn't do this or that when really I just didn't think the person would understand that I was too triggered and instead said I had a migraine or something. Other times have been less benign, but those are the ones that bother me. Or the ones where I lie to certain people.

 

[ghotiff]

But, I kind of have a "thing" about being lied to. Maybe it's a trigger, now that I think about it

I have an honesty compulsion. I can refrain from mentioning...but direct lying is next to impossible.

I had not thought about it before, but I think lying is a trigger for me too.

 

[Cool Cat]

Interesting stuff and cheers from coming back to me! :)

I personally don't see a connection, but maybe it depends on the trauma...like did you have to lie or develop extremely strong false selves to survive.

I suppose I'm coming from the point of view of being deceived by people in your life and repeating the behaviour. But also I've found trauma resulted in me having to tell lies because I was way too afraid to tell people about what was happening.

 

[ghotiff]

I've found trauma resulted in me having to tell lies because I was way too afraid to tell people about what was happening

My trauma required me to keep secrets and hide things. I'm very good at secrets.:banghead:

 

[Lionheart]

I think trauma made me afraid of being completely honest with anyone other than myself. Somehow, being dishonest and keeping secrets made me feel safe.

Fortunately, I have outgrown this fear of being honest and that is due to the people who have loved and accepted me as I am.