Relationship Just Trying To Get Through It

[Glara]

So he's still not really talking to me. I texted 2 days ago, he answered right back. I reminded him that I'm still here. He answered quickly that he's here, he's ok just busy with work. (Never stopped him before). It's killing me on so many levels. For myself, wondering if he'll ever come back, or if he still even likes me. For him, wondering if he's still thinking really suicidal, if it's a full blown crisis or he's just trying to shut everything out during the holidays.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I just woke up and started thinking. I wish I knew what to do. For him and for me. I have my own life issues, separate from him, don't have anyone to confide in right now. I hate this time of year.

 

[abs_21]

Hi Glara,
I regularly visit this forum to look and reassure myself that I am not alone in struggling through a relationship with a PTSD partner. It makes me feel better that although everyone is different in their make up, PTSD relationships all have similar traits. It gives me strength to read that other relationships have been where mine is and have got through. That people like me find the strength to move forward when they feel broken.

Your post struck a cord with me as your word could have been mine just 6 months ago. My PTSD boyfriend shut down and shut me out. He threw himself into work as a coping mechanism. He walked out of our relationship, how he shut his feelings off like that I will never understand, but then again I don't suffer from PTSD. I went days without hearing from him, not knowing if he was ok, if a breakdown, getting help, struggling, if this was just a "normal" break up, if I would see him again, if he still loved me..... I have to say I drove myself crazy! The thoughts would go around and around in my head. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke and the last think I thought of at night.

I want to give you a huge hug and reassure you that you will be ok. What you are going through right now its tough but I promise it will not be like this forever. Day by day the situation will change and you will feel stronger. I cant promise that your relationship will survive it but you will be ok. Take some time out to look after yourself, be kind to yourself, you deserve it. If he does come back you will be no good to him if you are broken. xx

 

[Wastinglight]

I went days without hearing from him, not knowing if he was ok, if a breakdown, getting help, struggling, if this was just a "normal" break up, if I would see him again, if he still loved me..... I have to say I drove myself crazy! The thoughts would go around and around in my head. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke and the last think I thought of at night.

Yep. Been there.

Ugh. I hate the "I'm too busy" excuse. It's the excuse that people give when they don't want to see you but don't want to tell you real reason why, because it'll sound bad. I'm too stressed, I'm really exhausted, my anxiety is acting up, I've got the shits with you, I couldn't be effing bothered. All of these are honest - and therefore acceptable - answers. I'm too busy is just another way of shutting someone out, in my opinion.

Sorry, just had to get that out. I've been on the receiving end of that this week. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. My guy is feeling overwhelmed and very stressed. So naturally he doesn't want to see me. He got around to telling me as much, but still, it hurts. *sigh*. Luckily I had a friend invite me round tonight, so that helped me feel a little better. Normally I have to deal by myself.

Hang in there. Sooner or later it will become clear what you need to do. It sucks but you will be okay. Hugs.

 

[abs_21]

Forgot to say....

Research... research PPTSD so you know what you are dealing with.....what they are dealing with. Knowledge is power. It makes the uncertainly of your situation easier to deal with when you can clearly see written down symptoms that you will recognise in your man.

My relationship is in a really good place right now but I am not naive enough to think that I will never go through this again and I have to say I often find myself looking into his actions a little more than I should do in case its PTSD rearing its head. But you have to not become the "PTSD police", not everything thing points to PTSD symptoms.

Although difficult right now you need to respect him. PTSD is a debilitating disorder. Whatever you are going through, what ever you are feeling, remember that you have a choice, you can walk away from it all, the suffer can not. If he isn't in touch with you then respect that he needs some space from you. He may have 101 things going on in his head and he is taking a step back from you in order to get himself straight. Hes gone into his cave. Let him, there's nothing wrong with that. Don't put any added pressure on him, im sure he is having to process enough right now. Support him by all means, let him know that you love him and you are there but without expecting anything back from him (as he probably has nothing to give right now) The hardest thing for me was that I made the decision to support him and wait for him. In doing this I got badly hurt. Every time I reached out and got no reply it hurt. It was like putting my hand in a fire over and over again and expecting a different outcome. We got through it, it was hard and still is at times. I sometimes get worried about his behaviour, I sometimes can sad and scared that he will shut down again but I accept that this is his illness and he has to take responsibility for it, there is nothing I can really do except just take care of myself x

 

[Glara]

@abs_21 thank you. I do read, all the time. It's just my insecurities. We originally dated In our 20s and now we're in our 50s so I feel fat and old. Like maybe that's why he's not interested. He was worried about that too, when we first saw each other, he gained a lot more weight than me, but I didn't care. For me, even if he tells me he doesn't mind, I'll feel insecure about it. And he hasn't told me much. He did see me again a few months later, so I guess he's still interested. Then I think of when he sent me a text about feeling suicidal and I worry and feel guilty about my insecurities. So I post on here. I don't know what else to do.

 

[abs_21]

Oh honey we all have insecurities believe me! My partners illness magnified mine so I went for counselling independently and it helped loads. But worry is like a rocking horse.... a lot of effort to go nowhere. I am sure you are beautiful to him but to be honest, I know its cliché.. but beauty is only skin deep, visual attraction only last so long but how can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself? YOU are not the cause of his PTSD, he is not backing away from you and the relationship, he is retreating to his cave to lick his wounds and make himself stronger. If you are worried about him harming himself though you must seek help. Keep posting on here, this site helped me immensely.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Glara,

Keep posting to get it out and PLEASE remind yourself IT IS NOT YOU! My husband suffers from complex PTSD due to childhood traumas. He completely dissociated 6 months ago, we are painfully slowly rebuilding. Time does change things. Remember for them dealing with PTSD is so much more painful than losing loved ones. It consumes them. Take the time for yourself. Be good to you. Be a little selfish. As a wife and mother of 6 this was a difficult concept for me to accept and find the balance. Trust me, you need to find your inner peace. Best of luck.

 

[Glara]

He has therapy today. I don't know what he does in therapy, I don't knew if it's talk or some kind of treatment. I never ask anything, I just let him tell me stuff. When he first spoke of suicide I asked if he could increase his therapy to more than once a week but he said his plan wouldn't cover more. That's all I really know. I just feel better on days I know he's going, like he's in the hands of someone who can help.

 

[Wastinglight]

But worry is like a rocking horse.... a lot of effort to go nowhere

I love that! I'll have to remember that one.

I think maybe therapy might be something that's hard to talk about. Perhaps especially for guys? I've only had a few vague snippets from my guy about what he gets up to in his sessions. I don't know if he does talk therapy or not, but I hope he has someone to talk to about our relationship. It would make me feel better if he did.

I haven't heard from my guy since yesterday lunchtime, when he cancelled on our (admittedly vague) plans for last night. I could see that he's been struggling this week, so but I asked if we could try for a catch-up tonight. I'm going home for Christmas next week so I wanted to stock up on 'us' time. Clearly that didn't go down very well as I haven't heard from him since. I know I probably shouldn't have pushed him but it's done now so I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I am nervous that this is the start of a major shutdown for him. It occurred to me yesterday that the Christmas period might trigger him somehow. I have accepted that I won't see him before the weekend, but if he bails on our last weekend together before Christmas, I will be devastated. I will be so upset if he doesn't let me see him before I go away.

At least I'm coping better than I usually do in this situation! I hope you are doing okay @Glara. It's just so hard, isn't it?

 

[abs_21]

I lover that quote too! And it is so true! If only I could take my own advice when I needed it! Hahah! You are not alone hun, wishing you both a fantastic day x