Should I Tell My Partner I Was Abused?

[Seagreen]

I have never really told my partner about the abuse. He knows I was in a physically abusive relationship but not to what extent. He doesn't know that I have been sexually abused as well.

We have been together for a few years now and I know he thinks there is something 'wrong' with me. I try to hide it from him but that's pretty hard to do. Thankfully he has never asked me directly as that would make me feel even worse.

One of the things that I find particularly difficult is being sexually intimate. It is almost intolerable, Id even go as far to say re-traumatising sometimes. Not because of anything my partner does but because in my mind I cant seem to separate intimacy from abuse. I know there are other sexual trauma victims who are able to have fulfilling sex lives. I would like to know how they learnt not to associate their past experiences with sex.

I have thought about telling him about my past so that it doesn't seem so weird to him when I 'act strangely' during sex. If he knew why I do this then maybe he would be more understanding and I could be freer to communicate my needs with him. Hopefully that would reduce some of my anxiety and distress.

But then part of me thinks that if he knew it would make things worse for both of us. In knowing he might be start to feel guilty about being intimate with me at all, even though it is not his fault. Then sometimes I think if he knew that might actually make me feel worse. I don't want him to treat me any differently. I'm still the same person. What if he tells someone else? I've only ever told one other person and they took advantage of the situation.

Even if I do tell him. What would I say? I don't know how he would take it. He is, in general not a very understanding person and he has not experienced any major traumas in his lifetime.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I think that if you trust him and he loves you enough to be supportive, then tell him. Not when you're thinking about being intimate, just find a quiet time to say "so sometimes sex is difficult and this is why..." assure him it's not his fault and you do want to be intimate with him. Tell him that you don't want to be treated any differently, you just want him to know so that you can both be more communicative.

If he doesn't try to understand or is dismissive then...well at least you know. How that would affect the relationship is anyone's guess, but at least you'd know his reaction instead of guessing about whether he would be understanding or not.

 

[Nikki100]

I wasn't sure if want to post this reply because you are probably a lot older and more experienced than I am and I totally agree with what @Ice_Fire already said, but I guess it won't hurt :)

I told my boyfriend that I was sexually abused and I'm able to separate the abuse and sex with him.

I don't think that there is a way to predict how telling him will influence your relationship but maybe the way he reacted when you told him about the abusive relationship or the way he deals with it now can be an indication?

he thinks there is something 'wrong' with me

Do you mean he's suspecting that there are things you haven't told him or that he thinks you're weird because you have PTSD?
If it's the latter, the rest of my post mostly won't make sense because then I think that he needs to learn more about PTSD or change his opinion about it before he deserves your trust and may be able to help you.

But if it's just the suspecting-thing:
Seeing as you have been together for a while now and the abuse has an impact on how you interact with him, I think you should tell him.
If he noticed your “strange behaviour” it's possible that he's thinking it's because of him or he's guessing that you have been sexually abused anyway.

I was afraid of making things worse for the both of us as well. In the end, I told him that I was sexually abused without going into any details so that he could understand me better without being completely overwhelmed. I'm not comfortable with going into details anyway...

Not telling him and hiding it from him must put a lot of pressure on you that certainly won't help you heal. I don't believe that telling him will solve everything because there is a lot you need to work out in different ways (for example with your therapist) but there is no way I could have gotten to where I am right now without my boyfriend's support.
I found a lot of techniques that help me separate being intimate with him and the abuse but this post will never end if I start writing about that as well :)

In knowing he might be start to feel guilty about being intimate with me at all, even though it is not his fault

You're right it's not his fault. But that doesn't mean that you have to have sex with him if it is re-traumatizing for you!

He is, in general not a very understanding person and he has not experienced any major traumas in his lifetime.

That might make it difficult for him to really understand what you're going through but understanding why having sex after having been sexually abused can be an issue really isn't to much to ask.
If he loves you and you tell him you want to be intimate with him but need to figure out how to make it more pleasurable for you, you will hopefully work something out together.

Wish you the best!

 

[Em C.]

I know there are other sexual trauma victims who are able to have fulfilling sex lives. I would like to know how they learnt not to associate their past experiences with sex.

What I find that helps is repetition of easier things like cuddling and then progressing to things that are more out of your comfort zone. A kind of exposure therapy. I don't mean force yourself to have sex or anything but just keep repeatedly doing things until you think of your partner in the moment and not your abuser. Does that make sense!

Best of luck to you! :hug:

 

[risingsun]

He is, in general not a very understanding person

Maybe he would understand this, you never know. I think, though, if you are going to be with someone, then you should always be completely open and honest so that you both are on the same page.

And he should be able to accept you and everything you bring to the table. If he cannot understand this and work with you through this, then he may not be the one for you. But the only way to test the relationship is honesty, right? If you can be completely honest and work through things together then you are a team. And being a team is a real relationship. It seems like you need him to work with you on being a team with this intimacy issue so that you are not being terribly re-traumatized every time. I am sorry you have been enduring this alone really.

I hope things work out for you. It sounds as though you are gearing up to open up. I wish the best of luck to you. My prayers are with you, Warmest, Rising Sun.

