Relationship How Can I Comfort My Vet

[Deleted member 28812]

How can I comfort my guy?

I sometimes noticed he was sad. He was crying but hiding away. When I entered the room he told me to leave, said he was okay. Did not want to talk about it, did not want to hug or cuddle or anything - just said it was nothing. Happened several times. What can I do?

How can I comfort him if he feels uneasy in public (crowds, restaurants) and so on. If I say "It's okay. Don't be afraid" he just says he is not afraid anyway "what's your problem?"

 

[Friday]

We're all different, so what makes us feel better when sad is different, too.

Crowds, restaurants, etc.? I'm not afraid. Never have been. I hate them, on a regular basis, but am not afraid of them. Best way to describe it is like a predator. Waiting. Watching. Wary. (Hilarious, ;) because I look like anything from a grinning soccer mom to a bubbly CoEd most of the time. Shrug. Old lessons die hard). I'm most at ease in crowds when I can use them. Disappear into them, weave my way through them, have an exacting mental map of them. To this end... When I'm doing well, I usually pause for a moment and evaluate the patterns. Where are the entrances & exits? Choke points? What's the vibe / What kind of energy is the crowd or place putting off?/ crowd's mood? In restaurants I usually make an excuse to use the rest room right away -often before sitting- so I have an excuse to walk through it & see around corners. Am happiest seated in the back, right near an exit, facing the front exit where I can see everyone coming & going. Easy way out & good field of view. Failing that, any corner. I really, really cannot stand people behind me. Unless I have a big fat mirror in front of me. There's a reason most cop bars have mirrors galore.

Most people don't notice my scanning, because instead of trying to stop it, I decided a loooooong time ago to simply run with it. Which means I usually get it out of the way quickly, and can be pretty discrete about it (like using the Ladies room even when I don't need to, to get a layout... Or looking for a place to smoke, even after I quit smoking. 2 things people understand / give me a reason to be wandering about or standing around doing nothing. As does photography. As do small children.)

When I'm with other jumpy people, one thing I've noticed a lot is that they try not to do it. I don't get that. Not look weird doing it? Sure. There are ways to be subtle. But fighting against doing it leads to some crazy stress / tension. Which sticks out & is noticeable. Which makes people look at you. Which ratchets up the stress/tension even higher. Before you know it, the whole vibe of the area around you has changed. Everything escalated. This is part of my dopey-girl act. Plaster on a grin, wander about like an idiot for a minute, and report back. Bathrooms on the right, kitchen left, possible exit through kitchens. Blocked rear exit, alarmed, frat getting stupid in the bar, ladies brunch upstairs. Wanna stay here, order to go, or head to the taco truck? Usually, after a few times of Friday-Survey (being pissed, waiting for me by the lobby), they join in and we can split the duties. And they relaaaaaax. Breathe. Tranquilo. If it's icky, there's always the taco truck. Other people just think I'm effing nuts, and can't stand that I go on walkabouts every time I'm in a public area. In & Out is their mission. Do what we came here to do. Well, I'd be 10,000 kinds of unhappy and stressed out not knowing the lay of the land. S'alright. To each their own.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I love how you (and others) have explained that crowds thing to me.
The more I learn about it the better I understand it... and now I even understand why my husband - if we ever go to a restaurant - seems to need to pee all the time. I thought it was because he was nervous but it seems he needs to have an excuse to wander off.

Everybody is different. So true... but then those affected by PTSD seem to have some things in common. I might be wrong, but isn't "emotional detachment" one of the usual symptoms?

 

[illusionist]

When he is crying and hiding away, do as he is asking and leave him alone. That is how I've always felt when I'm like that, and I don't want to change that. I don't want sympathy, a 'fixer' nor to be taken out of that moment. What I need is to let my sadness out in my own space, my time. I do give my partner a hug after it, think it's more to do with reassuring him, that it's not him that's upset me.
Thank you fridayjones, that's exactly what I do, but never really thought about it.

 

[Kefira]

Ask him what he needs and listen. If he doesn't know what he needs have some questions, or phrase it differently. "What don't you want me to do right now?" is sometimes way easier to answer then "Would this help?"

If he says he's not afraid in crowds, take that at face value. Probably he isn't. Jumpy, hypervigilant, uneasy, wishing to be anywhere else feeling dread or impending threat: all of those are better descriptors for me personally. Perhaps there's a good reason why he doesn't like the word afraid being used, or he just doesn't identify with it. I know I don't identify well with the classification of 'anger' as an emotion: I'm likely to use other similar emotions with slightly different connotations that I connect with better. This also gets into identification of grades of emotions, which can be really helpful for people who are often detached. If I'm 'angry' it's more helpful for me to figure out how or why anyway: I'm ashamed and lashing out, I'm feeling as though this is retaliation because I was slighted or ignored, I feel overwhelmed, or I feel deep seated contempt for this reason. All of these are more helpful to identify and work with, and none of them cause the negative reaction that someone simplifying all that complexity into just "why are you angry?" or "don't be so sad" does.

