Do You Think Traumas Play A Role In Making You Honest/dishonest?

[scout86]

@Ms Spock , may I humbly say "Thank You" for everything you wrote? (I'm pretty sure I can, so thank you! :))

The timing of this conversation has been really helpful! I really and truly thought if there was something wrong here, it HAD to be ME. Of course, that's what I was told, so I guess you'd expect it.

This is sort of the current "work in progress" of my work in progress. I try to keep contact to a minimum, but she's old, she had some medical issues, my dad died just a couple of months ago... I feel like I'm supposed to feel something, (besides "fear" and "dread"!) so I feel like I should try to act like I actually DO feel something. (At which point my T usually says, "I wish you could find a way not to be so distracted worrying about what you're 'supposed' to do.")

A couple weeks ago, she mentioned she wished I could come for a visit. I (cheerfully, I might add) said, "Well, I can, actually.) How about the weekend after Thanksgiving? (I picked that because I had to make a road trip that weekend anyway. Would have to make arrangements for things to be taken care of at home anyway, and had something that would tie me up Fri night & most of Sat, so I wouldn't actually have to deal with her that much.) The day before I was to leave, when I called her. She said that she "didn't think it would be a good idea if I came that weekend" but I could think about it and let her know the following day. I (cheerfully) told her I didn't need time to think about it, If she didn't think it was a good idea, I wouldn't come. When I called her the following day (yes, I've been calling her daily. Bad idea. I'm working on it!) The next day I was driving & had a bad connection. Not much conversation. (Yippee!) The NEXT day, I went home, since she hadn't thought a visit was a good idea. When I called her THAT night, she said, "Where are you?" "Home" (Duh?) "Where did you expect me to be?" She paused, hemmed, hawed, and said "well, you COULD have been here." (Yes, and I COULD have been in Mongolia too, but I'm not! And, no, I didn't actually SAY that. :devilish:) I reminded her that she hadn't wanted me to come.... The NEXT night, she said, "I didn't mean that the way you took it!"

And then a light started to come on........

Last Sat, I told her I'd call her in a week. She cried. I feel like a monster. As my T has pointed out, she'd make sure I felt like that no matter WHAT I did.
Another small light started to come on. I've always thought the whole PTSD deal got started with I was sexually molested by an older cousin. But, I have a few other quirks, like I'm easily triggered by the use of the work "love". Like, my reaction to an article on emotional intelligence that suggested that a little girl who's feeling had been hurt because her mother yelled at her, should tell her mother that her feelings were hurt and ask her to handle things differently was total panic. My immediate thought was that it was the single stupidest piece of advice they could offer and if she followed it she was going to die. (I probably get a bit carried away.) Anyway, I asked my T if he thought it was remotely possible that the PTSD got started much earlier and involves my "relationship" with my mother. He said he thought that's "highly likely". I got the feeling he's had this figured out for a long time and was wondering how long it would take me to get there. :banghead:

Anyway, I'm finding it a little hard to wrap my mind around all this. I really always thought it was just me.......

 

[Sandstone]

I asked my T if he thought it was remotely possible that the PTSD got started much earlier and involves my "relationship" with my mother. He said he thought that's "highly likely"

I've also wondered about this, but I can't agree with it. I don't think what our mothers did/do meets Criterion A. I do think though that it predisposed me to complaint obedience, because to question was obviously going to have repercussions, and I think it leads to a problem with understanding that it is safe to ask for help.

 

[scout86]

@stenni, I would agree, if it was just the weird mind games.

I have some vague memories of her being extremely angry, raging, that kind of thing. I don't know how far I actually trust those memories, but they are there. I can imagine that, if your primary caregiver is screaming at you and calling you names, and behaving in a manner that seems pretty out of control, especially starting from the day you come home from the hospital the first time, you might FEEL as if your life is in danger, whether it literally is of not. (And, I suppose lots of small children get killed when that sort of thing goes a half step too far.) If you are a prisoner, being tortured, you may fear for your life, not knowing the actual intent of your captors. They may not PLAN to kill you, but, if you're not aware of that, you would react based on what you DID know. (The CIA may not have PLANNED to kill someone when they were water boarding them, but the prisoner no doubt was in fear of his/her life. "Perception" is important, I think. When you're a month old, what do you actually know? In my case, I'm guessing I probably knew that I was in the care of someone that I couldn't trust and who apparently hated me and was angry and unpredictable. That seems like it could set off the same changes in your brain, whether my life was literally in danger or not.