 

[Seagreen]

@Ice_Fire Good advice.
,

Do you mean he's suspecting that there are things you haven't told him or that he thinks you're weird because you have PTSD?

He suspects there are things I haven't told him. He doesn't know I have PTSD either, but like you said, he has probably already figured out that I have had sexual traumas. I there is an option not to be have sex with him. Its just that I feel like it would be unfair to restrict him from intimacy because of my issues. Most people see sex as an essential part their relationship. I've never been able to see it that way, but is my problem and I take responsibility for it. I don't want to stop having sex although I would like to learn how to manage my symptoms better so that is more tolerable or even enjoyable.

Great advice @Em C. Thank you for your suggestion. I think it would be helpful.

@risingsun You are right, he might understand. Honesty is important.

 

[ghotiff]

If he is not very understanding, then I would tell him the headline only ( that you were sexually abused) and walk away. Expecting him to say something helpful in response will likely just lead to disappointment.

Just my thoughts.

 

[GWhizz]

I've been with my partner 6years. I only told him a few months back that I was abused and I have yet to get into any of the details. It's hard but it came to a point for me where I couldn't hide it from him anymore - he knew there were too many things bothering me so easily etc which didn't add up. But at the same time, he never pressured me to say anything and still hasn't tried to get any further info on it.

Tell when you feel ready and trusting. There is NO rush

 

[illusionist]

Hi, it can work and I am proof of that. My partner is the very opposite from me, he is not overly affectionate or shows emotions easily, it's one of the reasons I love him even more.
I told him in a very matter of fact way (it's what he understands) that I had been through a lot of trauma and abuse in childhood which has many triggers. I explained that at times he will have to be patient with me as I draw away from people at these times. It is not him, and to not treat me any differently, just to leave me for a moment. We talked about the main triggers and the rest we have learned along the way. He has been fantastic! He's been considerate and shows enough i.e. a gentle rub on the arm when I tell him I'm going through what I call, a bout...allowing me to go to him if and when I need a cuddle. It's the look in his eyes at these times that says it all......full of love and admiration for me. We have never talked about it deeply as he understands that I see this as my problem and only I can fix myself when my bout comes along. We have a fantastic sex life! Go ahead and tell him, but do work hard on yourself......it is worth it! If he does not give you the consideration you need? I think you know the answer? ......but do you want to keep going as you are? In my eyes you have nothing to lose but only you know the answer to that. Good luck X

 

[scout86]

This is something of a mine field! It's also something I've had trouble with and haven't always handled real well. And, I'm not IN a relationship now, so maybe it's easy to talk. For what it's worth, here's my 2 cents.

The difference between "sex" and " abuse" is love. More or less anyway. It's the energy behind the actions. The "good" kind of sex is a shared gift between two people who care about each other and value each other. The other version is about one person using another, with no regard for their feelings. Why would you insist on sex with someone who obviously was having problems with it? Maybe because you're a selfish pig?

If you feel like you, and your wishes, really don't matter, it's pretty hard to get them honored. If your partner doesn't know how you feel or what you want, they really don't have a chance. You might CHOOSE to let stuff go on that you really don't want, just because you don't believe in the validity of your right to have a voice. But, you deserve better than that. You DESERVE to be respected.

For me, going forward, how a partner reactions to my honest expression of my wishes is going to be a way to weed out the "good" from the "bad". If he doesn't care about me enough to respect my feelings, he the wrong choice. I need to respect his feelings and wishes too, but this stuff has to be worked out in an open and above board way. I'd tell him, but then pay attention to the reaction you get and be ready to walk away if you need to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think that we can heal in isolation. Right now, you're very much trying to heal in isolation, at least from him.

Even if he isn't very understanding, I think that you should open up and talk to him about what's going on with you. If he isn't understanding and refuses to learn more or to work with you through your issues, I'd say that he's not the one for you.

I think that you should realize that your needs in the relationship are just as important as his. That is, your need to feel safe and secure and not be traumatized during sex is just as important as his need for sex in the first place, if not more so. Right now you are placing his needs above yours and there is an imbalance in the relationship.

If at any point we are sacrificing basic needs for the sake of a relationship, I think its time to do a serious assessment of the relationship itself. Of course everyone needs to make concessions in the context of a relationship, but we shouldn't need to sacrifice major things as you are currently doing.

I tell any guy upfront that I have PTSD. Well, its pretty obvious that there is SOMETHING wrong with me, so I rather be upfront about it. Its obvious when I have a flashback during sex, so I need to know that they will react the right way (stop and hold me). Some guys have actually said "no, I'd need to finish". (Yes, I abruptly moved on! Why you'd want to have sex when your partner is freaking out in front of you is beyond me.....)

I hope you can discuss this with your partner. You deserve to have a lot more out of this relationship!

 

[Seagreen]

Solara you make some excellent points. I think my next step is actually going to be looking at how I value myself.


Scout86 I really don't understand how love and sex can be the same thing. I express and experience love in many ways, but I do not associate it with sex at all. I realise this is not a healthy view and I'm glad that you have bought it to my attention. It will be something for me to explore.