Relationship How To Give Him Security?

[lightvine129]

Hello!

I'm new to this forum, but I've been reading some of the posts and they have been quite helpful. Thank you!
Here's my question-- How do I make him feel less insecure? Is it even possible?

TL : DR-- Boyfriend is extremely insecure and doesn't trust me. Believes I like someone else and I'm hiding something from him. I've tried to make him feel better, but to no avail.

Long Version:
I've been in a relationship for 7 months now and my boyfriend suffers from PTSD. He's amazing and I can't imagine being with anyone else; despite all of his issues, he's a great boyfriend. Which is why, instead of walking away, I want to make this relationship work.

His PTSD: Stems from his childhood. Physical and emotional abuse from his family, especially his mom. He doesn't trust anyone now. Has exactly two "friends" he talks to about nothing important frequently, and one to whom he mentions our relationship. Also served in the Marine Corps for four years, but this is something we never talk about. He seems to have had an issue there that he will never talk about and it becomes a trigger for him if anything remotely similar gets mentioned, which is a problem, because I don't even know what the problem is so I might mention something similar without being aware.

The problems: He's never trusted me. He believes all of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him and I will do the same. When he's triggered, he becomes defensive and will say to my face how I'm "unreliable, conniving, manipulative, selfish, and all talk." He'll tell me I'm like everyone else and once he even told me he regrets ever meeting me.
He's "broken up" with me too many times to keep count. Most times, he apologizes a few hours later or the next day and we make up. Twice, we've broken up for three weeks. First time, I went looking for him because I was afraid I would lose him. Second time, he texted me with a stupid excuse, but quickly became cold when something I said must've triggered him. I gave him an ultimatum that he should either really try, or leave me alone, so he got depressed and suicidal and apologized, said he would really try. Lasted for three weeks, now we're back to square one. He frequently goes into hiding and wants to be left alone, which I'm okay with. He's extremely insecure and believes I have/had something with/like my friends/coworkers, or viceversa. So any time I go out with friends or talk about them, it's somewhat of a trigger for him.

I've cut down communications with most of my friends to try and make him feel better. I gave him my apartment's key, my FB password, my phone password, etc.. in an attempt to let him know I'm not hiding anything from him. I text him, call him, drop off little presents at his doorstep, cook him meals, invite him places, etc... to let him to know I love him. I listen to him and try to be supportive to let him know I care. All of this, but he still thinks I'm all talk, I've grown distant, I'm just being clever, I don't really love him, when he's triggered.

Not sure where to go from here-- Any suggestions?

Thanks!! ^_^
-M

 

[Em C.]

I think its great that you care enough to give him your passwords etc but at a point it becomes an abusive relationship for you. You shouldn't have to cut down communication with your friends to tailor to his needs and his breaking up with you is very manipulative. He definitely needs therapy and (others may disgree with me) but there is not really anything you can do if he is is being paranoid and suspicious. That doesn't mean I think you should just drop him but having PTSD does not give you a free ride to emotionally abuse other people. Sorry :(

:hug:

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forum! I appreciate your heart to support him and to try to help him. It sounds like you care for him a lot. However, by doing all that you are doing to cater to his fear, you are likely enabling him to not work on the real issues - which isn't you. It's the trauma.

How do I make him feel less insecure? Is it even possible?

No, you can not make him feel less insecure.

Only he can choose to deal with the past trauma, and that is what will lead to him feeling more secure in relationships in the future.

 

[scout86]

Not sure where to go from here-- Any suggestions?

How about "Go way, far, away"?

I don't mean to make light of this. A whole bunch of the things you've outlined are red flags that suggest this isn't a healthy relationship. You CAN'T give him security. That comes from somewhere inside his own head. You can't MAKE him trust you. All you can do is be trustworthy. What he does with that is up to him.

You said he's a "great boyfriend". So, besides being jealous, mean, and controlling, what's he like? I don't know if he has PTSD or not, but he sounds like he has issues that HE needs to work on. If he's not willing to do that, there's nothing you can do about it. You can live with it the way it is, but why would you want to do that?

 

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Hi Em!

Thanks for your reply! When I gave him the ultimatum, it was regarding that. I told him he was being abusive and, even though I'm willing to be with him through his issues, I had no reason to put up with emotional abuse. He's apologized countless times over this, but quite frankly it doesn't affect me as it used to anymore. I used to freak out and be heartbroken when he broke up with me, but now I just take it as somewhat of a 'routine'. It doesn't affect me because I know he'll realize what he's doing and come back later. <-This might be the reason, I assume, why he thinks I've become distant.
He's going to therapy and took me with him once. :D Also said he wants to go to couples therapy if I put effort into looking for a good counselor. :P
I'm just trying to do something for him that screams "I love you". He always tells me how I need to figure it out on my own. I feel like I have a IQ of 15 because I just can't figure it out. haha

 

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

You said he's a "great boyfriend". So, besides being jealous, mean, and controlling, what's he like?

