Support Outside Of Session

[Leigh925]

I think it depends on what someone's issues are what is best for them. Because I have attachment issues my current therapist not only allows emails, calls and texts but encourages them.

I basically was taught and learned that you can not count on anyone or trust anyone....ever......much less depend on someone to consider my needs...so I just never allowed myself to have any. I had to cut off to maintain that.

Over the last year it has taken a huge amount if courage to email him or call him. It has been very healing and now I am starting to open up to my husband and count on him more.

I had other therapists that were clueless on how to help me and I spent a lot of money. I have had more progress with this therapist than all of the others combined. Maybe I was just ready for it.....but I really believe a lot of it has been because of how he works.

I took me a long time to feel like I could call him....then I did randomly here and there....and then I actually did go through kind of a needy phase where I felt like I needed him to be well but that dissipated as I started to heal and I don't need that as much anymore.

He actually kind of warned me of the stages you go through. It is kind of like growing me up since I didn't get that when I was little. Sometimes little kids are needy. As you mature you learn to handle your own stuff.

I actually haven't felt like I could post my thoughts about it even when I felt like it might help someone or at least offer another take on things because I am very shy and not very assertive and I have noticed a lot of people here are very passionate about not developing any kind of dependence.

All I can say is that for me....that is exactly what it took.

My therapist is a true professional and knows how to set boundaries to do that in a safe environment. He is a trauma specialist and I am grateful that I was lucky enough to find him. It seems like if you mention that is the kind of therapist you work with that their professionalism and boundaries are called into question. There is a way to do both.

I am finally starting to feel more connected to my husband and the family I have contact with.

I will say that I read a ton of stuff on attachment theory before I made up my mind on what path I wanted to proceed in therapy.

 

[sun seeker]

I actually haven't felt like I could post my thoughts about it even when I felt like it might help someone or at least offer another take on things because I am very shy and not very assertive and I have noticed a lot of people here are very passionate about not developing any kind of dependence.

I'm glad you did. Reading your post moved me to tears. Good tears. Thank you. I am happy for you that you have learned to honour your needs and found a therapist who is working for you. I pray to find the same.

 

[sun seeker]

He is a trauma specialist and I am grateful that I was lucky enough to find him. It seems like if you mention that is the kind of therapist you work with that their professionalism and boundaries are called into question. There is a way to do both.

I wonder about this. Is there a name for this kind of therapy, besides just trauma therapy? Is it a school of thought or just a personality style? I'm wondering because it seems like you can get some of everything no matter what the modality is called. Some years ago I did, I believe, just two sessions with a therapist who did EMDR. We never actually got around to any EMDR because in the second session I was so nonplussed because I got there in the middle of a full-blown crisis and was shocked at how little compassion she had, and never went back. Comparing notes with someone else who worked with her, I wasn't the only one to feel this way. She may have been good at her technique and in that way you could probably call her a trauma therapist, but in terms of human warmth and caring, she was an iceberg.

 

[Leigh925]

I will have to ask him if there is a specific name. I think it is both a school of thought and personality.

He had me read three books though. Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller. There are some pretty good specifics on attachment issues and how to heal regarding that. It seemed to have the most profound effect on me of all the books. I felt like so much if it could have been taken from my own life.

The next was The Body Keeps the Score and then the other was Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD Surviving to Thriving. All are available on kindle. Pete Walkers website has some good stuff on it as well.

The first couple of therapists I went to were cold and flat. Didn't work for me at all.

I was scared to try again and specifically I didn't think I would be able to work with a man because my perpetrators were male and because I have such abandonment issues with my father. However none of that has been an issue because he has been so warm, open and validating. He is genuine and caring. He shows his humanity.

One day when we were going over one of my traumas I saw his eyes water up and he said he was just so sorry that I had to go through that. I believed him. You could see it on his face. I was appreciative that he allowed me to see that.

About that time there was a thread on here about a therapist who did a similar thing and people pounced on that as transference on the therapist part and the therapist not being able to control themselves.

Having experienced it myself I appreciated it as being human and being concerned for some ones suffering. It was a game changer for me. I had enough cold-hearted, non-feeling people in my life. I wasn't about to actually pay to add one more in my life and I am glad I didn't.

For me I think the added bonus has been extra healing because I got that validation from someone who was male and I had in my mind kind of lumped all men together. (Sorry guys! I don't feel that way now thank goodness!)

 

[sun seeker]

He had me read three books though. Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller. There are some pretty good specifics on attachment issues and how to heal regarding that. It seemed to have the most profound effect on me of all the books. I felt like so much if it could have been taken from my own life.

Ah yes. That's the one I keep hounding people to read. It's the first book I've read about what trauma does to us and what to do about it that includes a plan of action that really felt like if I could do that, it would make a significant difference. Not just a vague "process your traumas and then find other ways to get what you didn't get as a child" (they're always pretty vague about what those other ways might be, I notice) but real, step-by-step instructions for integrating the sense of safety at all levels. Then I got discouraged because there wasn't anyone in the area trained in this method. But the therapist I have started working with , whom I chose because she has at least some training in somatic experiencing, just bought this book and is willing to use whatever she can learn from it.

One day when we were going over one of my traumas I saw his eyes water up and he said he was just so sorry that I had to go through that. I believed him. You could see it on his face. I was appreciative that he allowed me to see that.

About that time there was a thread on here about a therapist who did a similar thing and people pounced on that as transference on the therapist part and the therapist not being able to control themselves.

Having experienced it myself I appreciated it as being human and being concerned for some ones suffering. It was a game changer for me. I had enough cold-hearted, non-feeling people in my life. I wasn't about to actually pay to add one more in my life and I am glad I didn't.

I'm glad you found what you need in a therapist. I've long been aware that's the kind of caring I need to heal - but there does seem to be a fear these days about admitting what I see as a natural, human need for connection. When I try to express it I get shut down - not here because I haven't brought it up, but by people in my life and a lot of the books on codependency, and the last therapist I worked with, who was very much against filling missing needs through other people. Of course, the goal is eventually to feel stronger and more able to take care of ourselves, but what is so wrong with affirming the need for connection? What is so wrong with love?

 

[Leigh925]

There is nothing wrong with a need for connection or love. It is a basic human need. When I first started this process I was so concerned about being too needy or asking for anything because I shut as much of myself down as I could to survive.,,,,even though deep down I really wanted it. I remember talking to my therapist and telling him I was concerned about codependency and having too much need. I remember him saying that I had swung the pendulum so far awy from that that he didn't really think it was possible for me to be too needy. I have such an internal drive to fight against it. We are just trying to get me back to baseline.

I was so neglected that I continued as an adult to neglect myself....even when it came to basic human functions....eating, sleeping.....I would even ignore the basic human function to go to the bathroom until it wasn't possible to ignore any longer.

Yes, I need to learn to take care of myself. Actually I spent a large portion of my life taking care of myself. I can do that.....but being vulnerable and open with someone else...allowing someone else to be supportive of me.....that is what is hard for me.....which is why therapy has to be catered to what the patient needs. We are all different.

I was fascinated in college when we studied about the monkeys. There were two as part of an experiment. One monkey was deprived all contact....another monkey was as well but was given a doll. The monkey that was completely isolated basically went crazy. The monkey with the doll was able to maintain some sense of well being. We are hard wired for connection.

Sun seeker....it is such a positive sign that your therapist is open and willing to find what works for your both. Even with my therapist that has the training he says that we have to use what we know but chart our path for what works for the both of us...since we both have strengths and weaknesses. Your therapist being open about the book....sounds like someone who could do that with you.