Personally I get really pissed off at people assuming what I feel or trying to tell me what I feel, especially when I feel that sort of simplification or I've already made what I consider an effort to explain (no claims that I'm great at explaining it). It indicates to me that they aren't listening. For example: an ex always thought I was stressed or anxious, normally about work when in fact I was in fact actively dealing with triggers and suicidal ideation contributed to by sleep deprivation. And the fact that he continued to assume instead of ask/listen, and also to assume I wanted to be smothered with physical attention, made me seriously withdraw.

What people need for support also varies. Sometimes I say I want to be alone when I don't want to be. But I do need to know that I have that option and it will be honored. Aforementioned ex who decided he knew what I needed better than I did, not a great fit. If I change my mind and decide I need cuddles, it's good to know those are available too. If I don't have any idea what will help I really need someone who will go out there with me and be like "Okay. Well, when you figure it out let me know, until then I'm here. What WON'T help? Could we X Y or Z without it hurting you more?"

Just my two cents.

 

[sun seeker]

Did not want to talk about it, did not want to hug or cuddle or anything - just said it was nothing. Happened several times. What can I do?

Probably, just let him know you are there for him if he needs you, then leave him alone as he asks. This may be more of a male thing than a PTSD thing - men often do have trouble letting themselves be comforted and would rather sort it out on their own. (Okay guys, note I said often, not always!:) )

About the crowds, I wouldn't tell him it's okay and not to be afraid, because if he is actually experiencing a trigger that won't get through to him. He's in the reptilian part of his brain that doesn't have access to reason. He already knows on an intellectual level that there is no danger. What he is experiencing (assuming there is actually a problem) is a conditioned response that won't go away with logic. Hopefully with therapy it will lessen, but for the time being, he might need to avoid crowds if they are a trigger. @FridayJones described the feeling of being in a crowd. For me, it's not exactly fear either, it's more of a sense of choking or not being able to breathe when I am surrounded by people. I know there is no actual danger of choking, but that's the sensation. I can handle crowds if I am on the edge with a clear escape route.

I hear you are wanting to help and let him know you are there for him. Expressing your love and willingness to help, but giving him his space, may be the best way to show that right now.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Thank you, ladies.

Do you think it really IS safer in case of emergency? Would I be safer if I am with my husband or with FridayJones? I noticed my husband is more willing to stay in a restaurant if he chooses the seats. Is that really the safest placa?
I want my guy to know that I will be always there to help if he let me. He does not seem to be interested in it.

I do know he feels "afraid" or "bad" because of his reaction. He avoids crowds, restaurants, BBQs, celebrations like the plague and he is stressed. I definetly notice. The hair on his arms literally "stands on end".
One must be stupid not to notice.
He had a "breakdown" once.

 

[Kefira]

None of this is about the reality of whether you're safe. IF you're highly trained, armed or able to get in close range and trained in hand to hand, IF you're able to react quickly enough to a situation going down and IF about a million other circumstances. I mean, if there was going to be a tactical situation in a restaurant I was in would I rather have my back to a wall and know where the nearest exit is? Obviously. But what are the chances of being taken hostage or even being verbally threatened when out in public?

I do know he feels "afraid" or "bad" because of his reaction. He avoids crowds, restaurants, BBQs, celebrations like the plague and he is stressed. I definetly notice. The hair on his arms literally "stands on end".

I stand by my statement that if he says he's not afraid, he's not. He may be feeling one of about a hundred other emotional gradients that would cause that. But certainly pushing the issue that he MUST be afraid with him and telling him what he feels isn't going to help anyone.

A lot of us have had breakdowns. Psychotic breaks are complicated.

I want my guy to know that I will be always there to help if he let me. He does not seem to be interested in it.

He probably is interested. I don't know him, so I can't say for sure. But I can say that helping people means listening to what they need. His version of you helping him may look VERY different from what you think helping him is. Helping him how you want to is self centered. Helping him how he needs you to even if it doesn't feel supportive to you is good relationship skills and listening.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

I have to be guessing because he does not like to talk.

I was not talking about a psychotic breakdown. What I mean is that he broke down because he "was afraid"?? Whatever. He was shaking and just acting like somebody who is afraid.