When he's not being triggered, he's actually a nice, respectful, funny, loving boyfriend. He's a gentleman, the kind that opens the doors for you. He's full of little details to remind me he loves me; even decorated my apartment for my bday. He cooks for me, takes me out on dates, listens to my problems, helps me with school, etc... Overall, he's a great guy. It's like he's got a split personality and once triggered, he becomes someone else.

 

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Welcome to the forum! I appreciate your heart to support him and to try to help him. It sounds like you care for him a lot. However, by doing all that you are doing to cater to his fear, you are likely enabling him to not work on the real issues - which isn't you. It's the trauma.

This makes me a little worried... It sounds like I'm making it worse by being too supportive... Should I talk to him about some of his issues in hopes that it will make him work on his traumas? Not sure what to do... I don't really want to stop being supportive, but I definitely don't want to cater to his fears, either. :/

 

[Em C.]

"He's going to therapy and took me with him once. :D Also said he wants to go to couples therapy if I put effort into looking for a good counselor. :p
I'm just trying to do something for him that screams "I love you". He always tells me how I need to figure it out on my own. I feel like I have a IQ of 15 because I just can't figure it out. haha[/QUOTE]

He says you need to find out a way to scream I love you??? That is super manipulative. This is his way of controlling the relationship and making you feel like its always up to you. It isn't. I'm sorry but that is a major red flag. A drop him running flag to me.

Therapy is great but why is it up to you to find it? If he wants it he can look it up himself. Calling them maybe not because that can be stressful but he can google them. He's a big boy.

Sorry I know I must sound super harsh

 

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

He says you need to find out a way to scream I love you??? That is super manipulative. This is his way of controlling the relationship and making you feel like its always up to you. It isn't. I'm sorry but that is a major red flag. A drop him running flag to me.

Therapy is great but why is it up to you to find it? If he wants it he can look it up himself. Calling them maybe not because that can be stressful but he can google them. He's a big boy.

Sorry I know I must sound super harsh

Hahaha no worries! ^_^ I expected worse. I totally understand the way other people will look at it.
He doesn't tell me I need to find out a way to scream "i love you", it's merely his response to me asking 'is there anything i can do to make you feel better?', he always tells me I should figure that one out on my own because if he tells me, then I'm just doing things because he wants me to, not because I wanted to.
Same goes for therapy... I asked him if he wanted to go to couples therapy and he said yes. If I really want to go, that I even put effort into finding someone, he wants to go with me.

It's like he likes to be constantly reassured that I haven't turned away and that I do love him and am there for him, I guess.. :/

 

[Em C.]

This is going to sound high and mighty and I really don't intend it to be. Unfortunately you have to realise there is a difference between loving someone and being right to be with them. I am madly in love with my ex boyfriend who has done much the same things your boyfriend has. I still love him and now that I'm talking to him I frequently second-question myself, but I know that love is not enough for it to work because he was really bad for me. He doesn't like the constant reassurance I think, he likes that he can control you into being always obedient and worried that its your fault. There's insecurity and that is okay but using it to manipulate other people is not.

I can see that you love him but 7 mos is not a long relationship in the grand scheme of things. It would be better for you to drop him before this gets even worse. You're already ditching your friends and family for him and its only been 7 months. How much further can you alienate your life for him? Do you have the funds/access to go to therapy yourself? Could help just for you to find your centre.

 

[illusionist]

Hi lightvine, Em C gives very good advice. My second husband was like you are and I was similar to your boyfriends. I never asked him to go all out to prove his love, but he felt he had to. In the end I walked out on him as I lost all respect for him, simply because he tried too hard.......strange!

 

[nursenurse]

He's never trusted you. And so it is your desire to become a doormat. There are so many red flags that I do not know where to start. One thing I can tell you is that it is quite possible that nothing is going to change. what you are going through with him is quite possibly what you will go through for the rest of your life. At the best of times, it wears thin. Think of yourself living with what he says to you, 10 years, 20 years, a lifetime. The one that really screams out to me that you are enabling, embroiled and headed towards an emotionally abusive relationship, which it has already become in my eyes, is that you say you have given up communications with your friends for him. For what? To prove what? That you will give up everything for him? Give your head a shake and get a grip, because no one, and I mean no one, is worth that. Don't alienate your friends. You will need them, if and when this implodes.