I think it leads to a problem with understanding that it is safe to ask for help.

True! My own reaction to the idea of "asking for help" is that, asking is hard, recognizing it as an option is harder. (We kind of got off the original topic, didn't we? :bag:)

 

[Philippa]

Much of the time I am honest, brutally honest. I can feel EXTREME guilt for not being honest or not doing the right thing, even when it puts myself into a bad place.

I'm also very much this way, for very much the same reasons. I annoy myself at my incessant need to always be a "good girl", so I'm guessing there is some underlying belief that I am bad and that is what is driving this? I used to go to extremes to overcome the "too good" thing, by taking heaps of drugs and doing all the bad things, but then feel bad and go back to being healthy. I still will binge.

I have noticed lately though, that I have been dishonest many times, and without thinking or caring, so I'm not sure if it due to me be so utterly exhausted from work that I simply cannot bring myself to care enough to stop myself, or that it is due to trauma? I don't have any proof that it is, but I have read that people from dysfunctional families will be dishonest at times? Don't know if it's just 'being human' or something else. I'd like to get to the bottom of it but at this point, as I stated before, I'm simply too tired to care. Maybe I operate in extremes that way? If I feel that I am being too good and get disgusted with myself for this I will go the opposite way and see what I can get away with?

I'm not that happy about it.

 

[Philippa]

My trauma resulted in me being an "over-sharing" kind of person. Being a dirty little secret was really dangerous and bad for me. As a result I'm brutally honest. If I find out someone lies to me I have zero tolerance. I don't want you in my life if you lie to me.

My whole family is full of compulsive liars. It was rough.

I'm so like this as well. I think I have a much stronger reaction to liars than most people do. I cannot stand liars and will not tolerate them, and my family are all extremely deceitful people...well, maybe not my little brother as much as the others, but he can also be very challenging in his own way and has crossed the line with me too many times in other ways, to the point where I cut him out as well.

I worked on my shadow a lot in my late teens, early twenties and finally got to the point where I could accept that all people lie and we are all a mixture of good and bad, and that eased the pressure of always having to "be good" somewhat, including me, and that sometimes lies are necessary, but mostly they aren't. I resolved to reserve lies for only when I totally do need to tell one, which isn't often.

However, as my previous post explains, I seem to have taken some kind of extreme descent from this way of thinking and have been dishonest of late? Not sure what has caused me to abandon my own principles in such a way, but I'm looking into it.

 

[shell]

I learnt from a very early age to lie. Lying due to fear, because there was always the chance that a lie could make me avoid a beating, but telling the truth would guarantee me a belting. It has been very difficult for me to avoid resorting to minimizing the truth in therapy, and to not use old habits due to feeling unsafe to tell the truth.

I am a very private person, and will resort to lying even to my husband about my feelings, or need to be alone, because I let shame determine how much I reveal.

I really hate it when others lie, and won't lie about things I have done, but if relates to my privacy and fear of letting others close to me, I lie to allow me to remain hidden. Fear dictates how much I avoid the truth.

 

[Kintsugi]

I've been very honest since I was a kid. It's my natural inclination. But somehow I always act like I'm lying or like I'm hiding something. My mother was always calling me sneaky, private, etc. But I wasn't. Now in adulthood, I'm constantly worried I will be accused of lying, and I am as upfront as possible. If someone asks me and a group of people if someone did X, and I have, it will immediately come out of my mouth--"I did."

I habitually lied for a little while as a teenager, and I used to lie about lots and lots of little stuff, but I think that was, in a way, embracing the fact that I felt perceived as a liar. By and large, though, people just think I'm hiding something when I am not.

 

[Philippa]

Why do they think you are hiding something simply simon? Is it a certain way you look or act?