Later he acted like nothing had happened and seemed to be ashamed.

If I wasn't genuinely interested in helping him I would not be here.

 

[Kefira]

If he can't talk he needs to be in treatment and/or not in a relationship. There may be communication techniques you can use that will make it easier for the two of you to communicate. Some people need to hear or say things differently.

If you're just guessing, it's unlikely to be very effective. The only way you're going to help him is learning from him how to help him. And he has to be doing the primary work on his own healing first. Everyone's different. People on this forum can provide advice and general guidance, but the two of you working together is the only way the relationship will work.

Based purely on a description of shaking, and being ashamed later there are lots of things from panic attacks to flashbacks that could be. And trying to hide symptoms is pretty common, as is shame over the disorder.

 

[sun seeker]

Do you think it really IS safer in case of emergency?

No, at least I don't. I'm assuming your question is about whether we actually believe that being on the edge of a crowd is safer than being in the middle of it, but correct me if I've misread that. It's a conditioned response, not a reasoned belief.

I think something that might help your understanding of what he is going through and how to support him would be to read up on what happens to the brain during and after trauma. The neocortex, the part of our brains that evolved most recently, is involved in reasoning and creative thinking. The older parts of the brain, nearer the base and centre, are more involved in survival responses. We need both. When there is a real threat, we don't want to have to spend time thinking about the threat, just how threatening it is, how it compares to other threats, what the best plan of action might be, etc. That's the kind of thing the neocortex does. This is when the reptilian brain takes over and just reacts, including a series of hormonal changes that ready us to fight, flee, or freeze. It's a lot quicker, hence does the job best. The problem in PTSD (and I'm greatly simplifying here in the interest of brevity) is that the reptilian brain doesn't quiet down and let the neocortex take over once the threat is over. It's constantly on alert, scanning for situations similar to the original trauma(s).

The trouble with trying to talk down someone who is in the middle of a conditioned response like this is that you're trying to have a conversation with a part of the brain that isn't available at the moment. The neocortex is fully aware that there is no real threat in the present moment, but it isn't available to talk to. The reptilian brain has taken over. If you want to talk to someone in this state (triggered), you need to use language the reptilian brain can comprehend. "Language" may be a misnomer here, because as I try to think of words that might help, I'm drawing a blank. The reason therapies for PTSD focus on grounding techniques is to train the brain to realize that the person is in the present moment and not still in the trauma of the past. I'm talking about things like noticing what our senses are telling us, or looking around the room and counting all the shades of green you see. These things orient you to the present. It takes time to learn to do, and beginning while in a triggering situation won't work.

There are lots of good books that explain this in detail. Peter Levine is good, and there are lots of others, which I can't think of at the moment. Anyone else?

I apologize if this is all old news to you. It just seemed like there was some confusion there. I hope this helps.

 

[Friday]

Do you think it really IS safer in case of emergency? Would I be safer if I am with my husband or with FridayJones?

Well, first off, safety is a feeling... Not a reality. In reality? No one is safe. Ever. But it's impossible to go through life feeling that way. So we develop all kinds of defense mechanisms. From the "It'll never happen to me", or blaming the victim "They slipped because they're careless, I slipped because of the ice.... Their kid died because they weren't paying attention, my kid will be fine because I do pay attention". All kinds of stuff we tell ourselves to feel safe. Some of us, meanwhile, had those self defense mechanisms (this can't be happening) kicked to the curb. Repeatedly. And situational awareness saved our butts. That, and luck. But our brains don't like to depend on luck.

I do the stuff I do... For the same reason that normal people put on seatbelts, adjust mirrors, look behind them as they back up. 99% of the time (even 100% for a lot of people)... It's absolutely useless. They believe the threat is real (drunk drivers, icy roads, etc.) so they do them. Even if they never experience it first hand, automobile safety is something hammered into us. They'll never be in a life threatening auto accident where their seatbelt saved their life. Nor will there be anything behind them as they back up that they can't see. But we still do that stuff. Why? Because when it does matter? We've done it. The seatbelt saves our life. We can slam on the breaks before hitting the car/kid/telephone post that sprung out of nowhere ;).

Are you safer with your husband, or a driver who checks their mirrors? All depends. On whether it's ever needed. I know I feel safer being with military, police, Israelis, etc... Because they're aware of threats most people never worry about in this country. The put on seatbelts, aka know the exits, scan crowds for who doesn't belong, etc. as a matter of course. Fact of the matter is, though, that anything could happen at any time. Whether it's a drunk driver, or a bomb. There are just certain things, it doesn't matter how prepared you are. When they happen, they happen. In the meantime, I'll continue to check my 6.